The Skywalker Entries
by jenna323.m
Summary: After the death of Shmi, Obi Wan comes to the realization that Anakin desperately needs to vent his feelings and suggests that he keep a journal. Reluctantly, Anakin agrees, recording the dark thoughts that he could never openly say. After his fall, Obi Wan comes into possession of the journal and is determined to understand what happened and how he can bring him back.
1. Introduction

**After the introduction, I will be putting all author notes at the bottom of the page for your convenience. I will update every Friday night or Saturday Afternoon and if I get at least 20 reviews in a month than the next month I will also update every other Wednesday.**

 **I do not own Star Wars, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, or any of the characters in the introduction.**

 **Warning: Some content in later chapters contain suicide, self-harm, and extreme depression. Be mindful of what you read.**

 **Constructive Criticism and/or comments are welcomed.**

The Skywalker Entries

Introduction

 _I will begin by saying that I am not an exquisite writer. I'm not rhetorical and eloquence doesn't and never will come naturally to my mouth or my hands and surely not my brain. My mind is it's own battlefield; pulling, pushing, falling and crashing. It feels as if it is either a vacuum, devoid of anything useful. Sometimes it feels like some sort of suppressed, living, breathing thing, wrapped in guilt and fear and then sometimes it's an ominous view of the traffic of Coruscant, a myriad of emotions threatening to spill out in front of everyone that I'm aware that I can't do so for. I feel everything keenly, and it overflows throughout my whole body, shaking violently, and bleeding from the inside and I am never aware that I am cut before the blood is on the floor before me._

 _But though my emotions are many, my words are few. I am unable to put into expression what my heart is telling me. If I try, I find myself sounding like I stole my words from a poet, and not in a good way. I'm like a broken record, skipping, stopping, falling onto my knees in the middle of a sentence._

 _And then I try my hand in writing and it's as if I'm no longer speaking basic. It's as if I'm drawn to use words that I don't even understand. Then I read my own work and it doesn't feel like it's my own. But then, what does feel like my own? I am never truly belonging to myself. I am always belonging to a master. I always have and I always will. My words reflect that. I wonder if maybe someone else is speaking for me. Moving my hands. Making me walk. I am not myself._

 _Or at least not anymore._

 _It was my master's recommendation to keep a journal. He claims it will help me manage my feelings since it seems I have so many of them. I don't understand how this ancient way of thinking, such as pen and paper, could solve anything at all._

 _I suppose he felt my mother's death too, but not in the way I would hope. Of course, it wasn't sympathy or concern. It wasn't a shoulder or a voice to help me forget. No, of course not. It could never be like that._

 _The suggestion is rooted in the pain of being on the other end of a young apprentice's raging turmoil. Though I admit that I said a few words that I shouldn't have, it was all true anyway. Blaming him for my mother's death seemed like a good idea at the time, even wrong, we both know it's the truth somehow._

 _Regardless of the truth, I know the journal was given to me out of desperation. Perhaps I could take my aggression out on paper instead of everyone else? Maybe it's a good solution for some people, but to me, it doesn't matter. Putting it on paper won't fix a thing. It's a lot safer in my head than out in words for a person to see. Why should I make the mess any bigger than it already is?_

 _Regardless of my feelings on the matter, I find myself being ordered to spill my thoughts onto pages and I think it's pretty safe to say that I don't feel better even in the slightest by being "free" of emotions. In fact, I feel even more emotional now than I was before. This will never work. Not at all._

 _Nothing can save me from this torture. If anything can, I know it will not be a useless book._

The boy sighed, placing the book on his nightstand, giving his best attempt to clear his thunderous head from its screams. This effort that Obi Wan had of curing Anakin was going to fail, no doubt. Anakin was angered over himself for even giving the idea a thought. His body ached now after the endeavor, convulsing in response, regarding the blurry image of phrases on sterile white paper. His words were smudged from the storm that raged above them and Anakin found himself hating his master's suggestion more than he had earlier.

"How did it go?" his master asked him the next day, daring to hope his apprentice had found some relief in it.

Anakin shook his head, refusing to look his master in the eye. "It was just as I expected it to be. It didn't help."

Obi Wan nodded slowly, not expecting a better statement. "Of course. I suppose it will take time."

The younger Jedi stood quietly, still refusing to meet Obi Wan's eyes. This master of his was clueless, he decided. Maybe I'll write that in my journal.

"Anakin-" he began, catching the ill-intent in the young one's eyes.

"I don't need a lecture!"

Obi Wan shook his head. "I wasn't about to give one."

Silence lingered between the two of them as if swallowing them both whole. Both master and apprentice were used to this by now. It had been weeks since the death of Shmi Skywalker and it was felt in each room they passed through. It bounced off the walls, fogged up the windows, and watered the plants. Should it be said as vines? Living and breathing vines?

"I'm sorry that you seem to feel attacked by all of this. I simply want what's best for you, Anakin."

"No you don't," said Anakin calmly, with concealed anger hiding behind his pale blue eyes. "All you care about is the Jedi code. You want the counsel to think highly of you."

Obi Wan stopped suddenly, turning to Anakin as if to defend himself but Anakin wasn't finished.

"You don't have to worry about them looking down on you. You're a model Jedi Knight."

Kenobi narrowed his greenish-blue eyes at his padawan, shaking his head fleetingly. "I don't know about that."

Anakin sighed, tracing his fingers down the edge of his long padawan braid. "I will never be that, Obi Wan. You will." he swallowed as if trying to conquer the words that wanted to come forth. "When I was a kid I would dream of being a Jedi. I always imagined being a dauntless warrior, rescuing the galaxy from all that is evil and then going back to Tatooine and freeing all the slaves." his mouth became dry at the recollection of his mother's pale face, limp in his arms with the bitter mass of eternal rest. He found himself swallowing once again, concealing what he could never reveal to his master. "I know that I can be difficult…"

"Anakin, you are a lot more than difficult."

The younger Jedi looked to the one that he called master, narrowing his blues at him coldly, with the sting of his words piercing the backs of Anakin's eyes. In his tender core, he was aware that his master was right. The painting of countless slaughtered Tusken wounded the back of his reasoning, seeing both man and woman and child. An innocent child. Drawing another breath, he glanced up, his eyes sparkling with darkened tears. "I know."

For a moment, Anakin saw his master's eyes fill with pain before looking away, as he forced himself to live with the fact that his model Jedi status was not enough to bring Anakin contentment. The boy candidly trusted that his master saw him as a dreadful mistake.

Obi Wan looked up abruptly, discovering that Anakin was looking the opposite way, doubtlessly striving to stay cool headed in the apparent abuse he was collecting from his master. "Anakin," he said discreetly, turning Anakin around to scrutinize him to the face. "Yes, you are difficult, Anakin. But you're also an exceptional Jedi."

Anakin looked at him without movement, seemingly unaffected by his words. "What were you going to say then? What could possibly be worse than difficult?"

"Anakin, You are the most gifted and able Jedi I've ever met. You have the most sizable heart of any Jedi that I've ever known. Your emotions can get you in trouble. We have talked about this."

"Big trouble," Anakin hissed, glancing down at his boots.

"Yes, but your emotions are what make you notable. Yes, they often get you into trouble but that heart of yours is the reason we have saved so many lives, plainly because you couldn't stand the fact that people were in pain. So yes, it isn't the most conventional way of the Jedi. It's not even a part of the Jedi code, but regardless of the trouble you find, the good will always outweigh the wrong. Don't forget that."

The boy then lifted his head, the disbelief evident in his eyes. He had, of course, expected a lecture of what he was doing wrong. Not this. In all honesty, he wasn't even sure he could trust what he was perceiving. Obi Wan claimed that Anakin was unconventional but here was the same Obi Wan Kenobi expressing in a way that shocked him so much that nearly caused him to overturn his tea. Maybe he wasn't a model Jedi. At least not in the way of the code. But he was a model Jedi, in the ways of the eyes of a nine-year-old boy.

"Master…" he muttered almost soundlessly, his skepticism still in his visage.

"I'm concerned about you. Since the battle of Geonosis you've been so different." The arrogance that Obi Wan had detected in the boy had unsettled him substantially, but now the boy seemed to lack pride at all. It was demoralizing to see. "I just want to help." he finally added.

Anakin breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed that the profoundness in his master's eyes hadn't vanished yet. He had wrestled over the anticipation that his master lucidly feeding him that words that he lacked to hear, only to get his own way. But no! He felt it when he glanced at the man in front of him. He had grown to be a father to him; like a brother.

His arrogance had blinded him for so long, but now he could see Obi Wan's validity. He was attempting to help. Shaking his head at his own weakness, he gave the man what he wished. "Okay, I'll try again."

"I've kept a journal since I was about your age."

Anakin nodded steadily, noticing what he had fallen into. "I said I'll try."

Obi Wan grinned clemently, satisfied with at least that.

 _Against my better judgment, I am trying once again. I suppose that Obi Wan played me. I plunged into the confinement and I'm horrified by that fact. My shock is out of line, though, since I have always been prone to sinking into traps. Of course, not on purpose. I dive in them, almost willingly. I suppose that I don't really slip into anything at all, but traps slide into me. In response, I find it decent to at least return the favor. My generosity is an illness, I swear it._

 _I've been reflecting about what a journal accurately is and I note that by definition it says nothing about releasing any built up hurt. I wonder to myself why it is such a grand idea to the eyes of so many. A journal is, in fact, a daily record of news and events of a personal nature. So should I fall out of line with the definition, then truly I am far off course in the ways of which the council would like. They are the ones who keep hassling me about letting my essence cascade onto pages, strictly to offer them each peace of mind. Meanwhile, I am the one questioning everything and all that they say and believe. I know this is an additional excuse, but whatever it may be, I find that irrelevant. Making an oath to Obi Wan was imprudent. I can't accept my own gullibility._

 _So now I am trying as I had promised. I will let my ardor and notions escape from the stone wall I assembled and the harvest of the trees will suffer my indignation. On paper, I will free myself if I do only one thing. I doubt it helps but I do not doubt that the observation of my mind will help me see more audibly. Then I can avoid another sickening fault in a shadowy hour where my blind fury has no dominion over me. Isn't it demented to not understand_ myself _at all?_

 _I must begin by admitting my detest for the Tuskens, those remorseless, bloodthirsty beasts. What was their motive for my mother's abuse, besides their lust for sport and game? None. None whatsoever. They feed on the harm of others. Their lives revolve around the torment of another. They are evil creatures for no grounds at all. They are and always will be unceasing slaughterers._

 _Was I not the one who slaughtered their entire tribe? Is killing crooked when it's well deserved? These questions didn't seem to make their way into my head at the time. All that counted was justice. But was it justice, really? Or revenge. callous revenge._

 _I hate them still. I always will. Those men deserved to burn. I have no doubt. They abducted my mother, abused her, wielded her and for what? Only nothing. It was a game to them. I can't say I regret what I did entirely. I can't avoid the icy feeling that continues to surface in my body at the image of it. I feel I can justify how much they deserved what I did._

 _But those were the men. Were the women as deserving? I can't let myself dwell on the answer I know is in my head. All I know is in the future, they may have had son's that grow, and they will follow the wicked path of their ancestors and torture for their own amusement, and no Tusken should live up to that risk. Nobody else must die. I have restored peace, haven't I? Killing is a good way to avoid killing, I'm sure of it. It's the only thing that makes sense. But it's not about the murder, it's about the cause. They kill for fun, and I kill because I have to._

 _The Tuskens don't have souls. Any person who kills another without good reason is soulless, and how could anybody ever love a murderer?_

 _How could anyone love me?_

 _But Padme does, and it wasn't cold blooded murder that has made me so fragile these last few weeks. It was the death of my mother. Padme looked past everything, and she believes in who I am. More than I do. A part of me has never found better happiness, but another has never found more bitter pain. I need to see her. It's been too many days._

 _So journal, you aren't getting more than that. At least, not today. I'm bound to fall in another trap. I'm bound to fall into something._


	2. Chapter 1

Part One: The Fall

 **One**

 _Please don't tell me_ any more

 _There's a weight in your eyes_

 _And it weighs on my heart_

Obi Wan could hardly breathe at the sight of his dearest friend, esteemed brother, reliable apprentice, and buoyant companion, kneeling before the Dark Lord of the Sith. No matter how many times he tried he could not will the image away from his mind.

 _Anakin, how could you throw everything away?_

They had come a long way from where they first began. When Anakin first came into his life, he was but a child. Obi Wan hadn't envisioned the bond the two of them would one day share. It was as if one without the other sounded too strange to conceive. It was hardly said: "Anakin Skywalker" or "Obi Wan Kenobi." It was always Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi. And Obi Wan had let himself believe it would stay this way.

The Tatooine gales roared through the orange sky, oppressive heat weighing down on the Jedi's darkened cloak. Even now, he didn't feel as if he was actually there. Not yet. In his mind, he was still standing on the black sand of Mustafar, Anakin crawling by his feet, tears pouring from his eyes.

"It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!"

It was said, indeed. But Anakin would never be what another person said about him. Every label he was given, every name he was called -chosen one, the hero with no fear- They were all just that.

Names.

And now Anakin went by a new name. A new name that didn't belong to him. None of the names given to him ever truly belonged to him. He wasn't the chosen one or the hero with no fear. And as much as Anakin tried to deny it, Anakin Skywalker was not Darth Vader. Vader was a fiend brought forth by Sidious and the name would die. Obi Wan solely could not let himself believe that the deeds of Vader, the acts of that inhumane Sith, the dark feats of the fallen Jedi, came from Anakin. He couldn't let himself believe that they were Anakin's actions. It couldn't be. It was a monster who stole his body. Obi Wan knew the truth, but another part of him demanded that Vader reveals to him where Anakin is, and what he did to him.

Shutting his eyes in defeat, he tried to force away the vision of the flames licking at his friend's clothes, climbing up like wild beasts, consuming what was left of his dear friends in seconds. "I hate you!" he had bawled irately.

And in that moment, with his face wet with tears, he realized something that had burned true for a long time. He loved Anakin. He loved him so much that he didn't feel hatred for the demon that crawled the sands of Mustafar. All he felt was anguish for what Anakin was, and what he had become.

"You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you."

Loved.

But it wasn't true. Loved wasn't even a word. It wasn't possible. Obi Wan loved Anakin, and that he would always.

And now, he needed to understand. He needed to know what would have caused his friend to fall so far. Anakin was reckless, but he wasn't stupid. He wouldn't trade his soul for power. Or at least, not unless that power could help someone else. Against the opinion of the rest of the counsel, Obi Wan believed that Anakin was not selfish. Sure, he was demanding and persistent, but he always had a good reason to act that way. He always found a way to be criticized for helping someone else. Maybe that was one of the many reasons why he might even be gone.

Obi Wan sat down quietly in his new home, loathing the weather of Tatooine instantly after he arrived. But it was a good place to start his mission and Obi Wan was determined to make progress in his quest for answers.

He almost denied himself from taking the book, knowing that the words it held would only cause him further grief for his brother, but he had proceeded against his better judgment. Painful as they may be, he sought answers, and not just answers in a simple, emotionless way. Not in the ways of the counsel or the politicians. He didn't need words, he needed reassurance. He needed to know that Anakin was the victim in all of this. He needed to know that Anakin wasn't the first to commit betrayal.

So he held Anakin's journal in his lap, it's pages being kissed by the violent winds of a storm, dancing wildly to the beat of the gusty air, images of blood and tears being thrown before Obi Wan's eyes. Watermarks danced around the pages, making vertical lines that streaked pale pages. He could smell blood each time the pages were turned, and Obi Wan shivered at the possibilities.

"Anakin, my brother…" he whispered to the wind. "Who hurt you so badly that you lost its ability? Your feelings are what make you special. I was wrong about love. I was wrong about it being a disadvantage. Why was I so blind? Why couldn't I see that you needed love so badly?"

The wind had no answer, except for the gentle direction it pulled him to, into placing his fingers on the first page. And so he read, quietly, without breathing for a time. Or perhaps, without knowing that he was.

The boy's words were beautiful, so close to his heart, so close to Obi Wan. They belonged to a hero and an innocent one, even while he laid out his crimes. Even while he argued justice and revenge. He was innocence wrapped into pages. His crimes weren't highlighted as they should be, bolded in print, screaming of failure to a master's watchful eye. Even though the boy must have seen it that way, Obi Wan's eye held no judgment. And with each crime, Obi Wan realized that his friend's mindset was changing, for good or evil, he wasn't sure. But with each confession in ink, he whispered to the sky and the wind, begging it to carry his message far and reach his dear brother.

He had every right. He was just so dangerously human.

With each page he felt something new, without having to read it at all, he could tell where the storm would be. Sometimes it began right away, starting in words such as "today I failed" or "I don't belong here. I never will." And sometimes the storms didn't happen until the middle was reached until Anakin's charade of a happy person wore off and his pen slipped into a messy rant of screams and chants of begging for mercy from the ones he loved. And other times Anakin was strong. His pain was subtle as if not being there at all. Sometimes the words were absent and he would simply describe the woman he loved or express his thanks for the friendships he found.

But Obi Wan could feel what was hidden beneath. Just like the words were being spoken in front of him, he could see the hidden look in Anakin's blue eyes, being covered with a glass cage that kept the tears from spilling out. He could see how his eyes weren't focused on what he was saying, as if he was talking with a different voice than his, looked ahead to a future that took his breath. And Obi Wan could suddenly envision what he had ignored before, like the illness that claimed his face as he grew, each day growing closer to death. His face wasn't tan like it had been when he was a padawan. Now it was clammy, cold-like, and sickly. He should have seen his fatigue each day, growing thicker. Oh, the many regrets that collided inside of him now, but what could he do about them?

The smell of tears greeted him as he opened the journal to Anakin's third entry, and Obi Wan felt sick, simply by the smell that came to him at the sight. This was the first page where the subtle tinge of sadness lingering became something more, something deeper.

 _Today I find myself lying down completely still. Visions of dying children haunt me as I lay in bed and I have to hold onto my nightstand to keep from screaming as if gripping it will help close the gaping hole that is forming in my body. The room I'm in is cold and dark, and I have to hold myself together to keep from waking my master who isn't far from me. I don't want to explain why I dream of children being slaughtered by a blade of blue, coming from a boy who should be a hero, who lives on the side of the heroes._

 _My dreams are not memories, though. They aren't of the Tuscans. If they were I would probably be able to breathe by now and I wouldn't have pushed my blankets away, feeling as if my body is being hugged aggressively by a damaging fever and a splitting headache. No, if it were about the Tuscans, I would only be crying, only curled up in a heap on my bed, counting the number of children that died until my breath falls steady and my eyes fall closed. But this is worse. This is much worse. Because I feel it whisper at me, enticingly, probing my mind and telling me what I can't admit. My throat has fallen through my body and is in my stomach now, and I can barely breathe because I know my dreams tell the future._

The older man looked down in regret, remembering the awful feelings he would often get from the boy's room at night as if death was among them. But he hadn't moved, only stayed put, hoping it would end. Hoping Anakin may be alright.

But hope wasn't good enough. Hoping for something but not acting on it doesn't count as true hope.

I finally found a form of sleep. My sleep reminds me of my wife when she debates herself, deciding whether she will proceed in doing something or not. And my sleep is the same way. It's as if my body isn't sure if it wants it, as if I may be better off without it.

Obi Wan wanted to stop what he was doing, put the journal away and believe his friend was no more and never was. He could do it, surely. He could pretend Anakin was always a vicious monster, waiting to release its hatred on all, but Obi Wan was lost now. Lost in knowing that Anakin could never be the first to commit betrayal. He was always too loyal. Betrayal already began before the dreadful days that were known as the past. The past he was still living in. They betrayed the boy first, really. First himself, not wanting Anakin as an apprentice, not trying or loving him as a brother until the end. He admired the boy, but he was jealous in reality. Jealous of the affection the late Qui Gon Jinn gave him that he had always wanted. But Obi Wan didn't hide his displeasure from Anakin the way he should have. In the beginning, it was hard and Anakin wasn't clueless. How could he do that to him, that poor child who only wanted love? That was betrayal in itself.

And then the counsel, after Anakin had done his best, his hardest, as he always did. He deserved the role of master more than most of the members in the room, even if Obi Wan himself hadn't even agreed to it until now. They should have made him a master or at least treated him as if he was more than a mere child. This boy was so young, yet he had accomplished more than many would in their entire lifespan. More than most in the counsel. And to deny him of something he wasn't even asking for, something that the Chancellor had thrust on him, was irrational.

And then he let Anakin believe that he was dead. He feared what the entries would be like when he reached it/

And the loss of Ahsoka, innocent little Ahsoka.

 _He had every right,_ Obi Wan thought again.

And Palpatine, what a friend he was. What a father figure he was when Anakin had no one else to turn to. Why had he kept his distance? Obi Wan saw the storm in the boy's eyes, yet he left him behind. Alone. Without a companion. Ahsoka was gone and Padme couldn't understand the force to the full extent of a Jedi. Anakin had no place to land, so of course, he would go to someone who understood.

Someone who understood exactly how to take the boy's weaknesses and use them for his own nefarious advantage.

"I betrayed you, Anakin!" he yelled in the night.

 _The suggestion was rooted from the pain of being on the other end of a young apprentice's raging turmoil._

Obi Wan recalled Anakin's words now.

"I know that I can be difficult…"

"You're no Qui Gon Jinn!"

"All you care about is the Jedi code. You want the counsel to think highly of you."

"I don't need a lecture!"

"I hate you!"

"I loved you," Obi Wan said again. Again and again. "You should have known a long time ago."

 _I know Obi Wan cares, at least to some degree. He said he did, after all. And I didn't sense any duplicity in him. I believed him and a part of me still does. But I can't let him know I live this way. I can't let him know that I lay in a puddle of blackness, that swallows my good thoughts and puts new ones in front of me. I can't let him know that I am constantly choking back sobs, trying to keep a still face when I'm around him when the second he looks away I have to wipe away tears. I don't know why this had to happen to me. I don't know why I even exist._

 **I hope you enjoyed chapter 1! Remember that if I get 20 reviews before chapter 4 I'll update every other Wednesday as well.**

 **I do not own Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith, or Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover.**

 **Song is Have We Lost by Flyleaf**

 **I love you all,**

 **Jenna**


	3. Chapter 2

**Two**

 _Here you are down on your knees again_

 _Trying to find air to breathe again_

 _I hate how cautious I must be, keeping my mouth shut from an indication that I have somewhere else to be. But honestly, I just want to go home. To her. To my heart. It's been weeks since I had the pleasure of seeing her face. It's beginning to hurt. Perhaps it's because my missing heart stays in Padme's soft hands, as she caresses it and keeps it safe, back in Coruscant while I travel all over the galaxy. And if she has my heart, why does it hurt so bad if I have no heart to feel?_

 _I have been sneaking glances with her all afternoon and I'm starting to fear that Obi Wan may have witnessed a few of them. I try really hard to be subtle about it, but it's difficult to be in a room with a person who has your heart, keeps your heart, and takes your heart and gives it peace like none other, and then try to not feel anything at all toward her. I want to kiss her all the time, but it's clear that my master wouldn't approve. I can't blame him for not understanding, it's not like he's ever been in love._

 _Padme, I'm sorry it has to be this way. You deserve a man who can be with you every hour and every moment. You deserve a hand to hold at home and everywhere else. You deserve a man who can help you and encourage you, not a man who needs help and not a man who needs encouragement. Padme, I am so unworthy of your touch. Say the words and I'll go._

 _I didn't know what being a Jedi was like when I was a kid. I never even thought about marriage. Of course, I didn't. I was nine. I didn't think they would forbid me to see my own mother or to fall in love. I didn't think I would be asked to not miss people or to grieve. How do they expect me to be so inhuman? How do they expect me to act as a machine?_

 _A machine. Maybe someday I will be just that. Maybe their little plan will finally break me._

 _I'm so tired. I just want to go home. I just want rest._

 _Rest._

 _I don't even know what rest is. The order is very demanding. So are my dreams._

 _I almost left the order once. In some ways, I wish I did. Of course, I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be with Padme that way and I wouldn't trade that for galaxies, but I sometimes think of the what ifs._

 _I remember that kid, who called me what he did. Saying that I'm only a slave boy. I won't be any real threat. How I'm weak. I hated that kid and I could have killed him if I wanted to. He was unaware of that. I'm glad I didn't but that doesn't mean the memory doesn't I see him on occasion I have to quicken my pace, fearing that I might snap back to that time of hurt and do something awful._

 _I simply want to rest. It can be difficult, but all I have to do is breathe, close my eyes and pretend all is well. I can pretend the air is cool and the galaxy is peaceful. I can pretend. I can pretend to rest._

 _But I want real rest. I want an eased mind and a calm spirit. I want to feel free and whole. I want my love's kisses and my brother's hugs. I want my mother to tell me how brave I am and tell me how complete she is that I love her equally as much._

 _But no! That can never be. The Jedi wouldn't allow it even if she were alive. They're hypocrites, being opposed to chaos while lighting this flame inside of me!_

 _I'm sorry, mother. I won't be your hero today._

"Anakin," Obi Wan breathed out, placing the journal beside him, bowing his head down with the pull of the wind.

It was late and Obi Wan knew he better head inside to avoid the sand people. The Tuscans. The ones that Anakin murdered. Now if he focused on them long enough, he could feel where they were. Where they hid. They were still haunted by a man with a sickly white face and a blade of blue with eyes more deadly than the blade. Their screams echoed in the night and Obi Wan had to turn his back on the desert before getting lost in the sound.

 _Today I was Knighted. Meaning that I am no longer a Padawan. I don't have to share a room with Obi Wan anymore. I don't have to be accompanied everywhere I go. I don't have to wear that ridiculous Padawan braid. I can grow my hair out like I always wanted to._

 _But I'm not thinking about that. All I can think about is how much easier it will be to see Padme._

 _The knighting ceremony was odd. The attention that they gave me made me feel awkward and the part of me that resides in this book wanted to run as far as possible. However, the part that I play, that part that I need to play, well, he wanted to bow. He wanted to say he deserved it. He wanted an applause. But for me...I wanted to go home. Home to my heart. I wanted to tell my wife the news._

 _It was just this morning that I was staring at Obi Wan's potted plants, observing the two rose plants that seemed drawn together, tangled up in vines, wrapped around each other's throats. I feel it only makes sense to get myself my own rose plant. I guess I could put it in my own window as Obi Wan does with his, but I feel it's needed elsewhere. I want it to grow in Padme's home and I want her to keep it with my heart and I want its vines to wrap her in hugs when I'm not there and I want its smell to remind her that I will come home soon._

 _Though, I keep forgetting about the thorns when I make up these analogies._

 _Pot in hand, I fly to my home. In all honesty, I haven't had one truly happy moment since my wedding._

* * *

Darth Vader sat perfectly still, his back against a leather chair, his body aching from soul to skin. He examined himself once, trying to see reason. Trying to see that he did what was right. But he was so little compared to what he was once. He had no heart to go home to, so he relied on the new one that forced him to breathe and he found he could live like this. Because he didn't care. Because heartless people cannot even if they want to. That's what happens when death comes near.

He almost killed himself the night before, because he didn't care. His master told him to stop and he listened because he didn't care. And now, his body felt as if it were burning all over again. He could have cried but he didn't mind the pain. He had no heart after all. And that is exactly how his master liked him. His master was what he cared about because his master was the only one who cared for him.

And so he believed that.

But when he closed his eyes...he felt something else. Something different. Something outside of the machine. Something outside of the numbness. It worked like a photo album, flipping violently until the present was met. He sees colors and words and he sees glimpses of smiling faces and words that sound like love. But then he comes to the present and the past doesn't mean much to him at all. The enticing flow of black around him soothes his tired soul, even makes him grin beneath his mask. And then he goes and stands, pretending his smile is genuine. He pretends it is more than the highness of hatred and that he is truly happy. But then he remembers...and he knows what happiness was. He sees a flash of color, or chestnut eyes or of lace material or soft locks. And then the memory dies and Vader walks to his master, not caring.

His artificial heart beats within him, with each footstep, as if whispering to him. _You must let love save you._ _You must let love save you_. But Vader remembers an image of roses. Vines growing wildly, wrapping around his beloved's neck. And that... that came from him. That came from his heart. That came from love. And if love was good, why did her body lay under the bouquet of beautiful flowers? Why did her lifeless body stand underneath the hand that tried to show her reason?

So Vader decided not to love. Not to try to save it. Not to try to save anything. He decided it would be best to never attempt a deed with good intentions ever again because of all the inevitable outcomes. Perhaps love was once beautiful, but every flower has its thorns.

"Lord Vader, I trust you are healing pleasantly."

The machine stood before the shadow. "Yes, master."

"When you come to me, you bow." his master instructed, sounding like ice.

Vader proceeded to stretch down to his knees, feeling a terrible wave of pain spread through his body. Failing terribly to resist the pain, he fell forward, stopping himself with his hands, which felt no better. "I am sorry, my master. I cannot." The Sith moved until he was laying on his back. He felt his body twist in pain in a sudden way that Vader couldn't understand. He looked up, only to be thrown back down by his master's power.

"Rise, Lord Vader, and bow before you master." The emperor declared, releasing Vader. It was then that the new Sith realized that his master had inflicted such pain A part of him broke inside as if he did have a heart. But then he looked up, felt the warm breeze of darkness and let it in. So he rose, steadied himself and bowing before his master.

 **And there's chapter 2! The lyrics are from Again by Flyleaf.**

 **I do not own Star Wars if anyone was wondering.**

 **Thank you so much for your comments! I truly appreciate every one of them and I get so excited every time. I love hearing your comments, opinions, and theories. Thanks again! Next week I'm going to have to do something special for you guys. Remember, if I get 20 reviews by the next chapter you will get 2 extra chapters next month. Love you all!**

 **Jenna**


	4. Chapter 3

**Three**

 _But you were not okay_

 _With all of that weight_

 _You need to give up_

 _I don't want a padawan. It's as simple as that. And here she is now, following after me, thinking she knows what she's doing. I've just been knighted. I just found a way to be alone. A way to get to Padme without another person in the way, and now here she is, Ahsoka Tano. What was Yoda thinking?_

It was a short entry. Obi Wan almost laughed at how utterly blunt it was, and at how he knew Anakin's opinion changed about the girl. Ahsoka had been such a good friend to Anakin. Like a little sister. And her leaving...it all had a part. It all had a part in Anakin's self-destruction.

 _I don't want to be her master, but I can't say "no." When I look at her, I see myself when I was only nine, standing before the council. I remember their words and their refusal. I remember feeling like I was nothing but an object in their eyes, as they debated whether I was useful to them or not. In her eyes, I see myself. And I see my master's reluctant eyes, not wanting to train some worthless child. And I remember feeling like my heart was wide open and everyone could see me as if I was naked. They told me to stop missing my mother and they told me to keep my fear at bay. When I look at her, I see myself. I know what rejection feels like and I don't want anyone to feel that way. And so, even though I hate it, and I don't really want it, I know I will someday. Someday when I don't have it anymore._

" _You wouldn't have made it as Obi Wan's padawan…" I had told her. "But you might make it as mine."_

 _And so now I start something new, and I wonder if this will be the satisfaction I want so badly._

The Tatooine suns fall as night comes and Obi Wan spends another evening in the same place, sitting on his cloak, legs crossed in a meditative position, and a leather journal placed in his lap. The more he reads, the more he longs to understand, and in return, he reads some more.

He wonders for a moment, what this purpose may be and why he must understand. Perhaps it's for his own self-conclusion, or maybe something more. Maybe he was looking for hope. Maybe he was betting he could find something to prove Anakin's light, to prove he wasn't dead.

Maybe not. Maybe Anakin didn't even journal during the time of his full transformation. Maybe Obi Wan would find no answer. But he would read on, just to be sure. Just in case he could find hope for redemption if it even existed.

* * *

A pair of blue eyes opened wide, abruptly, gazing around in a horrified realization. The hyperbaric chamber surrounded him, closing him in, trapping him, and he slept here. And he would...from now on.

For a moment, he took the time to remember. Remember why he was here, remember who he was now. For a second he thought he was a stranger from another time and he absentmindedly turned his head to see his companion. A coldness hit his face when he found only the metal walls of the dome as he swallowed hard, tasting blood in his mouth.

His first attempt at sitting hurt in a way that Vader hadn't felt before, not even after coming away from his surgery. It had been almost a week and now he was in even more pain than before. In a sitting position, he felt his chest grow hard in panic as an unbearable burning sensation spread through his blood reaching his head, leaving him feverish and trembling. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stop the shivering, but it only increased with time. He let himself slowly lean back into the big black chair.

The second time he tried to rise from his seat, he felt more confident, telling himself that he could do it this time, without fail. But his efforts were pointless, and in moments he was screaming at the top of his lungs as his body crumbled back.

On his third try, the pain had eased mildly, but he found an overwhelming amount of nausea which resulted in vomit being thrown all over the inside of the chamber. His eyes watered as he brushed hands across his grotesque face, and for the first time since Mustafar, he cried. For what felt like hours. And in his body, trembling in bitter sobs, he told himself that he was crying because his body hurt. Over and over he told himself because he needed to believe that.

"The emperor demands you meet with him," came an unfamiliar voice over the intercom.

Vader's body responded to this statement with another round of vomit, and when he fell back into his seat he wished that death would fall on him. There was no way he could go, no matter how hard he tried.

But he tried anyway, standing up for a moment, his eyes brimming with tears. But the moment was short-lived and excruciating pain befell his lungs and he had to sit down to keep from fainting.

Deciding he didn't want to be the one to meet Palpatine's displeasure, he told that same Admiral who had contacted him to tell the emperor that Lord Vader couldn't come because he was unwell.

Before he could find out if the man lived, he began drifting off in restless exhaustion and in moments he was asleep.

The Emperor was displeased when he found out that his apprentice hadn't been lying when he said he was unwell, so Sidious was quite frustrated at the task of finding a suitable doctor who would understand the high technology that Lord Vader required. By the end of the lengthy examination, the doctor prescribed a drug of some sort and proclaimed that Vader would need at least two weeks of bedrest. The emperor replied with a snarl and told Vader that he would receive two days instead.

His apprentice appeared to be thankful in his unmasked eyes and Palpatine found himself despising him for such a positive emotion. "I thank you, my master, for your generosity." The words were meant to please him, the emperor was sure, but they did not. They only made him angrier. Of course, if Vader had failed to thank him, it would make him angry as well, if not more.

Vader lay in bed, semi-pleased to be in one. He wore nothing on his face but a clear breathing mask, which he found more appealing than his black one. He had spent his first week as Vader, sleeping in a sitting position but now he was being asked to lie down. He was grateful for at least that pleasure. He spent his time trying to figure out how he could best please his new master, and how he could push forward with the large amount of pain that was burning in his limbs. The pain hadn't actually stopped, but lying made it a lot more bearable.

He allowed the darkness to mask his pain, letting it fall over his body and fill him with adrenaline that asked him to dance, asked him to forget all that was around him and freefall into the nothingness it held for him. And without thought, he allowed such a thing and a perverted feeling of peace fell over him, and not rest, but sleep found him.

* * *

 _The last few weeks have changed me no doubt. Having an apprentice makes me feel alive in ways I hadn't thought possible. And to think I hated the idea. But now Ahsoka seems to fit as if she should have been here for a long time. She isn't here to guide me, rather I'm here to guide her. I have to search my heart to know how to reach her effectively. I can't be the same way I was. I can't be a walking bomb lit at both ends and I can't allow her to see the fear that nearly paralyzed my face every time I breathe in._

 _I must be strong, and pretending long enough eventually leads to belief. And slowly, I believe. I believe that I am strong. Stronger than I thought._

 _I already fear the day she leaves. I know it will come. I don't know how I do. All I know is that it will probably be my fault. The sand falls all around me and I know time is running low, but it's only the beginning! Maybe I'm just ahead of myself, ahead of all. I've always been able to see bits of the future. Maybe it's just that. The future._

 _Obi Wan told me this evening to go home because I need rest. Rest. As if. As if it were possible. I have to busy myself, lest I fall into myself. I can't allow my body to win over my heart. My heart is my purity that is held by an angel and I can't let my body win. Because my body doesn't want to try. It wants to pull back into fitful sleep, tormenting itself with illusions of eyes in windows and fits of betrayal from loved ones coming back to knock me down. Rest is an illusion, sleep is a trap._

 _But my heart is held by my sweet angel. She looks at me as if I can and will do right in the galaxy. Her soft hands caress my shaking bones and my eyes stay open wide, without rest, but with tainted peace, and that is at least some form of what I want. Some form of what everyone wants. If my heart is in her hands, I am free. My body will not win. Not as long as my beloved lives._

* * *

Vader reached out into the night, feeling the edges of the wind, breathing in the peace of twinkling stars, and a strange shiver fell through him as if he accidentally came across something he shouldn't have. Mentally scolding himself for unknown treachery, he proceeded, diving deeper into the forbidden, feeling strange remorse for a purity that reached through the stars.

But he couldn't stop. He was drawn to a melody, galaxies far, and it soothed him as he slept, dancing around his dreams, staring blindly at him as if he was not around them. A figure danced and sang songs, using words like " _love"_ and " _light,"_ and Vader choked on the tug that wished to pull him away.

 _Power will bring me strength_ , he whispered in half a dream.

 _No._

A child reached for him, placing a warm finger on his bare face, showing no fear, only acceptance. The child searched him as if he was soaring through him. He tugged on ribbons of light, trying to pull them out from their tightly closed box. Then, for a moment, the box lifted, and Vader's pulse increased, and he wanted to fly, and he wanted to live.

But then another voice met his mind and it told him he was filthy. The second voice was a lot stronger than the first one and soon the first voice fell into the fabric of the sky and the new voice crawled down his throat, tied up the beautiful box and pointed a cold finger at the destroyed organs, and it laughed loudly as if mocking his heart's absence. _Welcome,_ came the cold reply.

Vader opened his eyes from what he saw, and he found himself trembling under the light of a sterile room. It was day two of two.

The voice met him in the light, but it acted as a shadow, hindering his sight. _My dear, there is no way out now._ And the lights were out. _Your choice. Only your choice._

 _Okay_ , was all he said. But it wasn't his voice or his mind. It was his body, falling into submission to the shadow, and he let it. He had nothing to guide him back to the first voice. Only a heart can do that.

* * *

 _Without Padme, I am lost. She holds my heart and I only find it when I am home. But Ahsoka, my dear sister, she is something. She can't hold my heart. Only someone like Padme can do that. Ahsoka is not my angel, but she brings me sanity. And she holds my sanity now. Just as my master holds my bravery. And the pieces meet, and I am whole. But if one were to be without the other. Bravery without sanity, sanity without heart, a heart without bravery…_

 _Well, things don't work that way. This is why they warn me to stay clear of attachment, and I know they are right. My restless-self proves their words. But I breathe in their words, and I bring out these things, and I let them cling onto me, even if they are unaware. Even if they don't see how much I need them. Ahsoka keeps me sane. Obi Wan keeps me brave. Padme keeps me loving. And without them...my qualities lack. I lose sanity. I lose bravery. And I lose my heart. And strangely, I don't mind. I don't mind that I don't hold myself at all. I don't mind that I am one, kept by many._

 ** _Hey, everyone!_**

 ** _The lyrics are from a song called Rest by Nevertheless._**

 ** _This chapter is kind of strange in my opinion but it's something that I didn't have the heart to delete. I really wanted to address Vader's abuse concerning the emperor in more detail. The sickness in itself was kind of weird. My medical knowledge is lacking incredibly, so I can't entirely explain what's happening here. Just imagine a combination of Vader still in pain from Mustafar combined with a common sickness. Sounds like a living hell if you ask me._**

 ** _As for the journal entries, I really hope you like them. I promise there will be more action soon._**

 ** _Keep the reviews coming guys. I appreciate them so ridiculously much. Your comments and questions are so encouraging. Love you all lots!_**

 ** _Ps: if I get 20 reviews before the next chapter, I will start updating every other Wednesday as well._**

 ** _May the Force be with you!_**


	5. Chapter 4

**Four**

 _I love the way that your heart breaks_

 _With every injustice and deadly fate_

 _Praying it all will be new_

 _And living like it all depends on you_

* * *

 ** _About 60 days after Revenge of the Sith_**

Two children lay in separate cribs, so far apart yet so close. Their bodies are far, but their souls have already become one despite that they don't know their own hearts yet. They are completely aware of each other. The brother sends the girl images of a beautiful and sad woman that she holds dear as she sleeps. And the sister sends her brother images of a brave man, of a Jedi Knight, and the boy clings to them as he wishes he could someday be that man. Each one forgets with time what they sent to each other, but both always remember what they did receive.

They were to grow up in separate places and they weren't supposed to meet until past their youth. But the force took them in kind arms and sang them lullabies so they loved each other, though they were unaware of who the other was. Still, they share the songs, and they send them to the darkest of souls and whispered their love into the night. The dark souls trembled in jealousy, and the dark souls waited hungrily each night until the songs play again.

* * *

 _I go on and I latch myself with all. I cannot bear physically to see suffering among any. Though my heart is all Padme's, all pieces of me beg for peace in this galaxy and I find myself in deep suffering simply because good people die and evil ones live. Pieces fall from me with each dead soldier and I wonder how I am still alive. How do I walk even now?_

 _My heart still aches for the death of so many and I wish the pain would stop. I don't understand why my mind was built like this. Why was my heart stretched in this form? Why was my body forced to live in such a painful place? Where are those slaves I promised to free? Why does slavery still exist even now?_

 _I have been wrestling for hours now and I needed to put my thoughts onto paper._

 _ **Needed.**_

 _I guess I was wrong about the journal. I guess Obi Wan was right. I'm never going to tell him that, though. I can't and I won't._

"We are in a time of war, Anakin." Obi Wan told him at the start of the war, with the ship's soft hum, making his words seem kinder. "As sad as it is, we cannot prevent all casualties. Death is natural and we must learn to accept it."

"Learn?"

"Yes, Anakin. We must learn." his brother told him softly. "It doesn't happen overnight and the pain doesn't just go away, but that is why our souls are made to grow and keep learning."

"What are we to learn?" came a small voice. "Are we to learn not to feel?"

Obi Wan shook his head slowly. "No, not that. Truly, I don't know. I'm still learning myself. Souls grow Anakin and they don't stop."

"I think I understand," Anakin whispered, yawning. "But that doesn't make it hurt any less."

 _My master was forced to drag me back to our ship. It seems I went into shock after what happened on the battlefield today. They killed small children, and we couldn't save all of them. My soul is empty, and I feel no growth._

"Master, how could this happen?" came a voice that didn't feel like one of a man."How could there be such cruelty in the galaxy?"

"It's awful, Anakin. But that is why we exist. We are keepers of the peace and we must serve the galaxy in any way we can."

"If that is true, why is a four-year-old dead?!"

 _Are we losing more than we are saving? I feel like I kill more than I rescue. As if I shouldn't be allowed to touch anything. I'm not a hero. Peace cannot be accomplished through murder. The Jedi know that too. The Jedi teach that. Yet separatists are dying and I am to blame. Cruel as they may be, they were once innocent. Every person was once innocent. So was I. But now I'm trapped in this war, and I feel as if I hold the keys to killing or saving it._

"You had to destroy it, Anakin. You cannot dwell on this. It will kill you."

Anakin nodded, wholeheartedly agreeing. "Those men may have had families."

"I know."

 _I don't know how I feel about this war now. I have lost track of why it exists. I have lost track of what I was at its beginning and I worry that I am being lied to. Maybe Obi Wan? Palpatine? Ahsoka? Maybe even Padme. I feel like I'm being excluded from some big secret. They all seem to understand the purpose of this war, but I…_

 _I don't understand anything anymore._

* * *

Darth Vader could feel a tug of light, reaching to him through the window. He had accomplished plenty in a long day of events, slaughtering a stray Jedi Knight and robbing a family of their home. And he felt cold, careful, steady...and wrong. But a part of him didn't even care what he felt. When it happened, when the Jedi was slain, he felt accomplishment surge in his heart and he didn't think about morality or any of this light that pulled through his skin. All he knew was that he was buying himself time. His master may not kill him tonight.

It was a stupid fear. But his master _would_ kill him. He would. And he could. If only he could find someone better than this fallen Jedi. Vader decided that the task wouldn't be so difficult if Palpatine got off his throne for once.

Vader's hatred grew for the man. His friend. His friend who hurt him with a smile. And was Padme alive? Was darkness really satisfying enough to keep him strong?

 _My pain came from the flames_ , he told himself again _. I do not miss my enemies. They betrayed me. I'm glad she died. I am glad they are all gone._

 _No_ , came the light. _You aren't._

His brain was thunderous that night as he sat, eyes closed and mind wide open and outstretched. He felt a song in the back of his mind, as a lullaby or a matra. It told him repeatedly, _love is the answer, love is the answer._ Vader spat back, hissing and releasing venom into the air. More vulnerable the voice came forth, _oh, what could have been. Love, oh love is the answer._

"Loves brings death." he spoke out loud.

 _So...you killed that Jedi in the name of love, in the memory of love?_

Vader could feel the tug that the voice had on him and he hated it furiously. _Play your peaceful songs, mysterious voice. Play them and give me that rest you speak of. Please don't condemn me. Please don't hurt me._

The voice died off without a response and Vader could do nothing but push his hands against the walls of his chamber. _I want to go home_.

Miles from there, miles upon miles, there lay a newborn girl, screaming for something her adopted parents could never understand. She wasn't hungry and she wasn't tired. She was screaming for someone. Someone who could never come back. Bail tried his best to soothe the child but her crying didn't stop until many hours later when she fell back in exhaustion. By now it was morning and her father had gotten just as much sleep as his new daughter.

He had taken on the task of adopting a force sensitive baby. The child would receive no training as a child and Bail understood the danger. Leia was a Skywalker and Bail only hoped he could keep Leia under better control than Obi Wan did with Anakin.

As for Leia, she was heard by someone. Someone who loved her deeply but had no way of believing that he did. He didn't acknowledge what he was hearing but he gave into its sweet scent, and he allowed it pull the pieces inside of him together in the best way possible. _I love you, I love you_ , the voice came. It was the guilty pleasure of a Sith Lord- the song of a child's light.

Due to his willingness, the box of ribbons fell open and strings of gold wrapped around his mind, holding him in a sweet song, swiftly dancing as if they celebrated his existence. _Don't give into despair_ , they sang. _Don't leave, sing with me._

Though he refused to open his mouth, he let himself fall into the golden light and that's how he fell asleep that night. That's how he had been falling asleep for weeks now.

* * *

"You're conflicted," snapped his master's voice in utter hatred at his apprentice's new found addiction. "The light will not help you. Do not call for it. Do not interact with it. Your power will lessen...the light will teach you to trust untrustworthy people."

 _Like you_ , his mind whispered. "I am sorry, my master. I will not allow this pull of light to touch me. I am consumed in darkness and that I will stay."

"Just because you have become something other than what I hoped for doesn't mean you shouldn't try." Sidious spat.

The kneeling man on the floor felt like he was laying on glass. "I do try, my master. I will try harder if I must."

"You must," Sidious confirmed. "Do not let yourself hide from the dark side. If you hide, you will not feel its power. Tell me, Lord Vader. Does it make you powerful?"

The Sith nodded, ignoring the pain in his legs as he kneeled. "Yes, my master. I feel strong."

"Don't hide from the darkness. The light will not bring you peace, it will only blind you from what the galaxy is. You must not hide from your pain. You must face it! You must be it! You must not touch the light again!"

Sidious had gotten dangerously close to Vader, who feared his master would sense his discomfort. His arms and legs were about to give out and he trembled at the thought of what his master would do if he was seen falling to his face.

"Have I made myself clear?" he asked the machine.

"Yes," the booming voice croaked. "Thank you, my master."

"Now get out, I have already told you your assignment."

Vader nodded, feeling as if the pieces that were put back in place had fallen out again. Except for this time, the darkness didn't make him feel numb. The numbness was nice. But it didn't last and now he felt it all in full effect. His death wish came running through his head and this time he did care. He cared so much that he wished for it furiously.

 **Lyrics: Again by Flyleaf**

 **That chapter is fairly short, but another chapter will be up on Wednesday and then again next weekend. Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews! Keep it up. They are wonderful! I don't know what else to say. More very soon.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Five**

 _I love that you're never satisfied_

 _With face value wisdom and happy lies_

 _You take what they say and go back and cry_

 _You're so close to me that you nearly died_

 _My heart feels like a stone tonight. Nothing is right anymore and nothing is pure. All that exists is the burning fire that begs me to kill. I haven't spoken since the incident and I know someone must be worried, but I feel as if no Jedi Knight has looked upon me with the sympathy of any kind. Every time I close my eyes, the images are there_

 _...Obi Wan falling, Ahsoka's eyes filled with tears, and Obi Wan's lifeless body in my arms. My brother! The love I feel for him morphs into something more. Something darker. My inability to talk is irrelevant. I don't know why I can't._

 _I am mute because no words can express how I feel. No words can justify. No words can ease. Ahsoka hasn't left me since it happened other than for the night. My dreams were merciless, tormenting...Obi Wan has my strength. It all makes sense. And now, he has taken my strength to speak._

 _After the ceremony, Ahsoka ran after me, eyes full of tears and open arms. I accepted the hug she was offering and wept openly, violently and hysterically. Ahsoka didn't look at me with judgment like the other Jedi did. She simply held me in her tiny arms and told me how alright everything would be. Even if I didn't believe her, I thank the council for at least that. My padawan. My wonderful Ahsoka who is my sister and my best friend._

"I can't believe he's really gone," Anakin cried, uttering his first words since it happened. "He can't be gone!"

"I'm so sorry, master. I can only imagine how you must feel."

 _I basically crumbled after that. To a heap on the floor. Ahsoka didn't leave for hours and I am so thankful for her. But I don't want to go on, even with her. I don't truly care if I go on right now._

* * *

 **About 190 days after Revenge of the Sith**

"I can't let you in," Vader told the sweet melody of light. "My life will end tonight, I am sorry."

The child cried hysterically, wrapping ribbons of gold around the Sith's arms, it sang songs that spoke of love's enticing beauty and the child breathed warm kisses all around him, even though they didn't touch him. His steeled decision of death wavered momentarily when a full child stood before him. She could have been maybe three years old and she looked at him with purity and goodness, tears flowing freely from her eyes. _**NO! Don't!**_

Vader looked away, unnerved by the child's eyes, so familiar and too bright. _Foolish child, you just don't understand! You're full of innocence and love. I...I'm not. Go away! Don't let yourself be tainted by the darkness. I will die tonight and I don't care what it does to you._

The child didn't look away for a moment. _If you're going to die...at least let the light in first._

He shook his head furiously. That was what got him through the nights. It was only a trap the child wanted to put him in, just to live. _I don't want to make it through the night. I don't want to make it at all. There is nothing left for me!_

The child looked down, tears burning in her brown eyes.

* * *

 _It was all a lie. A terrible lie. How could they do this to me? I trusted them. I did! And now, now I never can again. They let me believe that Obi Wan was dead. For days! And he let them! It was HIS idea. They watched me cry hysterically. They knew I had stopped talking. They were aware of my brokenness and how utterly unstable I was. Anyone could see that! But they let me believe it. All they had to do was inform me that it was all fake. That's all they had to do. But they allowed me to believe my master was dead. My master_ _ **was**_ _dead. I was so sure. And they all pretended to mourn. They even put the Dutchess through their evil lies. I hate them! I truly hate them. They have no right to order me around when they don't know the first thing about morality. I highly doubt my trust in them will ever be restored._

 _But what about Obi Wan? I never fully believed in the Jedi, but I always believed in him. Now I don't. Now I can't. I'm sorry. I can no longer give you my trust._

"How could I?" Obi Wan asked himself beneath the twins suns, "How could I do this to him?" A deep ache formed in his soul that he hadn't realized was there, hadn't given into when he should have. Oh, how he wished he would have apologized better...how he wished the incident could have been avoided completely. How had he forgotten so soon what he had done?

"Anakin! I'm so sorry...please forgive me!" he screamed into the night, hoping he might be heard, hoping his friend was still out there somewhere even in his darkness. Obi Wan knew he didn't deserve it, but he wanted Anakin's forgiveness so terribly.

For his poor teaching, for his betrayal, for what happened on Mustafar! _Oh, Anakin I'm so sorry!_

 _Everything is my fault_ , he decided. _EVERYTHING._

"Forgive me Anakin, hear me!"

The older Jedi fell to the ground in regret, sobbing bitterly toward himself, praying that his words would reach his friend, praying that his friend would listen.

 _Obi Wan doesn't understand. His apology means nothing to me. I know it isn't meaningful. I love him, but it hurts too much to look at him. Though my friend is not dead, a part of me wishes he was. At least then we would part on good terms. We were closer than we used to be...I was actually starting to believe he cared, but now it is clear that his sincerity was just a charade, as was his demise._

* * *

Vader turned around toward the child, believing he had heard her say something.

"What?" he asked out loud, disbelief evident in his tone. He turned around to find only his quarters and no child. Not _his_ child. He looked around frantically, searching for the little girl. "Where did you go? Come back!" he yelled, running around the room, his heart beating in his chest painfully. His lungs ached again and he knew he would have to sit soon if he wanted to remain well.

But he was the one who didn't want that, right? He was the one who wanted to die.

So he didn't stop searching. He made his way into the corridors, searching each room, whispering an unfamiliar name under his breath. _Leia..._ he heaved, not understanding where it came from. Yet he said it again. _Leia._ Again and again.

 _Leia, where are you?_

Suddenly, he saw her, standing in the shadows, blending in with them, and at that, his heart stopped. Soon she walked forward, eyes as yellow as her golden ribbons and her face was no longer sad and loving, but now filled with anger. _You had your chance, you monster. You deserve death._

His chest felt like it was on fire all over again, as he stumbled back into the corridor. This wasn't her. This was not Leia. It wasn't even her voice.

"Don't act so surprised," the girl screamed. "You would have done this to me anyway! Leave your life, watch and see how everything crumbles!"

 _No, no_...this was not Leia. Not at all. "Who are you?" he spat.

"Oh, me." She whispered darkly. "I am exactly what you make me." Vader walked forward slightly, reaching out his hand.

 _Come with me_ , he pleaded. _We'll find the light together!_

"Liar!" she shrieked, and suddenly he realized whose voice she was using, and he suddenly felt terribly sick. On his hands and knees, he crawled toward her, aching inside and out.

"Leia please!" he begged, tears flowing underneath his mask. "I'm so sorry!"

"No you aren't." she taunted, and suddenly he could feel a steel grip around his own throat, slowly and surely making each breath harder and harder to gasp. This other perspective made him hate himself like he had never hated anything before. It felt so right and just concerning his life. It only fit!

"This is for mother!" she hissed, blackening the world around him until he lost consciousness.

Images flowed wildly in his head, some from the past and some from the future. He breathed evenly, beads of sweat flowing down his face as he cried through a fitful sleep. The images killed him inwardly as he saw it all. All he couldn't bear.

He relived the beatings from when he was a slave and the falsely caring look in the eyes of the chancellor. He saw Qui Gon's smile and his funeral. Soon came thousands of memories of training in the Jedi temple, the children who made fun of him, and some of his master's words. He saw the council and the children who he had later slaughtered. And he saw the soft smile of his wife, absolutely stunning in Naboo's sunlight. He rehearsed the times in war where he would come home crying from the ache and he remembered sitting alone in his room after nightmares, having no one to go to at all. And he saw Ahsoka's youthful glow and Master Windu falling from the broken window, and suddenly, his eyes opened.

He looked around and found he was still in his chamber, sitting up straight and dreaming. He breathed out, searching the room for Leia.

 _Forgive me Anakin, hear me!_ Came a familiar voice, and Vader was overcome with heartache and fell to the floor in misery.

 _I hear you_ , he screamed out to the night.

 **And there is chapter 5!**

 **Lyrics are from Again by Flyleaf, again!**

 **I feel like this chapter was super necessary as well as they particular journal entries. Nobody ever talks about what happened between Anakin and Obi Wan in the clone wars and I find it so important! It practically changes everything.**

 **Another chapter this weekend.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Six**

 _They don't have to understand you_

 _Be still_

 _The separation between me and Obi Wan is needed. Being unable to look him in the eye is just one of the many reasons I cannot be around him. I finally had a chance to talk to Padme about it, and it's safe to say she was shocked. She had a difficult time believing that Obi Wan would do that to me. I agree with her, though. I still don't understand._

 _I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I want to trust him again. Really, I do. But once trust is broken, it is nearly impossible to put it back together._

Obi Wan woke up early the next morning, still startled by the reply he got to his plea. He was just about to go to sleep when he heard it. The sorrow that was edged in the man's voice, cutting like glass in the older man's heart. And to say the least, he was utterly shocked that the man was willing to respond at all. But the reply came, nevertheless, and it came loud. _I hear you_ , came the confirmation. Obi Wan thought he was finished and that it was going to be that and that alone. An emotionless, _I hear you._ But then Obi Wan felt a cry break in the wind and an agonized, _you have done nothing wrong!_

It was as if he was rebuking Obi Wan's remorse, telling him to stop.

 _I cannot forgive you,_ came a soft voice while Obi Wan was drifting off to sleep. _I haven't even forgiven myself._

 _The last few days with Obi Wan have been better. In all honesty, I don't think he's aware that I'm still bitter. He mustn't since he appears to speak to me the same way he always did, with humor and grace, and sincerity. I still can't believe half of what he says._

 _Having Ahsoka here helps because I can tell she understands. She knows how upsetting all of this is to me and is thoroughly willing to talk to him while I go "take a nap," or rather, take a moment to collect my emotions._

 _I'm, of course, equally upset with the order. Yoda keeps giving me these sideways grins and I feel like I should know what they mean, but I simply don't understand. But in my opinion, it seems to me as if it's a signal of some sort, to warn the rest of the Jedi of my unwelcomed presence._

 _I'll admit that I need to tame my responses to their questions, but it's difficult to love on people who are capable of such a large amount of cruelty and then proceed in it. I know I'm not everything, truly. But I think I deserve at least some sort of respect. I'm not trying to get on the council. Honestly, right now I don't feel like being associated with the Jedi more than I already am. However, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to be encouraged for once. All I ever get is "you're too reckless" or "you let your emotions control you." But could I ever hear "Good job, Anakin," or "You did well," I doubt it. I don't need a ceremony, I just need to know that I mean something and I'm not just a pawn in their game. Because right now that's exactly what I feel like. Like I'm part of some game._

Darth Vader woke up feeling drained as if he had been squeezed dry of his strength and left with only his aching body. He assumed it had to do with all the running he had done or the running he didn't do. Or the amount of crying his body had to endure. Honestly, it was all a blur now. He wanted to know the difference between reality and illusion, but now the lines blurred together, giving him a massive headache.

He knew the Emperor was expecting him soon, and at the thought, he found his heart racing. He hadn't been mentally prepared to face the Emperor today. He was supposed to die...but something stopped him.

Something.

It didn't help that light was flowing all through his quarters, clinging to the walls and beating like hammers through the cracks of his hyperbaric chamber. He wasn't even fully aware of where he was standing on the line of the force. Was he in the dark or the light now and did it matter? He swore he could even recall communicating with Kenobi in the night. The thought of it sending shivers down Vader's spine.

His mind was spiraling out of control by the time he reached the door. With each inhale, he was forced to exhale frustration, and he was unnerved by how black he felt. Maybe the light was only an illusion and it was just the dark teaching him a lesson. Maybe the little girl was just there to taunt him and to show him that light wasn't all that it was said to be.

 _Rest, love_... came its plea. Vader sighed, his frustration only growing.

 _No. I can't. I don't want this._

The light wasn't frustrated by his stubbornness. It only came closer, trying to creep underneath his armor and set his heart ablaze, but Vader pushed it back. _**No!**_

 _What do you fear?_ It asked. Vader walked forward, effectively ignoring its call. _The dark side covers up fear, but hope cures it._

The Sith sighed inwardly, thriving on the darkness he was now calling upon. The more the light approached him, the more ugly he felt. The more grotesque he believed he was. It nearly stung in its power, filling up wounds with stars and sealing the cracks in himself with gold. His body wanted its touch, but his reason held him back.

All he could see was his master's fury. He could already feel the pain the lightning would cause.

So he called on blackness, sealing his eyes with horror, letting the black rain fall across his skin. The dark didn't hurt as bad. It didn't judge his body and it didn't call out his flaws. Instead, it said, _**use that. Use that and have power.**_

Vader flinched back when the dark touched him, holding his body still as it made its way through his wounds. After a moment, he relaxed in the numbness, and though he couldn't feel it, he was aware of the emptiness inside. He wanted to scream until it left. But how could one rid themselves of emptiness without putting something in?

 _The darkness will ease the pain, but the light will cure the pain._

 _No, it won't. It never did. It never will._

The darkness pulled him forward toward his shuttle, and that would bring him to his master. The darkness urged him to allow his hatred to fill him, and so he listened. The darkness grabbed him by the neck and clawed at his eyes, but Vader didn't even notice.

 _No! Stop!_ Came the light. _Don't let it take you away. You have the capability to thrive...you have beauty to shine…_

His eyes darkened, his face grew pale, and his breath turned heavy.

The light was smothered, just for a while.

Obi Wan Kenobi sat cross-legged, celestial, breathing in the distasteful breeze of his home, placing his head against a large rock. He had spent a great deal of time gaining what he could, processing what was possible of his old master's wisdom.

After a year of isolation from the outside world, Obi Wan, though troubled by his grief, found comfort in the words of Qui Gon Jinn, finding his soul's home in his master's vision. Qui Gon had always held great knowledge, and now it exceeded even Master Yoda, being the one to teach the ones who were still crafted of flesh and bone. The master's presence had a strange warmth, like candle light and warm water. It brought about a feeling never existing in the Jedi chambers, never existing in the temple. It was no wonder Anakin had fallen so far, in the midst of such a frigid spirit, like cold fingers that choke away life or icicles that crash and bring on destruction.

"The light is tangible, transcendent. It is joyful and comely, and it holds the beauty of salvation. It holds all that will give into it."

Obi Wan sat calmly, allowing his eyes to fall shut, pulling in light's good mercy, allowing its beauty to free him from his deep remorse. The light did not relent, and it clung to him, holding him close in a strange embrace, peeling off all that belonged to darkness, gently.

If only his padawan could have had this.

Freeing himself from his thoughts, Obi Wan looked up, debating if he should allow the question to come free from his throat, that one that pulled at him for eternity. "Master?"

Qui Gon looked up slowly, his blue eyes glowing in the transparency. "Yes?"

A light sigh came from the younger man's mouth, falling gently into the air and leaving a cool breeze in the oppressive skies. It felt like a wish to the stars, holding his chest as he unraveled the question, mentally prepared to either live on or die to stand. "Master, I need to know where he's at."

Qui Gon looked up, a small smile tugging on his lips. "He's not so far," Obi Wan was told by the older man, who knew his apprentice was not referring to a location.

The stillness made the ground feel dead, as it was, and Obi Wan pressed on. "Master, is there hope? Is he truly behind that mask?"

"What does your heart tell you?" he asked.

"It tells me that you are at ease with all of this and I want to feel that way too."

Qui Gon grinned. "Obi Wan, do you remember when you were a padawan and I was the master, but you were always the one who saw reason?"

Obi Wan merely nodded.

"When I died, I was forced to be alone, and finally, I saw the reason of my own. But it wasn't the kind that you had. It was a much broader kind. I learned more than I ever did in the Jedi temple and I grew an understanding that I wish I had while I was still alive. But I never could have, because the code would have stopped me."

"Qui Gon, I don't understand what you mean."

"Obi Wan, when one is alone, they learn. There is something about the stillness of our lonesome hearts that teaches us what we couldn't in our chaos. Being alone is a good thing. And now you, my old padawan, will learn. You will learn simply because you are alone, and one always does if they have an open mind. But Vader, Anakin, is also alone, and that is your hope."

"My hope? Master, he isn't alone. He has Palpatine now, he's not alone at all."

"He, my friend, is closer to loneliness than you." Obi Wan wanted to understand. He just wanted to hope like his master. He wanted to see things this way too.

 **Hello everyone, so sorry that I'm posting this on Monday. I know I promised I would send it over the weekend, but I am adjusting to a new job and literally had no time. Next week I will update on Friday so I don't have to worry about it.**

 **As for this chapter, I know it's pretty short. Not all that much happens, but I do promise that drama and action are ahead. Please stick around.**

 **For the third chapter in a row, the lyrics at the top are from Again by Flyleaf. I might really love this song.**

 **I appreciate your reviews and follows. Love** **Ya, have a good day! Expect a chapter on Friday.**


	8. Chapter 7

**Seven**

 _You have found a way_

 _To go on for days_

 _Pretending to live_

 _It's crazy to think that I've been writing since before I was knighted. I was such a different person then. Yes, I was broken and I was painted black in ways that were new, in ways that grew fresh. And yes, I had new demons, new sins that lay behind eyes of light, swarms of gray falling underneath my young and vibrant locks of hair. My eyes were not of a young man, but they were not old either.  
Now they are._

 _At least then I had something that I don't now. At least then I had the security of believing that the Jedi were good. At least then I could trust Obi Wan._

 _I know it's been weeks and my repetitive words sound like just that. Repetitive. But it's all I see. Sometimes I must rehearse my pain to understand what it is, and this is how. This is why this gift was given to me._

 _I guess Obi Wan didn't guess that this journal would be this sort of outlet. That's what he wanted, but he didn't consider the words I would say about him. I wonder what would happen if he were to read in between these pages, seeing the galaxy through my aged eyes. I think...I'd hope, it would cause him at least some pain._

* * *

 **1 Year After the Events of Revenge of the Sith**

It was a great day for the galaxy. Some would say it was a great rebirth, a new age, a new destiny. Lights shined like stars in crowded streets and drunken souls screamed blindly under marvelous fireworks. Souls screamed blindly for a false goodness.

A majority wore faces of allegiance, respectfully looking up to a glorious birth, and the anniversary of a good change. Many souls filled with ignorance gave toasts, chanting songs from rooftops, giving all their worth to false hope. And they were young. And they hoped violently for the change they thought they were seeing.

There were other souls who groaned inwardly, staring at the news in disgust, throwing their glasses through their windows and holding their fists behind their backs. Some held back their tongues. Their tongues of raging fire.

And some men, some men sat alone in the dark, rehearsing their mistakes, rehearsing their ignorance. They would say, _how could I be so blind to this evil? How was I so blind from the truth? A million souls celebrate. A million souls mourn. And I, I just sit. Because of this, this is all my fault. And I have to be the one to make it stop._

"Isn't it a spectacular celebration?" a hideous man whispers under a black cloak.

"Yes, my master." says another voice, trembling in its horror. "Spectacular indeed."

The shadow turns to the machine, an evil grin forming on his face. "Do you remember, Lord Vader, what happened on this day? This day marks great triumph...great celebration. It is in honor of you, Lord Vader. You made this day exist and you will forever reign in its glory. This is the day you won. This is the day you finally saw that senator for what she really was. Isn't it nice to be free?"

A long silence fell upon the two forms on the balcony. Palpatine's smile only grew.

"Because she betrayed you, my apprentice. Now you see that her love was not real. She only had love for your master...you-"

"You...are a-" he breathed. "Liar!" One metal hand gripped the neck of the shadow, eyes behind a mask, burning in hatred. "You know nothing!" the machine wailed, throwing the liar back.

The Emperor steadied himself, looking at his new apprentice. The smile he had earlier did not fade, in fact, it only grew. "Oh, you are so right. You did, you did kill her. Her in all her innocence." The shadow puts a cold hand on the machine's shoulder. "And your...child."

Vader grew dead quiet, looking like a stone to anyone around him, his armor remaining still.

But beneath. Oh beneath, there lay a man trembling. And a man, not a machine, but a man…

In the mood to kill.

* * *

 _Betrayal is dangerous. When one is betrayed, they feel the need to meet in the middle and return the favor. I feel that need every day. Everyday._

 _And it watches me sleep. It watches me dream. And I know it will come someday. I know it will come and get me. But a part of me, the part I ignore. That part that I try to ignore is alive. And I die a little more with each breath of it._

Two children sleep in separate beds, on separate planets, with separate families. They each get different gifts and they each have different amounts of guests. One has nearly a hundred guests while another has three. One dreams of heroes and saviors, men with swords saving princesses and queens. And another dreams of gardens and ocean breezes, and a woman who smiles down at her and kisses her each night before she falls asleep. One is awake while another is dreaming. One cries while another laughs.

But they have a lot more in common than one would think. They both feel what their families cannot. They both see what the galaxy does not. They are only a year old, but they can feel hope in the air and they can see light in all of the dark.

In one moment, at the same time, at the exact second they were born, their eyes open wide with understanding...understanding beyond their families. And they reach out their small hands to a place far away, and they whisper songs to the dark, and they throw strings of gold at blackened statues and a cold heart meets their warmth, and they smile, and he knows that it is the light that is touching him.

He sits in a leather chair, unmasked, tears pouring down his face. And he pleads with the dark to make him numb. _I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember._

But he does, and it feels as if his blood is being drained. His blood is growing cold. He no longer feels the pain that holds him, but he is not numb. He could dream. But now he can only feel his head, his hurricane of a head, as a thousand memories come to him at once, taking the hunger from his body and replacing him with a desperate, _**please!**_

 _I can take the pain_ , came an all too familiar voice.

 _No, I don't want the pain to leave! It's all I have! I don't want to remember. Make me forget. That's what I want! I want to forget the memories! I want to forget myself!_

 _I can only take your pain. Please don't run. Let the light hold you close. Let it fill your heart with joy._ Vader shook his head, holding his hands over his chest as if his soul were to fall out.

 _Joy is a lie._

 _No, joy_ _ **will**_ _come!_

Vader closed his eyes, letting the light clutter around him. _I can't believe that._

 _It's okay,_ murmured the light softly, gently reaching out to the man's damaged heart. Warm fingers brushed his soul, just barely, whispering prayers of hope and laughter to its crooked and twisted frame.

Vader didn't stop its touch.

The light took a step closer, wiping away a bit of dirt, revealing a lone shining star on his chest and he shivered violently at the exposure. _It hurts_... came a deep voice from inside, but the light didn't stop, it only held him closer. _I know_...it said. Don't be afraid.

 _Please, it hurts…_

And the light lets go. It stopped stripping away the darkness, and instead covered him in warm light, stopping his shivers and helping him grow peaceful. His exposure was covered, and his pulse increased at the feeling, and his eyes fell wide, and he liked it.

Still, it hurt to touch the light because the light took away his blindness. He was comfortable in the dark without the truth pointing out his blackness. Vader could only fear what would happen if the darkness left him fully and the lump in his throat indicated the emptiness that would surface in his soul.

But the light, which he didn't realize, wouldn't hurt him. It was the darkness, and the effect of the darkness, that would hurt him. If he were to let the light in, he would find acceptance and forgiveness...but he would also find pain, not due to the light, but rather, the dark.

In his great fear, he pushed back again, as he did each time after pulling in and he called upon darker things to cover him. But his emptiness only grew and he was aware that in time, he would be forced to reevaluate the truth and step out of his makeshift covering, known as the shadow.

Two angelic voices never left him even if they were silenced. Their soft hums could be seen in the stars and felt in the rain, and though Vader felt far, he also continued his search, reaching out his hand to light, and one day, all only hope, that one day, Darth Vader would hold on, and then not let go.

 **Chapter 7, everyone. This chapter feels kind of short but super detailed. I promise it has A LOT of foreshadowing if you feel like really digging into it. Super intense chapters coming soon.**

 **Lyrics: Rest by Nevertheless**

 **Leave your** **reviews, please! They inspire me so much. Love you lots,**

 **Jenna**


	9. Chapter 8

**Eight**

 _But I wouldn't believe him_

 _He did it all that he could_

 _I still would not believe him_

 _Throughout all of the terrible things that plague me and all the awful dreams that race through my head, I have this one glimmering hope. Just one. I have a hope that someday, the things I write about in this journal, will be no more. And I have this hope, that someday I will be able to look back and say, "I learned." Maybe someday my regrets will no longer hurt me and my scars will fade into being old memories._

 _This hope is what drives me forward, and this hope is why I keep writing. My master hasn't pushed the issue in a long time. Perhaps it's because he's seen progress. But truly, I don't think he knows I still write. I do it for the progress so that maybe I can see that I am healing, even if I don't realize I am. And I hope for that._

 _But as I look back, I only see myself descending. I see progress where my mother is concerned, but a million other things have hurt me since and it is like nothing has changed for the better at all._

 _Ahsoka stumbled across this journal today. In an utter invasion of my privacy, she nearly opened it. Before she could see a word, the journal was pulled out of her hands and into mine with my power, but the fact that she knows it exists bothers me still. She is so curious, so driven...and I worry. I worry what would happen if somebody actually read this stuff._

 _A part of me thinks Ahsoka would take in the knowledge silently, keeping it in the back of her head and never bringing it out to words. But that doesn't make me fear it any less. As one's master, I feel the need to be above my padawan. Not in the pride of wanting a title, but in the pride of wanting someone to look up to me._

 _And if Obi Wan were to read any of the content…_

 _I would, first, be utterly humiliated and ashamed. Even with the anger that I hold toward my master, I do want to make him proud._

 _Secondly, I would be petrified. My master is loyal to the order. I do believe he would sell me out with the secrets I hide. Secrets that would surely expel me from the order._

 _The order I don't trust._

 _My trust in Obi Wan, however, has changed. I feel like I have successfully amended a part of our relationship that was originally torn for quite some time. Having my master by my side is a great healing, especially when he proves over and over again just how much he has my back. I needed his strength back in my life and now it is rebuilding itself._

 _For once in some time, I have a hope. And for once in some time, I feel free._

 _Or at least, more free_.

Obi Wan Kenobi sat in the sand, as he always did, with a journal in words of the holo-net seemed to make the days seem longer. Reporting the deeds of a man he knew had a good heart, committing terrible, terrible things.

 _Oh, Anakin. Where are you in this?_

The older Jedi sought comfort in this great storm. Anakin's journal always had the ability to do one of two things.

Give him hope.

Fill him with remorse.

He had tried to ignore Anakin's harsh words about him during the Clone War, but they grew to live in the back of his mind, screaming out to him when he grew a new line of hope. The holo-net hadn't helped, as it enthusiastically told of the destruction of all that was good, all by the hands of a man named Darth Vader.

Obi Wan shuddered at the thought, wondering if Anakin even knew what he was doing or if he saw that it was wrong. Obi Wan had used the dark side on several occasions. It was something every Jedi would face at least once, and it would usually open one's eyes, teaching them to fear the darkness. From the experiences that he had personally had with the darkness, he could see how addicting it was, and how it felt. And it didn't necessarily feel bad…

Until it was over, anyway.

Obi Wan wondered what it was like for Anakin. Was he always fully Sith or did he only become that when he had to be? Did Vader have thoughts, regrets, and actual feelings that weren't tainted with darkness?

He didn't exactly want the answer, of course. He knew it would only hurt him to know. If none of these things existed, it would break his heart to know his friend was truly gone forever. And if all of these things were true, then his heart would break for the immense pain his friend must carry.

 _Does he regret what he did to Padme? Does he even really know?_

These questions were so old. He had been asking them for over a year now but he simply couldn't let them go. Anakin was his best friend and he wished to truly know him now. Longed to know how he could help. But Anakin wouldn't let him in. Obi Wan had left him to burn. He deserved his hatred. _Why couldn't I have been merciful?_ Obi Wan asked himself _. I should have killed him when I had the chance._

Obi Wan nearly cried at the thought. _Oh, Anakin. Please find your salvation. Please don't die when all is still wrong._

He let his wish soar up to the clouds and through the constellations. The silent prayer caught a nerve and Vader felt it strong. Not the words, but their emotions. The Sith sighed, shaking off Kenobi's presence and pushing away the part of him that clung to it. His hatred won and he successfully pushed it back. _No!_ He said. _No…_

 _ **Two blades of metallic blue merged violently, their handles clenched in deadly white hands, souls filled with fear and regret, and one's eyes singing mercy and another singing justice. The hellish land exploded beneath them, erupting in their eyes, erupting in their hearts. Their mouths screamed in hatred and their eyes grew deadly silent, taking in their destruction, seeing who and what they truly were.**_

 _ **This was Jedi against Sith, friend against an enemy, brother against brother...lightning and thunder intertwined into one dark monster. This was not a battle made of two betrayed hearts. It was only Anakin and Obi Wan, Ben and Vader, and all the scars. This was the day to settle a long-lived score and it was the day they would each lose everything that was important to them. It was the day they would lose themselves…**_

The memory would never pass.

Darth Vader released a lonely sigh as he trudged down a darkened corridor, lightsaber in hand, heart somewhere else. The day would result in his shaking form, battling his demons, doing his best to push the light aside.

Before allowing light to touch him, murder was justice. Now, as he fell into this new weakness, in this striving warmness he found a disturbing truth. Now when he murdered another person, he actually saw it as murder. Deep, cold-blooded, merciless, threatening, evil, and unjustified murder. Only murder.

Now he wrestled with an all-consuming guilt, that both sickened his stomach and opened his eyes to his own putrid form. Now, as he walked into the interrogation room, slaughtering each man, one by one, he felt a deep emptiness growing even more so than before. The lifeless bodies on the floor made his body feel limp and all that was felt in his heart was the freezing taste of his own soul.

 _ **Anakin found that he wanted to kill Obi Wan, for what he didn't know. For this betrayal that Anakin believed existed, though Obi Wan only looked at him with deep sadness, not vengeance. It was all a play. It was all fake. No, he told himself. No. This can't be right. Obi Wan betrayed me. Padme betrayed me. I will bring the deaths to each person if it's the last thing I do.**_

Vader walked back to his room, the image of bodies refusing to leave his mind. These were perfect strangers...and Vader felt empty at their loss. Oh, but why?! Why did it hurt him so? What had the light done to him?

Light or dark, he couldn't win. When he was in the light, he starved for darkness. When he was in the darkness, he starved for light. Maybe what he needed was a balance, as the prophecy said he would bring. Maybe his problem was his idea of what light and darkness were supposed to be. Maybe the light wasn't perfection and maybe darkness wasn't complete starvation from light. Maybe he was living with a mindset of what was wrong, without seeing what was actually right. Maybe he was...maybe the Jedi were not what was right. Maybe the Sith weren't either.

And a mighty Sith he was. I mighty Sith he is.

 _Was._

His mind clenched into a fist at that horrid sound, whispering to him, causing him further pain. How dare the light do such a thing! _Get out, get out, get out!_

 _ **Obi Wan was talking, about what Anakin didn't know. All he could see, all he could feel, was the blistering flame that was caught on his leg. Besides, Obi Wan's words meant nothing to him.**_

The dark, evil, heartless, deadly, destructive, hateful, vengeful, lonely, grieving, saddened, miserable, cold, depressed, oppressed, suicidal, freezing, lonely, sad, lonely, miserable, lonely...alone, Lord of the Sith, lay weeping in the night.

 _Breathe, Anakin. The truth will set you free._

The name made Vader sick. He wanted to rip it to shreds and say, "That man is dead. He was burned alive, remember?"

 _Live._

"No!" Vader said in a demanding voice. "Leave me alone!"

 _But…_

"Leave me!"

 _Your wife has forgiven you. So has your master. Why can't you forgive yourself? Leave all you have behind and go home._

"I have no home! She's dead!"

 _But he isn't._

"I don't want to see him! I hate him!"

The force sighed, but its patience wasn't lost. _He can help you._

"He won't. He hates me just as much!"

 _ **Due to his pain, his eyes were blinded by the tears on his master's face. And due to his screams, he couldn't hear the words his master spoke. "You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. Bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness." All Anakin could do was close his master off, falling into a spiral of pain and suffering. "You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you."**_

As if it were only yesterday, Vader saw it clearly in his mind, and for once he could hear the words he was once too distracted to hear. And for a moment, he felt his heart swell with bitterness, toward the fire that kept him from his master's words. _Oh, force…_

 _You will only have so many chances_ , the light whispered.

The pain in Vader's heart ceased its pressure and he looked around, hatred filling his eyes. "I never asked for a chance."

 _But don't you want one?_

Vader knew what would happen if he took it. He knew his life wouldn't last for long. He had nothing to live for after all. He would go mad in his own remorse, murdering himself on repeat, until for once he would succeed.

But was that not better for the galaxy?

"No," the Sith said finally. "I don't want a chance. I just want to die."

 **I know this chapter is kind of a filler chapter, but I promise the next one will have a lot more action. The plot of the story will move from just journal entries, flashbacks, and Vader's thoughts. From next chapter on, there will be a lot more action and dialogue. I really hope you like it.**

 **The lyrics are from** ** _Circle_** **by flyleaf.**

 **I really appreciate your reviews and follows. You are all so amazing. Love you,**

 **Jenna**


	10. Chapter 9

**Nine**

 _I'll wait as long as it takes_

 _For you to find grace_

 _It's been here all along_

Darth Vader fell into another fitful sleep, having visions of the past and words he swore to forget. His chest heaved in the overwhelming ache that stayed there, picking at his heart, ripping it into shreds. He felt as if a weight was put on his chest, just as he always did, and he didn't bother to try to remove it.

 _ **You were my brother**_ **,** came a broken soul in the night. Vader only clutched his head, willing himself to dream better dreams. _**I loved you.**_

All he wanted was the numb covering of the darkness. Why couldn't it be that way again?

 _ **You are strong and wise, Anakin. And you have become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be…**_

Obi Wan believed he was strong. Strong and wise. Vader slammed his head back against his chair, pushing away the many thoughts that lived behind his eyes.

 _I will not fight Anakin_...came one more, one that Vader hadn't been present for. And then came his angel's voice. _There's good in him, I know. I know there is still…_

 _How?_ His empty voice echoed in his heart. _How could she see me that way after all...after all that I did? After all that I was? With all that I wasn't? How could she believe in someone like me, when I can't even believe I have a reason to exist?_

 _Because you do have a reason to exist._ The light rushed to his side, kissing away at his temple, leaving silent promises of holding back the bad dreams. Vader felt his resolve slipping, closing his eyes as nausea filled his throat and chest. His mind warned him of what would happen if he were to try and aim for the light's makeshift promises. They wouldn't work! He'd die trying! If he were to let the light hold him, he would finally see! And he didn't want to see. He would go mad.

 _ **Come away with me, leave everything behind while we still can.**_

The Sith Lord closed his eyes tighter, choking back a sob. _I can't hold it_ , he apologized to the darkness. _Help me hold it._

But the darkness didn't come. Even in his despair, he found only light in his mind. In his soul. He shivered violently, realizing what had happened. He hadn't accepted the light, but he also didn't push it away. The darkness feared the light, and clearly, it was shrinking away. Vader almost laughed at the dark, mocking its cowardliness.

But then he realized that he belonged to that same cowardliness. The dark wasn't holding him, but his fear held him back from the warm light as well. He was nowhere to be found.

"Are my even a Sith?" he asked out loud.

 _You are only a man._

Vader's breath hitched and the remaining pieces of his limbs covered in goosebumps, and he felt the pit inside of him yelling in despair. He wanted to scream until all the darkness was out, but his throat was closing up and he could hardly breathe.

 _I'm NO man_ , came his throaty cry. _I'm only a machine._

 _Machines don't have souls._

 _And I don't either._

The light tentatively held Vader's hand, caressing his mechanical palms until they felt like fire. Good fire.

 _If you had no soul, you wouldn't be trying to save it._

Vader looked down at his large boots, feeling as if he was too small for his own armor. He felt smaller than his body. Smaller than his heart. In his smallness, he hadn't realized he was even aiming for peace. _I don't have a purpose, I've never tried at all. I'm not trying to save my soul, I'm trying to die._

 _You know there is hope, you just don't know where it is yet._

The man reached out, searching each compartment of his brain, holding his thoughts in a fist, begging for the answer he was searching for. _What hope? No hope! No hope!_

 _You don't know where it is yet_ , the light said again. _And you won't until you find it._

 _But hope is so far away_ , his mind went on. How could hope exist in this madness? The galaxy was crumbling due to the earthquake that he started in his emerging blackness, and now the spiral that was twisting over the lives of many resounded like a drill in the center of Vader's chest.

 _Broken, yes. But all broken things can be rebuilt. Even souls._

 _Teach me_ …he asked finally. _Teach me to live._

 _Then follow._

Vader looked toward the door, catching something before his eyes as if he was seeing a trail of fireflies. But they held a bluish color and they waited patiently for the lost one to follow. He had to blink sometimes to see them. It hurt his forehead to focus on them and his lack of humanity made him want to vomit.

 _Follow_...the kind voice whispered and he did as he was asked.

Now Vader sat in the cockpit of his shuttle, eyes shut tightly, and his heart beating loudly on his sleeve. When he closed his eyes, the images blurred around him, like a kaleidoscope of memories. _Roses, Padme, fire, the twin suns, smiling children, true joy, waterfalls…_

His heart collided with these images, and he looked to the light and said softly, "I won't run anymore."

The light side of the force danced in delight around him, covering him with a warmth that he had waited to embrace him again.

* * *

 _Remember that rose plant? The one with the pretty petals and thorns? The one I keep at my wife's house?_

 _I will start by expressing the deep gratitude I have for its lively color, hugged by dark green stems and placed in a wooden pot. Even though I feel fruitless as my little strength fades away, that stupid plant sways happily as if mocking me, saying, "Look, I'm growing! Look, I'm strong." And I hate that plant. Every time I touch it, it's outstretched arms never fail to puncture me._

 _And then Padme cares for the same plant and it's as if the plant has poured its sweet fragrance on my wife, and she is just as beautiful, if not more. She doesn't draw blood. She simply waters the friendly nature, speaks kind words of encouragement, saying "Grow strong." And it does, without question._

 _All of this gets me thinking about me. And Padme. And what we are to each other._

 _Padme is everything that I am not. She is a candle in the dark and the reason in the reasonless. Her touch makes the sand storm of my heart run wild, and the part of me that has freedom gets a small chance to grow. Her words pour out strength into my mind and my heart, and my lungs. And her lips say nothing less than, "My beautiful one," and "You are a hero, whether you believe it or not."_

 _But then I wonder about the effect I have on her. Do I draw blood? Do I cause an infinite drought in her soul? Am I harming her?_

 _Padme is an angelic being, and I...I don't bear the righteousness to touch her hands. To kiss her deeply. To be her husband. I will never be enough for her. But yet, she doesn't say so, and she hasn't asked me to leave._

 _I know this isn't healthy, wondering where I stand. But I'm gone for so long sometimes, and I fear...what might happen if she were to find someone good and pure. If she were to find someone just like her-_

 _perfect._

 _Truly, I know she isn't perfect. I've seen her uptightness. I've seen her frustration. But they all come from this blazing heart of gold. And then I have my frustrations, and I am so mentally unstable that I don't know where my burdens even begin._

 _Last night was one of the first times in a long time I felt loved. I had the chance to go home to my heart and my broken wings found a bit of strong wind to fly again. So why do I feel this way?_

 _I need help. I need someone's help._

 _But who? Who will help me?_

* * *

Two orange suns set into the oblivion of the planet's surface, reflecting a warm glow on every turned eye and each stark structure. The sand looks like fire, the Jedi observed, pulling his brown cloak over his eyes to protect himself from the bright light of the suns.

It had become a daily occasion to watch the sun rise and set. His mind would drift to many far away places, many times in the past of laughing and adventure. His mind wondered what it was like growing up for Anakin, on this oppressing planet, slavery and all. His heart ached for the ones who still lived this way and he mentally cursed at himself for doing little to stop it, even now.

But Obi Wan knew he couldn't get involved. He didn't have the resources to fund the freeing of slaves and any violence would likely result in the Sith uncovering his whereabouts. Obi Wan refused to think about what would happen if he was found by the Sith, especially Vader. If the Sith Lord wanted to kill him, then so be it. His purpose wasn't to destroy the Sith, for he couldn't do that even if he tried his hardest. His purpose was to protect the boy and pray the force would allow him to train, and then put an end to the blazing tyranny and oppression.

Letting his mind flow deeper, Obi Wan found an odd speck of light out in space, a compromised being, yet he tried to ignore it. These feelings often left him disappointed, realizing that there were many good people in the galaxy...and Anakin would never be one of them again.

If only…

No, this was the light side. The force. Obi Wan breathed in deeper, trying to locate the passing sunbeam. To his horror and satisfaction, he felt the life force approaching him, as if they could recognize him. The Jedi could only hope that that the kind light had good intentions.

Obi Wan shrugged, pulling away from his focus, putting his things back into his satchel.

The words from Anakin's journal met his heart as he placed the leather object into the bag. _I need help. I need someone's help._

 _You did, and I'm so sorry._

Obi Wan briefly remembered a memory he had of several weeks back when he passed subtly through Mos Eisley. Tatooine has its beautiful features, such as its suns and its bright blue sky. But it didn't pass much farther than that. The planet was scattered with poverty, pain filled eyes walked the streets, and broken hearts sat in every corner.

Obi Wan recalled one lone twi'lek, sitting quietly on the side of the road, with eyes filled with tears. Her clothes were torn apart and her eyes betrayed the image she portrayed. She was a prostitute, clearly. But she had her arms wrapped around her body, trying to keep watchful eyes from catching sight of her. Her efforts failed, but Obi Wan's heart was saddened by this image.

But he kept walking past, accepting that this was the way. There was nothing he could do about it.

 _Why do I always fail to act when I'm needed the most?_

 _Because you're blind master! You can't even live because all you can see is your stupid code!_

The Jedi nodded at the memory, knowing his padawan was right.

Enough was enough. His remorse would get him nowhere. All it would do was keep his walls around him and shut out every broken soul on the planet and keep him in a place more broken than all. He needed to be free!

The light streamed closer to the planet's surface, Obi Wan realized. The darkness was lessening. He breathed in deeply, taking in the presence of the newcomer, but he couldn't grasp it. It was as if nobody was supposed to feel that light. Nobody was supposed to know that light existed.

Of course, they were hiding. No wise soul would let the light scream out from the inside of them, breaking through the darkness of each imperial troop. But this was off...this was strange. He couldn't grasp the being. It was like the being knew this and took pride in catching the older Jedi off guard.

Turning on his heel, he headed toward his new home as he did every night. But he knew that sleep wouldn't come easy with this nagging in the back of his brain, saying "Listen."

* * *

" _You never listen, Anakin."_

 _I was so angry that I could feel my face growing scarlet at the mere glance of his eyes. My sight seemed to have a red filter to it and my brain was working in painful circles. I never listen?_

 _All I do is listen._

" _Me?" came my sarcastic response, filled with bitterness and a grudge that hadn't fully faded. "Well, what about you, huh? Do you always listen? Sure, maybe you listen to orders...but do you listen to yourself? You're a broken record. Your words mean nothing eventually. The things you talk about mean nothing."_

 _My master looked at me as if puzzled. Surprised even. I had no such response to his reaction. Only a deep planted anger that I hadn't realized was there._

" _This is exactly what I'm talking about, Anakin. You have such a temper! Someday you're going to be in grave trouble for it!"_

 _Someday._

 _My mother's cold body seems to seep into my brain whenever my temper is mentioned. And then I relive each man's death and I have to snap myself out of my trance and focus on the topic at hand._

" _I don't have a temper! You're just wearing out my patience!" My response couldn't have been much worse as I screamed, face red and all._

" _Your patience!?"_

 _At this point I was no longer in the room, no longer facing my master. Over and over, I can't stop asking myself, why? Why did I react in such a way? I have no reason. Why did I snap? Obi Wan would often point out my flaws and I would mostly respond in a civilized manner. But today…_

 _Today is different. Obi Wan doesn't understand. It's my anniversary and I can't even see my wife. I can't even feel her. She's so far away and I can't…_

 _I can't be there._

 _I don't need to listen right now, Obi Wan does. All he has to do is hear the tone in my voice or the way it cracks every time I'm lost in thought. I feel terrible inside, and yet I don't understand why. I will see Padme soon. Soon. Oh, force, I hope so._

 _Obi Wan needs to let me be. Obi Wan needs to listen._

* * *

A warm, loving light remained in the cockpit of Vader's shuttle, hugging his arms with gold and holding his damaged heart with warm fingers. The voice never wavered as Vader's pain pushed through, and the light successfully fought off each vile demon that tried to pull Vader's mind away.

Vader felt different for sure. Not new, but different. It wasn't like he was a Sith of any kind, and it wasn't like he was a Jedi either. No. This time he felt like he had just emerged from a creek of refreshing waters or returned from soaring harmlessly through a cluster of stars. His heart was as heavy as a brick, but at least he felt as if he wasn't holding onto it alone.

 _Who are you?_ Vader asked the voice in curiosity. His instincts told him that he wasn't simply talking to the force. It could never be as simple as that.

 _Who are_ _ **you**_ _?_ The voice returned, a humorous edge to it. To Vader's disbelief, he felt no sense of anger at the Voice's remark. In fact, he almost laughed. Oh...what a beautiful feeling to want to laugh.

 _Me_ , he whispered mentally, letting his ship sit in the midst of space. _I am...I am a…_

 _Not what. Who?_

"Who?" He echoed back, out loud. He stayed silent, contemplating it himself. Who was he, in reality? Was he anything more than a Sith apprentice?

 _But you aren't a Sith Apprentice._

 _Aren't I?_

The light rested like mist on his shoulders, massaging his strong muscles and sending waves of color through his system. And his eyes went wide, for the first time in forever, seeing blues and yellows.

 _It's okay to be clueless._

Vader did laugh this time, for a brief moment.

 _Then I guess I'm okay_ , he told the light.

Though he couldn't see the light, he knew its carrier was nodding. He knew its carrier so well. It was as if…

 _Are you Padme?_ He asked the light, careful not to let his voice break.

The light was silent for a moment, quietly swarming around him like a tornado, leaving sweet flavors in the air and kissing his cheeks with unfamiliar warmth.

 _Good observation, but no. I'm close, though._

Vader could almost hear the soft purr of her laugh. His disappointment was not hidden. Who could ever be 'close' to Padme? Padme was everything. Nothing could compare.

'Close' grew a new meaning as he approached the dreaded planet, wondering why the light had led him to such an unpleasant place.

What if the close they spoke of was not only in a matter of saying that his guess was almost right, but rather in comparison to distance. Maybe his answer would be found on Tatooine.

 _You already know the answer, deep inside._

Vader shook his head, looking down at his lap. He decided to change the subject. _Why Tatooine?_

 _Healing._

 _No. Tatooine doesn't heal. It opens up new wounds._

 _To close a wound, you must go to where it was opened._

 _NO._

 _A part of me awaits you below. Walk among the sands and find true joy._

 _Nononononononono…_

 _Joy..._

* * *

Obi Wan Kenobi followed his inner voice, and he listened intently, trying to picture what was on the other end of a golden ribbon that had just found its way invisible in the clouds. It stretched from the surface of the planet, all the way up to the skies. It was a link, from one heart to its other.

 _Listen_ , the force told him. _Listen carefully_.

His innermost thoughts became clouded with sounds. Sounds of the good, sounds of the evil.

The business of Coruscant, a drilling sound, a shattered heart breaking into pieces, a deep breath, a furious "No," a heartbroken sigh, a ship's buzz, the sound of pure love, the sound of pure hatred. His insides turned as something became clear, that still, he could not grasp. The twin sun's met the in corner of his eye, and his thoughts fell to Luke and Leia and he wondered how long they must be apart. Obi Wan could hear the tug of the golden ribbons, and he could see with his own eyes, as if real, as they fell down, circling around each other, due to the nearness of its approaching heart.

 _He's my master_ , came a young voice, that he knew all too well. _I love him like a father, like a brother. I'd like to tell him, but I don't know how he'd react. He deserves so much and I have so little to give him. But the thing is, I don't know how to give him the one thing he wants. He only wants my obedience. But that's hard. The only thing I know to give is love._

Obi Wan's heart shattered, in a relieved spirit as he looked up to the sky, sensing immediately who was coming his way, and he wondered if this intruder even knew who he was coming to. For the first time since Mustafar, Obi Wan grew hopeful.

* * *

 **So that's that! I know it's really long in comparison to my previous chapters, but I won't be updating for a week so I hope it satisfies. I know it isn't the nicest place to make you wait though. I'm super, super excited to post this though. I hope you'll leave comments and reviews.**

 **Again, the lyrics are from Rest by Nevertheless.**

 **I'm not sure what else there is to say but hope to hear from you all next weekend. Love ya,**

 **Jenna**


	11. Chapter 10

**Ten**

 _I left her arms empty and tied_

 _Outstretched for me until she died_

 _Left her arms empty and tied_

 _Outstretched for me until she died_

* * *

He stood in a place that looked utterly putrid, even more with the scarlet filters of his suffocating mask. For so long he had relied on the object for life support, but each day he went on, and especially now, he felt like it actually prevented air from reaching his lungs. Now, even with his mask, he felt like the sand was everywhere. In his eyes. In his lungs. In his soul.

His soul.

 _I don't understand._

He was positive he felt the breath of a warm smile on his cheeks. _It's okay. You don't have to._

 _What is this?_ He asked. _Why are my following you? Where is this leading?_

A soft wind pressed against his eyes as if shattering the red filters over them, and for a moment he could see. Not just physically, but truly be rid of blindness. He could see exactly who he was and he was overcome by the feeling of nausea and he lost balance. On his hands and knees, he breathed deeply when the light answered.

 _Redemption._

He felt as if any remaining air in his lungs completely dissipated, sweeping over him like a violent wind. He now lay face first in the sand, his body trembling. Something was truly wrong. His mask was not working properly at all. The air supply was running out.

 _Redemption. Is that what this was?_ In Vader's eyes, he saw this whole ordeal as a terrible sin. As a hopeless addiction that he couldn't contain any longer. This was not what he considered to be good. This was not him making amends for his crimes, it was meeting face to face with something that made him feel better. That's all.

 _This is not about feelings, Anakin._

He flinched, hating his old name intensely. And for a second, he almost cut off the link he had made. His mind was so cold that he couldn't see that the light was good. All he could see was a sin. Just as the dark side had been during his time in the light.

 _Open your eyes._

Vader flinched again, easing his body and looking up at the sky.

 _It's okay. It's okay to admit you're scared._

"I'm not scared!" he barked viciously, pulling himself to his feet. The light didn't leave him in the slightest.

 _You have seen the effects of your own actions, Anakin. You have seen what a drastic change in your soul can do._

 _I don't want to hurt anyon_ e, came an honest reply. One he nearly choked on.

 _Look at the sky._

Vader turned his head slightly, feeling the weight dissipate with the hands of this angel.

 _What happens on Tatooine, at night?_

Memories swarmed in Vader's brain, and he almost fell to his knees again. But he swallowed, urging his words forth. _The sand people come out. The Suns set. All hell breaks loose._

 _What do the sand people do?_

Vader's silence didn't go unnoticed. If the light was a person in front of him, it may not have been as fortunate.

 _They kill_ , a stark reply spat out, with a few small strands of the dark side weaving around in his blazing eyes.

 _What happens in the morning, Anakin. When the sun comes back out?_

Vader breathed, _peace._

 _Yes, try to understand. Evil cannot lurk in the good. Hatred can not be found in love. Every evil deed committed by man has never been in love. Perhaps it started that way, but hatred was the focal point in the end. Darkness brings out our demons, our killers, and our pain. Light brings out peace. I know you have your fears. You fear the remorse. You fear that the light will hurt you just as much as the dark. But have faith, dear. Light is love. Love is what gave you your wife and your family. Love is what kept you with the Jedi for so long. Love is what keeps away the pain that you should be feeling now._

Vader looked toward the setting suns, gaining chills on his arms. He was surprised to find himself at peace again, as he was on his way to this dreadful planet.

 _An old friend awaits you. It will be painful, I promise. But you will leave in peace._

Vader swallowed, wanting to protest. But the addiction was too strong. The light was too beautiful to let go of. _Okay._

 _I will be there too, I always am._

* * *

 _I apologize for my lack of writing. So much has happened lately, and it's been months since I've even glanced at this journal's direction. Maybe that's why I feel so poor. I have no release. I have no place to vent._

 _I feel like the galaxy is personally eliminating everything I hold dear, as to narrow my view on life. First I lose Ahsoka and soon my angel. And our own angel, my child. I can hardly breathe tonight as I write this. Today was such a good day. Until an hour ago when I woke up screaming and crying, denying myself to believe my visions could ever come true._

 _I guess I should write out an overview of everything that has happened since I last wrote, which is a lot…_

 _The council that I didn't trust decided to return the favor, in not trusting me or my padawan. My innocent Ahsoka was accused of something so terrible, so horrendous...that I don't know how any sane person could believe she would do it. Sure, maybe some of the council members. But Yoda?! Plo Koon?! Obi Wan?! We're Jedi for crying out loud! We can read each other's minds if we want! Ahsoka had nothing to hide! Ahsoka was so obviously sincere, anyone without the force should be able to see this. But apparently not. Powerful Jedi seem to be incapable of seeing the truth. My anger at them knows no end._

 _I worked for days trying to prove her innocence. Until I did. I had all the proof I needed, and finally, they believed she was innocent too. But it was too late for her. The Jedi were her family. She grew up in the Jedi order and trusted them with her life, but the second she looked bad, they backed away from her and abandoned her. And she simply couldn't return to that._

 _I was tempted to follow her._

 _She took my sanity with her, no doubt. I felt as if a huge part of myself walked away from the order that day. A huge part of myself isn't even a part of it now. I can't get her image out my mind. Her tear streaked face and her words. Her words that made PERFECT sense._

 _Sometime later, months upon months, I finally get to see my wife again. I had been away for so long, the longing in my heart could be clearly seen on my face. I suppose Obi Wan didn't hear my weeping during this long amount of time. I thank the force for that. But now I am home and I should be happy._

 _I was happy. So very, very happy._

 _Padme told me she was pregnant and I was ecstatic. I still am. I thought it was a blessing, given to me in exchange for the loss I had with Ahsoka. The girl was like a sister to me. Like a daughter to me. And though I can't get her back, at least maybe I can have a daughter of my own. My happiness seemed like it would go on forever. I've never smiled so much since my wedding day._

 _But then the nightmares came. Like the ones I used to have about my mother, just before she died. And they were about my wife, and our little angel she is carrying. I feel as if my body is being ripped to shreds. As if life itself is laughing at me saying "Ha! How could you believe things were looking up? You aren't meant to be happy. Don't ever expect it!"_

 _I stayed calm when I told Padme about it. But now I'm alone in this room and I feel like nothing matters at all. I've been sobbing for hours, I can't even see. The entryway to our room is just a blurry image and I feel as shaky as that image. I feel utterly sick, wasted, empty, forgotten, lost…_

I am lost.

 _I've been lost for a long time. At least now I know never to expect good. Good will NEVER come._

* * *

"I'm worried about her, Bail. She doesn't sleep anymore."

Breha Organa stood over her year old daughter's crib, looking down at the child before her. The baby looked exhausted, beyond normalcy. Her eyes were aged as if she had witnessed such terrible devastation. Her brown eyes glistened as she silently looked up at her mother as if they were filled with tears.

"I know," he whispered softly, feeling a pang in his heart for his daughter.

"She looks beyond her years. She doesn't look like a toddler."

Bail took a closer look at the child, studying the soft smile that played on her lips, hidden behind glittery eyes that seemed far too dark. "Her eyes remind me too much of Padme's when I last saw her."

Breha nodded, looking away. "What are we to do?"

Her husband looked at her carefully, a look of confusion spreading across his features. "What do you mean?"

"Bail, the child is not well. She wakes up screaming nearly every night-"

"She's a baby."

"And sometimes she doesn't even acknowledge that I'm talking to her. For minutes at a time, she stares into space as if she's not even in the same room as me."

Bail sighed, looking at his wife affectionately. Her love for Leia was unmistakable.

"I think it's a Force thing," she added finally, before sitting down next to Leia's crib, looking tired.

Bail came closer to her, wrapping his arm around her. "Alright, I understand. Let's give it some time, and if you still have some concerns, we'll contact Kenobi, alright?"

She nodded silently, before placing a hand on the child's face. Looking at his daughter, Bail began to realize that there was something strange about his daughter. She didn't even acknowledge her mother's hands on her face. Her eyes were pointed to the ceiling, and a sad smile graced her lips.

* * *

As Vader trudged through the sands of Tatooine, he felt revised oddly. He wasn't truly happy. That at least was for certain, but things seemed to grow more right with each step.

A part of the Sith knew what was coming. He knew who would be at the end of this journey. But his mind was a muddle of emotions, and his thoughts were too incoherent to point out a name.

He found himself remembering bits and pieces of the past. Some made him smile softly and others made him feel lightheaded and dizzy. Others made him want to die.

Against his will, he saw his angel. The life given to her, slipping through his hands _._ Shards of glass seemed to pick at his mind and he felt the weight that was on his chest earlier grow larger. The soft voice of the light seemed to grow quiet, but Vader knew it hadn't left.

He had one conclusion that his mind could make out from all of this. When he would give into the darkness, the light would fight for him. It would stand behind him, gently begging him to listen to his conscience. When he would lean more toward the light, the darkness would back away, and then abandon him. He felt sick at the thought. He had believed the dark meant bravery. But no! The darkness was the easy way out! The darkness was a coward because it was aware that it didn't have a chance with the light.

 _Why didn't I listen on Mustafar?!_

Padme's pleading played around in his mind like a ballad, saying "Come away with me, come away with me." The sound was pleasing and so all he could say was, _yes. YES!_

 _But Padme was dead. Forever, dead._

 _There is no death, there is the force._

Vader felt angry for a moment. For that second, the kind voice of the force sounded like Yoda and he felt like he was being condemned. So he lashed out.

"No! You know nothing!" he yelled out loud. "Nothing at all!"

The voice didn't shrink back. It came closer as if needing his affection. _I'm sorry, I love you._

 _The light itself loves_ _ **me**_ _?_

He glanced at the suns, for a moment he thought he saw a smile form on its surface, but just as quick it was gone.

The light held him tight as if trying to squeeze the rage out of him for good.

 _Come away with me, leave everything behind...while we still can!_

 _While we still can._

 _While we still can._

 _ **While we still can.**_

 _Light?_ He asked.

 _I'm sorry,_ it told him. _She really is gone._

Vader began to panic. This was something he already knew, but he felt as if his entire structure was about to fall to pieces. His armor. His body. His soul. He felt as if life was nothing more than an accident for him. All he ever did was make accidents, and these accidents resulted in deep anguish. NO, not accidence. Everything he did was…

ON PURPOSE.

 _I have no family._

 _ **That is a lie.**_

Vader shook his head in defeat.

 _What about you brother? And your stepfather and stepbrother?_

 _They don't love me._

 _Well, what about me?_

Vader closed his eyes, trying to hold back the tears. _I betrayed her. I betrayed her. I betrayed her_. It was all he could think about. _She wanted me. She knew what I did, and she wanted me. She was willing to go on with me. She was willing to love ME._

 _And what did I do? I KILLED HER._

The light seemed to be upset. _You didn't kill her. Your master did._

 _THAT'S A LIE!_

 _I don't lie._

Vader didn't have to think it through. Palpatine was definitely capable of it. He would definitely do that. He knew it was the truth.

Darkness surged through him and he wanted revenge.

 _Do you love me?_ The light interrupted him gently, brushing warm hands across his shoulders.

Vader sighed lightly, trying to keep his chest from bursting open. _Whoever you are, yes. Yes, I love you. You should go before I kill you._

 _I trust you._

 _I left her. I'll leave you too._

The quiet voice sighed in satisfaction for some reason. _This is how I know you won't. If you were making promises I would be worried. But I love you and I trust you._

 _Who are you? Do I know you? Or_ _ **did**_ _I know you?_ His word stretched back to another time, far back in a place where love existed. In a place far back where goodness was found.

The light seemed to laugh. _I'll give you a clue._

Vader shook his head, grunting.

 _You think I'm dead, but I guarantee, I am not._

And with that, the light was done talking. It was then that Vader looked up to where he was standing. He shook slightly, wobbling to the side and gasping internally. It was a man who stood before him as if expecting him, and…

Holding out his hand to him.

His first thought about the image in front of him concerned the way the man had aged in one short year. It was as if ten years had gone by. For a moment, Vader felt immense pain when he remembered the cause.

"You shouldn't be out in the dark," came a grim voice, his cloak swarming around him in the hot wind.

Vader didn't know how to do anything but follow the man, who he hated deeply, into Kenobi's house. With each passing step, his hatred swelled up and his grip on his weapon grew tighter.

 **Hello, here is chapter 10! I'm going to post chapter 11 this weekend too so look out for that. I felt bad leaving you with just this chapter since the chapter doesn't actually have much action. I'm kind of obsessed with just writing thoughts and feelings, but I prefer to read the dialogue. So I PROMISE, the next chapter will have lots of it.**

 **The lyrics, in the beginning, are from** ** _Circle_** **by Flyleaf. (Gender swapped)**

 **I'd love to see some reviews. Feel free to ask questions. I'm willing to give awfully vague answers.**

 **Love you lots,**

 **Jenna**


	12. Chapter 11

**Eleven**

 _Here I am alive_

 _And I don't have the right_

Obi Wan's house was small, plain, and exactly what Vader expected it to be. The shelves held little evidence of a residence, and the only indicator was a small bag sitting on the counter and several ripe fruits. Though Vader couldn't smell due to the mask, he was aware of the building's aroma. _It reeks_ , he decided.

The Jedi remained quiet while Vader examined the scenery, wondering what the Sith might look for. Maybe he was here for answers, maybe he was here for him. Whatever it was, Obi Wan actually felt obligated to give it to him. He had done enough to this man and the least he could do was allow his wishes to be granted, just this once.

Obi Wan observed Vader, holding all his thoughts behind a small sigh. He listened to the sound of his breath, and the sound of his heart. Despite what others may see, the two sounds were far from alike. One was due to the machine, another was due to something more. Perhaps his nerves or his feelings. Perhaps it raced because of blazing rage or deep0 sorrow. Obi Wan wasn't fully sure where Vader stood during all of this. Did he feel remorse? Did he even know he was wrong? The way the Sith clutched his weapon in his hand caused Kenobi to believe otherwise.

"Why Tatooine?" came a stark noise. The first noise made since Obi Wan has allowed the dark one's entrance.

Obi Wan looked at the black sockets of eyes before him, holding in the scream that he wanted to release, remembering the bright blue eyes of a young optimist.

He looked up, realizing that Vader hadn't moved an inch. And he wouldn't. Not until he got a steady reply.

"I needed answers," he finally said. "This place is where it all began."

"No!" came a second, metallic snarl. "This is where it all ended."

Kenobi was confused for a moment, but then he remembered his young apprentice's heartbreaking words.

 _The Tuskens don't have souls. Any person who kills another without good reason is soulless, and how could anybody ever love a murderer?_

 _How could anyone love me?_

"Oh." he whispered, almost silently.

"You're lying."

Obi Wan flinched, realizing that even in the great amounts of loss Vader received, he still hadn't lost his ability to read Kenobi. Obi Wan would sometimes focus so much on Vader that he would forget that he was still Anakin.

 _What do you mean?_ He almost said it aloud, but then he realized what would happen. Obi Wan couldn't tell Vader why he was on Tatooine, no matter how conflicted he was, that didn't make him any less of a Sith.

Obi Wan, however, could not deny the radiation of light that sparkled in Vader. It was with him. If only he could learn to forgive. Obi Wan wanted to tell him the truth, but he still wasn't sure it was safe. In fact, he was at least 90% sure it wasn't.

"I want to help," he finally said, worrying that he was making a terrible mistake by avoiding Vader's question. Time seemed to have escaped them since the question was asked and Kenobi was hoping Vader would simply drop it.

That was a mistake.

"What?" the machine hissed. "What do you mean by that?" The figure stepped forward, drawing out a long, scarlet blade, and pointing it with a steel grip at his throat. "You don't mean what you say."

"I do! I do! I promise!" Obi Wan said, filled with more passion than he had ever released upon any person. Vader didn't seem to notice.

"No, you don't! Why would you invite me into your house? Why would you do that?!"

Obi Wan couldn't decide if Vader's words were being said in hatred or shock. Either way, he could tell he was only making things worse.

"Look, Vader. Please just let me apologize!"

"Apologize?!" The Sith went again with his angry-surprise. The blade was drawing closer, but Obi Wan didn't move a muscle.

Tears swarmed in the Jedi's bluish-green eyes. He looked down defeated. "I know you won't believe it. But I can't avoid this. I was wrong in the ways I taught you. I couldn't be what you needed and I'm sorry!"

Two red filters stared at him. No voice was produced. Obi Wan didn't feel like he was with anything more than a droid, at least in his physical senses.

But when he reached into what was beyond, he found something easily missed. Wind. Violent, passionate wind. It felt like a deep hatred, so powerful it could burn down entire forests with one huff of power. So strong it could rip souls into pieces and then reassemble them into metal gates that only the same amount of power in opposite form could destroy. Only through love. Obi Wan's chest relaxed when he felt more wind. It was violent, but not hateful. It took shining stars and made them shine brighter. It took infants in strong hands and walked little girls down aisles. It was a man with his little boy playing with model x-wings and racing through fields of bright, yellow flowers.

It was there. He had a father's heart that didn't know how to be released. Obi Wan supposed Vader didn't realize that it still could.

"Anakin-"

"No!"

"Anakin, listen to me. I do want to help you. Stop blaming me for saying this. Why did you come here?"

Despite the hum of Vader's lightsaber and his deep breathing, the room grew silent. Too silent. But voices were screaming. Hundreds. Thousands. Obi Wan wasn't sure if they were coming from him or the Sith. Having enough, Obi Wan decided to speak up.

"You came here for a reason. Why?"

"I don't know," Vader seemed to mumble. "Why did you invite me in?"

Obi Wan sighed, relieved that the Sith had moved his weapon back slightly. He now had a new amount of space that gave him a certain degree of security. What didn't give him security was Vader's question. It hit him like a ton of bricks. But he knew the answer loud and clear. "If killing me will relieve your pain, I will allow it."

"I think it would." Kenobi's opponent came back with a quick reply, but his weapon seemed to be trembling. When Obi Wan looked up, he realized that Vader was trembling too. "I know you don't really understand. But you're right, I have to do this."

Obi Wan nodded, not shrinking back from the blade. "If it will satisfy your heart, then so be it."

* * *

 _I guess I have a choice to make. One that I know has no right answer. Either direction I go, somebody will die. Either direction I go, somebody will live. And now it is all in my shaky hands. Mine! I should be thinking about the later part of this obvious solution. Or the requirements of being the sworn enemy of my own kind. Or Obi Wan's kind. I should see what will have to be done to achieve my prize, but all I can see is the prize. Padme._

 _Palpatine knows how to save her._

 _Palpatine knows how to save her._

 _Palpatine knows how to save her._

 _I don't, but he does. And he will. Because he is my friend._

 _A part of me is screaming "TRAP!"_

 _Another is screaming of the freedom I will have. No rules. Just me. Power. Padme. And a family. What could go wrong?_

 _It's a trap, though. Any fool could see that._

 _Is it really?_

 _Palpatine said he could influence the midichlorians that create life and somehow use them to cheat death. I believe him fully, but I feel so betrayed. How could I not see who and what he is?_

 _But he's my friend and he wants to help me. And he will._

 _I wish I could think through this better. But I feel Padme. I feel her slow death. She is not going to die because of me! She is not going to die because I don't do anything at all!_

* * *

"So what?!" Vader snarled. "You're just gonna stand there as some pathetic sacrifice. Why didn't you try this years ago?"

"I-I was a fool."

Vader merely nodded, bringing his shaky blade forth. "Today you will die, Obi Wan. Today I will finally get my revenge. You took everything from me, and I can not go on with the pain you have caused me."

 _Let him help you._

 _No._

Vader raised his arm up, ready to slice that traitor to bits. But then…

Terrible pain filled his entire body, and he shrunk back in pain, dropping the lightsaber on the floor as he fell back. His blood seemed to turn to fire and his skin felt as cold as ice.

 _Let him help you_ , the light insisted.

He leaned against the wall of the structure, shakes radiating from his shoulders down to his stomach, and his legs felt as thin as twigs. He winced loudly as he shrunk back, sliding down the wall and onto his back, laying down on the floor feeling the smell of death.

Obi Wan stared at him, looking confused. Yet he didn't move.

This was it. This was how the dark side repaid him. _Now you come back like some prodigal? Now you come back? You betrayed me for the foolish light, now you receive my wrath._

But the Sith was unable to hear the darkness. All he could see was Obi Wan.

Vader's eyes filled with bitter tears and for a moment he grew angry. _If you care so much why are you letting me feel this? Why don't you try to help?_ But then Vader glanced up, panting, and he saw Obi Wan's tear filled eyes and he realized something.

Obi Wan was holding him.

* * *

 _Dear Obi Wan,_

 _I'm going to leave this journal here for you. For you to read someday. I know after today we won't be friends anymore. I know what I will do will be too terrible for you to ever see me as your brother again. I just hope you know that I was willing to die for you. I loved you like a brother and father and I wish for you the best. If this dark side I accept changes me, please do everything in your power to bring me back. I only want it for a time, really. I just need to save someone I care about. As dear as you are to me, she matters more. I can't go on without her._

 _I want you to know that I have forgiven you for what happened between us in the past. For the pain that you put me through when I believed you were dead. And for not helping me fight for Ahsoka. It hurts but I'll forgive you for that. I have no right to hold a grudge over you when I will probably end up having to kill you. A part of me hopes you live, though. I want you to have this journal so you understand. If something happens to me, please take care of Padme and our child. I can't deal with them being harmed. They mean far too much. Please don't hate me and try to understand. If you have to kill me, I understand. But before you kill me, please understand this too. Please don't kill me because of the order of the Jedi. Please do it because you think it's right. I don't fear my own death so it won't even hurt. But if you have a soul, don't do that to my wife. Somehow, she loves me._

 _Listen to me when I say this, Obi Wan. You were, are, and always will be a good master. No matter what. No Matter who I become. No Matter who you become. You are good. You are my courage. I guess that's why I have none with you gone. I wasn't meant to be a Jedi and without you here, I am not a Jedi at all. I have no more words that are adequate. I'm sorry, my brother._

 _I love you,_

 _Anakin Skywalker_

* * *

Darth Vader opened up two reddened eyes, feeling like the entire weight of the galaxy lay on top of them. A morning light shined into the corner of them, and it was yellow. Golden. It swirled around in front of his pupils and warmed his bare cheeks until they no longer felt ice cold.

It was then that he realized he wasn't wearing his mask. His eyes shot open and he looked around, afraid to breathe. His body overflowed with panic and he began hyperventilating, but air still came. Brushing his gloved hands over his face, he realized that a clear oxygen mask covered his nose and mouth. He began coughing, trying to rip it off.

"Don't do that." came a stern voice.

Vader looked up, his heart speeding up at the sight of Obi Wan. He couldn't seem to remember how he got here for a moment and his eyes glared viciously at the man. The realization that the man was helping him seemed to pass through his head briefly, but anger swelled stronger. He wasn't. It's a trap.

 _Palpatine was a trap. The dark side was a trap._

Vader grunted, realizing the light wasn't gonna go anywhere.

 _You're right_ , part of his mind whispered. _Obi Wan is a friend._

"Okay," he answered out loud, laying back down. "What happened?" he asked with a hard sigh.

"I don't know. I suppose your suit malfunctioned and without its assistance, you blacked out."

It must have stopped working long before he arrived at Obi Wan's. Vader was thoroughly confused.

 _Why would he save me?_

 _You know._

"Oh."

Obi Wan smiled sadly, trying not to observe Vader's scars. He had done enough of that while the man was sleeping but now he could see his blue eyes and now he could hear his voice. The voice wasn't the same. It was weak and faint and would probably never be restored to its original form.

"Where am I?" he asked, realizing it wasn't Obi Wan's house.

"A friend. A healer."

Vader remained silent, staring at the ceiling.

"Look, I know you want to kill me and all, but there's a lot of things I want to talk to you about."

Somehow that implied to Vader that Obi Wan had something the Vader wanted.

"What?"

"Things that we can talk about at a later time. Right now you need to rest."

 _Rest? I've never rested a day of my life._

Obi Wan seemed to hear his words, to which he smiled softly. "I'll be back."

Vader felt utterly useless, lying in a bed. He wanted to get out and chase after Kenobi. Vader wasn't entirely sure why or what he would do when he got to him. But he didn't like being here. Unfortunately, he couldn't move. His entire body seemed to be completely numb.

Glancing around the room, Vader began shivering. It was such an odd situation. Just days ago he was leading the imperial fleet. Now he lay in some strange place with Obi Wan Kenobi standing in the hallway. The room was small, sandy, and quite small. But he felt safe, warm, and protected even. It was so odd.

 _I don't need to be safe. I don't need to be protected. All I need is myself._

Vader closed his eyes, seeing a small rose plant outside a window. His throat swelled inside, like a balloon, and for a moment he thought he had lost the ability to breathe completely. Someone was gripping his throat, he was sure of it. For a moment he saw the rose plant on Padme's balcony, growing stronger, more beautiful than ever. But then the night would fall and the _vines_ would _choke_ the plant.

 _You're Padme's_ _ **vines**_ , the darkness whispered, breaking through his glass heart.

His inability to breathe only increased.

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done?_

 _What have I done?_

Over and over.

 _You killed her._

 _I'm awful. I'm terrible. I'm a monster._

 _You're an animal._

 _ **You told me to do it!**_

 _And you listened._

Anakin wept, covering his scarred face with a white sheet, sobbing in a way he hadn't in a long time. Not even the day it all happened.

"Why are my alive?" he asked out loud, sounding like death.

 _Because you're inhuman_ , came the darkness.

 _Because you have a_ _ **purpose**_ , said the light.

Anakin only cried harder, leaning to his side and covering his face with two gloved hands. He tried to breathe out, but each time he tried he only felt a wave of disgusting amounts of emotion falling free from his body. Oh, how good it felt. In a terrible sort of way.

Obi Wan sat in the hallway, trying not to listen. But it was hard not to.

"No! No! Let me die! Please just let me die!"

The Jedi looked down at the last page of Anakin's journal, watching as a single tear slid down the lined paper.

 _If this dark side I accept changes me, please do everything in your power to bring me back._

Obi Wan simply nodded.

 _Challenge accepted, brother._

* * *

 **And that marks the end of chapter 11! I was really excited to post this chapter, mainly because it's the first time since Mustafar that Ani and Obi Wan actually get to interact. Let me know if you think anything is too forced or unrealistic. I want to continually improve my writing and your constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Regardless, I appreciate ALL of your comments and love love love when I see them. They inspire me so much and make updating my story so much more of a privilege than anything else. I love you all so much,**

 **Jenna**


	13. Chapter 12

**Twelve**

 _I believe_

 _What if I believe you now?_

 _Could it ever change this heart?_

 _Forgive me, relieve me_

 _And please come back to life_

Obi Wan stood in the doorway of Vader's room, quietly watching his old friend eat his first meal in a year. Over a year. Seeing him this way hurt, burned even. And not just for Vader.

The two of them hadn't talked much. Obi Wan made a goal to simply love his friend and hope that he would eventually get a response. Vader did nothing more than answer Obi Wan's questions. It wasn't nearly what Obi Wan wanted, but it was something. They weren't trying to kill each other and that was a little satisfying.

Vader sat in his bed with a dark blue tray in his hands. He was eating so slowly, clearly savoring every bite, that it has been an hour since it was first taken to him. For a moment, Obi Wan actually thought he caught a smile from the "Sith."

When Vader caught sight of the Jedi, his face straightened, as if he was trying to pretend he didn't notice. Unfortunately, his attempt only clarified that he did. Obi Wan walked in the room and Vader sighed deeply.

"Is it good?"

A pair of pale blue eyes glanced up toward him, looking both confused and annoyed. "Of course it's good, I haven't eaten anything in a year," they seemed to say. Instead, Vader just nodded.

Obi Wan sat down in a chair next to him. Vader sensed his nervousness and was fairly pleased. For a moment. Then he felt like a gaping hole was forming in his chest. _Friend_ , it seemed to say. _This man is your friend._

 _Obi Wan is my friend._

"I'm a bit confused," Vader finally said, laying his tray down next to him.

Obi Wan raised his eyebrows. "About what?"

Vader seemed to laugh. Then he sat up straighter, looking right at Obi Wan. He looked absolutely terrible, Obi Wan observed. He didn't look like he should be living. Who would have thought he would be in such great health? Much better than he had been in for an entire year. Regardless, he looked as white as a ghost.

"Why can I breathe?"

The first thing that came to Obi Wan's mind was the heartbreaking screams the came from Anakin's room in the night. He would say, _Why am I alive? Why am I still breathing? Let me die!_ But no. This wasn't that. This was a legit question. Obi Wan almost smiled.

"A friend of mine thought it would be wise to fix that."

Vader didn't look any less confused. "Okay," he said, looking down. "Care to explain?"

Obi Wan had no idea how to explain.

"This isn't a hospital. It also isn't your house. But it's a house, nonetheless. Right?"

The Jedi nodded.

"Will I ever meet this 'friend' of yours? You act like it's some big secret."

Obi Wan gave a slight smile, amused. He had mentioned his friend maybe once before and Vader was already trying to solve some great mystery. Obi Wan smiled a little bit bigger at the thought of Vader actually figuring it out. It wasn't all that hard but at the same time, it wasn't a logical answer either.

"So it's a secret." he said, more a statement than a question.

Obi Wan nodded.

Vader cracked a slight smile. "I'm going to figure it out."

"I know."

They sat in silence for a minute, soaking in the air. Vader's soul had a faint glow to it. It was odd in a way. It was like he reached the end of a storm. He wasn't one thing. He wasn't kind or aggressive. But he was calm. Or maybe he was just tired. Obi Wan wasn't sure.

Vader for one _was_ tired. That was for sure. He was tired of falling through storms and then coming out half alive. How many times must he see the pain? How many times would he follow the light just to push it back, and then realize all of the terrible things that he did all over again? He couldn't bear it. He just couldn't!

 _Obi Wan is my friend._

 _I am Obi Wan's friend._

"I know you have questions," Vader said, softer than Obi Wan expected. "I have questions too. But can you please...wait. Just a bit. I need-" Vader shook his head as if trying to shake away thoughts. "I can't talk. I can barely think."

Obi Wan nodded, gratefully appreciated Vader's willingness.

 _He cares about me,_ Vader thought, almost dreading its outcome.

Vader. Was he really even Vader?

"What should I call you?" he asked his old friend, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Vader blinked, looking down at his empty tray. He breathed into his fresh lungs. He seemed pleased. He looked up, a small smile playing on his lips. "I don't care what you call me. Anything but Vader."

 _He cares about me._

 _I care about him._

It was safe to say that Obi Wan was utterly shocked. His eyes looked like they were gonna bulge out of his head and his mouth had fallen open. When Vader saw this he simply shrugged.

"You'll let me call you Anakin?"

The younger man swallowed. "Yes."

Obi Wan remained shocked but he seemed to gain some composure. Vader became silent as he drank a glass of water. Obi Wan wanted to hug him. Beg him for forgiveness. Wipe away each tear. But...not yet. Vader. No, Anakin. Anakin wasn't ready. And he wouldn't be for a while. Obi Wan could live with that. Obi Wan would have to.

"Take all the time you need."

 _A little more than a year ago_

Anakin Skywalker gripped the pen in in his hand, breathing deeply with eyes pointed at blazing fire. The fireplace made him nauseous with its heat, yet his bones felt like ice. It was a weird feeling. It was an ominous, terrible, exhausting, gross, dirty, lonely, insidious...gone sort of thing. This was a worthy punishment. It was the price one would pay for being obedient. The council asked him a favor and he felt sick at the thought of it. _So now you ask me to betray? Is that what you really want?_

The Jedi glanced down at the journal entry he just finished. He let the bitter feeling sink in and he closed the book shut. But he didn't forget his own words.

 _The Jedi are excellent teachers. They teach us to betray each other. They betrayed Ahsoka. They got Obi Wan to betray me. And now they ask me to betray one of my friends. Palpatine. I guess this is their apology for leaving me out on their top secret missions. They now give me a chance to betray my friend too, just as Obi Wan did to me. I guess that makes it all better, doesn't it. Hey Anakin, join our little game of betrayal. Maybe we can trust each other for once._

 _I have never trusted them less._

 _Someday they WILL taste betrayal. Then they will spit it out for its sour taste and say, "We don't recognize our sins! We don't recognize that we are just as awful as you! We do not share this." And I will laugh at them. I won't spit out its taste. I'm used to it._

Presently, Anakin stared out the carved out window. Tatooine's warm air sat still, yet he was pleased that for once his face wasn't freezing. It was bare, and he could actually see.

He still couldn't understand that. His lungs, his heart, his eyes...were fine. It couldn't have been surgery. It was too clean. No evidence. Just strong, young lungs. A firmly beating heart. Clear blue eyes. Clear air. Clear skies. He swallowed, gratitude swelling beneath his chest. For who, Anakin wasn't sure. Obi Wan, maybe. Maybe he could even pass on a message. He wouldn't have to wait long anyway, Obi Wan was already on his way.

"Obi Wan?" he asked when he knew he was in the doorway.

"Yes?"

Anakin sighed, facing the Jedi with a soft look. Obi Wan appeared unsettled by this. He always had and always would. "Can I ask you something?"

Obi Wan simply nodded.

"Did you read my journal?" The entire thought of it was unsettling for Anakin. It made him feel sick just thinking about it. Obi Wan would have to know everything if he did. And even though it was meant for him to read, a part of Anakin hoped he didn't read it. Maybe held onto it, read the last page, but didn't read the rest. Another part of him desperately hoped he did. _I'm a mess! I need help! I need someone to understand!_

"I did."

"All of it?" he asked evenly.

Obi Wan nodded, not allowing his eyes to leave Anakin. His former padawan had changed so much in last several days. Not just that, though. He had changed so much in the last couple years. Ever since the Tuskens, he had lost a large amount of his pride. Now he wanted to die. He made that clear several times. It burned in Obi Wan's heart every time he looked at him. It made him sick. It made him feel so helpless. What could he do?

"All of it." Obi Wan confirmed, trying to show Anakin that he wasn't angry. He wasn't disappointed in him. He wasn't judging him, even now. Not after Mustafar. Not then. "But listen to me, Anakin."

Anakin didn't move a muscle. _He is good_ , he thought with a sickening taste in his mouth.

"You are not what you call yourself. You don't deserve to die and you never deserved what the council did to you. It was not all your fault. We pushed you over the edge, I pushed-"

"Don't talk like that! Don't lie to me like that!" Suddenly it wasn't Anakin talking. Suddenly it was his demons. "Don't lie! Give me the truth!"

"The Jedi took away your trust! The Jedi taught you betrayal! The Jedi put you in the hands of Palpatine!" Obi Wan came back almost as strongly as Anakin.

"But I'm a hypocrite! I said they weren't trustworthy but I'm not trustworthy! I called them evil because they betrayed me. So to make it right I betrayed them! And they put me in the hands of Palpatine but I could have ripped myself from that! Believe me, I hate that Jedi but I'm to blame! I should be dead! Good people like Padme are dead and I am alive! It's not fair! Nothing is fair! Obi Wan, I can't live! I can't do this!"

Obi Wan looked at Anakin's face, all scarred up and deformed. But where were the scars, really? Where was this deformation?

Not on his face but in his mind.

Someone needed to save this man. Someone needed to at least try! His human efforts may help but they would never be enough. Trying would have to be enough. He couldn't let Anakin die because of his errors.

"I'm proud of you," he said to Anakin softly, but it was like fire to Anakin's ear. His lip quivered as his gripped the window sill and he leaned against it trembling.

"No!"

"No!"

"No more lies!"

"How could you say these things!"

"Stop it! Stop it right now!"

"I can't do it!"

"I can't live!"

"Obi Wan, stop lying! I hate myself, why can't you?"

"No!"

"No!"

"Stop lying about me!"

The screaming went on for hours. And so Obi Wan sat there, refusing to deny any of his "lies."

"Anakin, I love you"

At this point, Anakin had managed to fall asleep, face first on the floor, still shaking and sobbing as he lay in the throes of his thoughts.

Obi Wan came closer, placing a blanket over Anakin's sleeping form. He sighed, knowing that the next few months would be eventful, whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. "I _do_ love you," he told him. "And I _am_ proud of you, my brother."

 _And you ARE good too._

 **So there's a little angsty mess for you to hopefully** **enjoy. I hope to hear from you.**

 **Oh, and if anyone forgot, I don't own star wars. The lyrics are from** ** _Circle_** **by flyleaf and I also don't own the band flyleaf.**

 **Another chapter on Friday most likely.**

 **Jenna**


	14. Chapter 13

**Thirteen**

 _Hey, where have you been?_

 _Where did you go looking for innocence?_

 _Shame is holding you down_

 _It's selling you out_

 _Won't you come back again?_

His thoughts were violent and sharp, sitting in the pit of his stomach causing him sickness and sleeping in the back of his brain making him on edge. Every time he felt Obi Wan coming his entire body was gripped in a fear. Of what? He wasn't even sure. Maybe he was afraid that this sickness would take his friend too.

Yes, his friend. _Obi Wan is my friend. I am Obi Wan's friend. He cares about me. I care about him. He is good. I am good._

If he didn't repeat these things to himself, his body would erupt with sorrow again and he would fall to the ground in despair.

 _You are doing good_ , the light whispered into his ear, leaving a small degree of comfort in Anakin's veins. The man swallowed the lump in his throat, for Obi Wan was near, and he looked down. He had been in this strange place for a week. A part of him didn't want to leave. It felt like home in many ways.

"Good morning, Anakin."

He looked the Jedi's way, feeling his heart quicken in pace. Why was he so fearful of this man who had been nothing but nice to him? Since he arrived anyway. He felt faint at the thought of another conversation with him. The last conversation was the worse one yet.

Anakin looked at him, using his last bits of courage. _Obi Wan is my friend. I am Obi Wan's friend. He cares about me. I care about him. He is good. I am good._

"Good morning," he said weakly, forcing himself to stare directly at Obi Wan.

The Jedi sat down beside Anakin, observing him carefully. "Anakin, I think it's time to leave. We're going to go back to my place."

Anakin's eyes went wide in horror, glancing at the place he has grown a bond of safety with. He barely knew Obi Wan's house. He couldn't go there! It would only be worse. There was a calm presence near him here. If he followed Obi Wan...things would change. He'd be alone with nobody to save him. _Alone with Obi Wan. No! Obi Wan is my friend. He cares about me. He is good._

"Anakin, are you alright?" Anakin looked toward the Jedi, noticing true concern in his eyes. He nodded.

"Okay."

"But what about my mask?"

"What about your mask?"

Anakin studied the disgusting object that sat on the opposite side of the room. He felt his insides tighten at the sight of it. "I-" he began, looking down with a cold stop. "I'm hideous," he whispered softly.

"Anakin, the only person who is going to see you is me. Eventually, things will be different."

Anakin stared at him, looking fearful.

"Trust me." _Obi Wan is my friend. He cares about me. He is good._

The younger man nodded slowly, breathing deeply. "Okay," he said in a whispered voice. "I-I'll leave it. I don't want it anymore."

Obi Wan threw Anakin a gentle smile.

 _Obi Wan is my friend. I am Obi Wan's friend. He cares about me. I care about him. He is good. I am good._

Anakin slowly grew strength to smile back, but it hardly reached his eyes.

They arrived at Obi Wan's house around noon. The sand hadn't changed and neither did the sky. The heat was still oppressive. The land was still coarse.

Yet Anakin stood back, looking at all that he could. Breathing in any amount of air that would swarm past him. He breathed, and he breathed deeply. His eyes were filled with bitter and broken tears and the blue glowed in the pale sands that blew past him. He wore a dark brown cloak, trying to hide his face from the people passing. He felt like a rock, weighing heavily in his boots and a part of him had trouble going on. A part of him wanted to fall back into the sand and just lay there. Maybe even forever. For once the sand felt good. For once he felt like part of the structure that good could be if only he could identify himself as that.

He had learned to repeat it nevertheless. _I am good._ But it meant nothing to him. His mind would say it, but his heart was filled with a deep sarcasm that spat back at his own face.

Obi Wan walked ahead of him quickly, but not so quick as to leave Anakin behind. He was aware that Anakin was confused over their sudden leave, but there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't remain where they were anymore. He had to go now.

Anakin was suspicious of Obi Wan, even though his brain said a repetitive, _he is good._ Anakin still had trouble believing even this. What was with all the secrecy? Why did they run? Why was it so imperative that they leave while no one else is home as if to hide the people of the house from him.

 _They're probably scared of you_ , said a voice in the back of his head.

 _Just wait_ , he felt the light soothe. _Trust Obi Wan. He is your friend. He is good._

"We're here." Obi Wan said, seeing how Anakin was standing in the sand, unmoving. He had been trudging behind Obi Wan for most of the walk and now was no exception. Now he appeared to be lost in thought. "Are you coming?"

The cloaked image of Anakin nodded slowly, reluctantly following the man back into the house he had been in not so long ago.

Anakin looked around, as he did before. Nothing much had changed, except for a shattered plate lying on the floor and his lightsaber sitting on Obi Wan's table. Instinctively, Anakin wanted to reach out for it, but his body couldn't move. He simply stared at it for a little while, wondering why its sight made him so cold inside.

"Are you hungry?" Obi Wan asked, pulling out several items from a small refrigerator.

"I suppose so," he said with a voice that didn't feel like his own. He could hear the echo of it and the smell of it in the air, but it seemed as if it came from someone far from himself. Someone he didn't know at all.

A fruit that Anakin recognized from his childhood (one rarely given to him), sat in front of him now. He couldn't remember what it was called but it looked just the same way it did as a child. His body felt like more of a weight now than it did earlier, and he sunk forward resting his chin on the table. He was almost glaring at it when Obi Wan spoke up.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't actually prepared for a guest."

Anakin was shocked that Obi Wan apologizing for giving him fruit. A fruit that was considered rare to a young slave boy. And to a Jedi knight who never saw its sort. Or to a man who ate from a feeding tube. Anakin swallowed deeply, feeling the weight lift slightly at the fact that he could even swallow now, without feeling choked up at the thought of such a simple task.

He decided to ignore him, putting a small piece of fruit in his mouth a allowing a soft smile of satisfaction to form on his lips.

Obi Wan sat across from him, eating a piece of bread.

"Obi Wan?" Anakin asked, fed up with the fact that his mouth was saying words.

The Jedi looked up at him questionably. "Yes?"

"Do you have milk?"

Obi Wan seemed fairly surprised over Anakin's question, expecting him to say something unrelated to the meal.

"You mean that nasty blue stuff?"

Anakin smiled in response, nodding.

Obi Wan sighed, walking over to the fridge. "I do."

They spent the rest of lunch in silence, neither of them with enough courage to start a conversation. There was no doubt that healing would have to take place but for now, it would have to be like this. Strained and uncomfortable.

"Obi Wan?"

"Yeah, what is it?" he asked, right before leaving Anakin to sleep.

Anakin looked pale, and not only due to his injuries. He looked unwell. Scared. Cornered, almost. He took in a deep breath and then let it out carefully as he fixed his eyes on the Jedi.

"We can have that talk you mentioned, tomorrow if you want." he said quietly, almost too quiet to hear.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't live like this forever."

Obi Wan sighed, handing Anakin a blanket. "Very well, we'll talk tomorrow."

* * *

 _Anakin Skywalker walked down the edge of a creek, allowing the water to splash on his bare feet._

 _His real feet._

 _He could hear laughter coming from behind him as two children ran to meet him._

" _Daddy, you left us again? You walk too fast," said a young boy around the age of four, tugging on his father's robe. Anakin caught the sight of striking blue eyes, and a boyish cut of blond, but the rest was out of focus. He looked at the boy to see a little girl, dressed in all white and looking at him as if she wanted to say something._

" _What is it Leia?" he asked._

" _You're not as strong as you think, Daddy. You don't have to run ahead. Please stay with us and we will help you."_

" _With what? I can walk just fine on my own."_

 _The boy and girl, that their father knew as Luke and Leia, glanced at each other. Luke looked at his father fondly, taking his large hand in his much smaller one. "We just don't want you to get taken away in the tide."_

" _I won't, it's shallow."_

" _Let us stay with you, daddy. It isn't going to stay shallow forever."_

 _Frustrated, Anakin ripped his hands away from both of them, causing them to fall back into the water. Too suddenly, their blurry faces disappeared and his heart was filled with panic._

 _Terrified, he dove down into the water, that was horrifyingly deep, not shallow at all, and searched desperately for them. "Luke! Leia!" he called underwater as his lungs filled with fire. He went on like this for a long time, but eventually, his body couldn't handle it anymore._

 _He pulled himself up from the creek, laying himself on the shore. He cried loudly, shouting their names over and over. Over and over until he couldn't anymore._

 _He looked up, wiping away his fallen tears, to find two colorful beasts._

 _The first one had scales of gold, paper-thin wings, and two ocean eyes. It's two claws were painted with golden light and its feathered coat was a shimmery blue. Most of all the beast had kind and innocent eyes. It made Anakin feel naked and dirty, so he flinched back, keeping himself away from the beast._

 _Seeming to shine, the beast looked through him, glowing eyes that smiled at his direction. "Don't be afraid, I don't mean to harm you."_

 _Anakin shook his head. "You're too good. Too pure!"_

" _How can one be too good, or too pure?"_

 _Anakin's blue eyes grew dark. "When you're standing next to someone who murdered everyone they cared about."_

" _That's a lie," the kind beast said. "Listen, I can heal your heart. I can heal your pain and your scars. But you can't run."_

" _I don't want to be healed! I don't belong here!"_

 _Then the second beast stepped forward, also coated in white._

" _Hello," it said._

 _Up until now, she hadn't said anything, but when she spoke Anakin's soul felt like honey. He immediately smiled, recognizing her voice as the one in his vision that he had seen as Vader._

" _Leia!" he croaked out, reaching out his hand to touch her. "I-"_

" _Shh…" she said softly, touching his arm gently. "Don't say a word. There are many truths that you will have to rediscover once you wake up from this dream. For one, you won't remember who I am. But you will remember this: The force is mysterious and unusual. I am out there for you. So is the one who will heal your heart. So is the one who will build you up, which I am. Believe in the future. Don't be afraid. Obi Wan will be a friend to you. Not a teacher. Not a master. But a friend. And when the time is right, he will tell you where to find us, and when you do, you will be complete."_

 _Anakin nodded. "Why won't I remember who you are? You're my daughter. Aren't you? And he...he is Luke! My son! He's alive! You're alive! Why won't I remember?"_

" _I'm afraid you aren't ready for us yet."_

" _But I am! I'll try! Please don't leave!"_

" _The time will come. Don't worry." Leia pulled him into her angel wings, gentle brushing her hands through his golden locks. "I mean it though. Believe. Don't fear. Be patient. Be a friend. Friendship will teach you how to be a father."_

 _The first beast returned to his sister's side. "May the force be with you, always."_

 **Alright, I hope you liked chapter 13. I know that there is little action in this chapter and the dream at the end is kind of weird, but hopefully, you'll like it. I think it's kind of odd but that's just me. I'm kind of my worse critic.**

 **Lyrics:** ** _Rest_** **by Nevertheless**

 **Review and Favorite!**

 **Love you,**

 **Jenna**


	15. Chapter 14

**Fourteen**

 _Only surrender will help you now_

 _I love you, please see and believe again_

Luke Skywalker held a fistful of sand in his chubby one-year-old hand. He smiled widely at his aunt and uncle, showing his teeth. The toddler squealed, throwing a handful of sand at his aunt's feet.

Despite his playtime, Luke listened and watched carefully as his aunt and uncle spoke. He was greatly confused by their words as well as their feelings. Luke had experienced many new feelings that seemed to confuse his guardians. He had a reign on things most toddlers didn't. He could see into their minds, even so young. Right now Luke could see that they were upset with each other.

"Kenobi had no right to do what he did," Owen said, sounding annoyed. "I can't believe you allowed this!"

"I knew the boy could help. Would you have said "no?"

"Absolutely," Owen said in frustration. "Beru, he's very dangerous."

"Kenobi?"

Owen shook his head. "I'm just glad he's gone."

Beru was hurt by her husband's words. When Kenobi asked the request she hadn't thought of her decision being harmful. It seemed to be the right thing to do at the time. Maybe it did put her nephew in danger, but she saw the situation with a hopeful outlook. She loved Luke, but she wanted what was best for him. If his gift could bring on those changes then she would do her best to help the child succeed.

"You know I don't like when he does those things," Owen said, completely defeating her thought process.

"He has a gift for a reason," she said softly. "His powers are only going to grow. We can't just cover them up!"

"We also can't allow him access to them, Beru! What if it's revealed to the public. It will put all of our lives in danger, especially Luke's!"

Beru looked down, trying to keep the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry, Owen. I thought I was doing what was right."

Owen shook his head, glancing over at the boy. "He has too much of his father in him. It makes me afraid."

"I know."

"I've never respected Shmii's son."

"I know."

"I can't ever let him get to him."

"Owen, if the time comes where-"

"No Beru! No!"

Beru looked down at Luke, who stared up at them with a blank look on his face. She realized that the child was listening, and probably also knew more about what they were saying than anyone would believe.

"They're gone now. It's over," she told Owen.

Her husband didn't seem comforted but nodded nevertheless.

* * *

 _The force is mysterious and unusual. I am out there for you. So is the one who will heal your heart. So is the one who will build you up, which I am. Believe in the future. Don't be afraid. Obi Wan will be a friend to you. Not a teacher. Not a master. But a friend. And when the time is right, he will tell you where to find us, and when you do, you will be complete._

Anakin felt like he was sitting in a pool of thoughts. So many seemed to be permanently pushed against the sides of his head. But this one thing, he couldn't release. There was something out there for him. Someone. But who? What? He was unsure.

Obi Wan hadn't forgotten what Anakin had asked, much to the younger man's displeasure. It wasn't that Anakin had changed his mind, yet he dreaded the conversation to come. He knew he had to do it. It's what the light was begging him to do.

 _An old friend awaits you. It will be painful, I promise. But you will leave in peace._

"If I answer your questions, will you answer my questions?" Anakin asked, breaking the silence.

"It depends on the questions."

The younger man stared down at his breakfast, trying not to feel sick. All of this felt like much more than it did the night before, back when he had all the time in the world.

"I know you have secrets," he mumbled to Obi Wan, refusing to look up.

"So do you," was Obi Wan's quiet reply.

"Maybe I was wrong," Anakin said looking up. "Maybe I was wrong about this. I'm kind of tired actually, and I don't feel well. Can we do this another time?" At this point the young man was standing up, ready to head off to any other room but the one he was in.

"Anakin." Obi Wan said, as if correcting him, yet it was fairly gentle. It made Anakin feel much worse. Obi Wan's hand was on his old Padawan's shoulder, and the padawan wanted to run for his life. He didn't want this. He didn't want someone to care about him. Help him, maybe. But not care about him. He couldn't allow that.

 _Be a friend. Friendship will teach you how to be a father._

 _I'll end up killing him too!_ "Please," he breathed. "Stop."

Obi Wan released his hand, initially being unaware of what it was causing. He wanted to understand Anakin so badly. He wanted to help him.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, taking a large step back.

"Don't touch me again." Anakin nearly demanded in a trembling voice, finally looking toward Obi Wan. "Please," he said weakly, a shaky breath escaping his lips.

Obi Wan pushed his hands behind his back, looking at Anakin with steady eyes. "I'm sorry, Anakin. I won't. Take a deep breath."

Anakin complied, breathing deeply, in and out, several times. Then he sat down at the table again, looking focused.

"Anakin, you know, we don't have to talk about everything. We can take it slow."

 _Obi Wan is my friend. I am Obi Wan's friend._

"Okay," he said, his voice shaking. "Do you promise?"

 _He cares about me. I care about him._

"I promise."

 _He is good._

Anakin nodded.

 _I am good._

"Show me how."

Obi Wan nodded, sitting down across from Anakin. "Let's start with the present, okay?"

Anakin nodded again, slower this time.

"How do you feel right now?"

The man's blue eyes looked deeply troubled at the question. He looked away, thoughtfully trying to gather together some simple adjectives that he could list. He didn't want things to get too personal.

Obi Wan found this to be a good idea. Right now this wasn't about Anakin and Obi Wan. Right now it was about Anakin and a Jedi Knight. His job was to help Anakin in any way that he could. This wasn't about fixing their relationship. In fact, their relationship wasn't even important right now. Obi Wan was forced to teach himself how to do that. It shouldn't be hard, but severing attachments were harder now. Now that he knew what could happen if he had none. Now that he saw the outcome of the code.

"I feel like I'm not real," he said in a painfully slow voice. "I feel like my words aren't real. Like they are being said by someone else."

Obi Wan closed his eyes, relying on the force for guidance.

"I feel exposed, naked even. Fearful. Cold. Tired. Lost. Confused. Sick."

"Why?" Obi Wan asked.

Anakin narrowed his eyes, staring at the man in utter confusion. "Because…" he began, closing his eyes slowly as if it hurt to do so. "Because I am exposed. Surrender hurts, Obi Wan. I guess that's what all of this is, right? Surrender. This is me allowing myself to say, 'I am this and that and I hate myself for those things but I won't deny that they're real.' I'm fearful because I don't know the outcome of anything. But I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of me. And I'm cold, well, because I'm exposed. And tired because pain takes away energy. Confused because I've always been confused. And sick because...well I don't know. Maybe because I want to be sick. Maybe because I want to die."

His answer was so blunt. So straight to the point.

"The thing with surrender is, typically it doesn't end with surrender. Once your old clothes are stripped away you should be given new ones, does that make sense?"

"Sure," he said quickly, clearly distracted.

"But have you stripped away all that you don't want?"

 _It clings to me! It doesn't come off!_ Anakin said mentally.

"Can I help you?" he asked, reaching out his hand as if to shake his hand.

Anakin stood to his feet, his jaw trembling. "I-" he began suddenly, with unresponsive eyes. "I want to stop."

Raw fear seemed to spread inside Anakin's eyes, like a sheet of ice, keeping him frozen in slow misery. Again, Obi Wan felt an urge to reach out to him, but he kept his hand back. "I'm sorry," he began immediately. "I keep forgetting-"

"I've already said too much…" Anakin said, his hands shaking.

An image flashed through his mind of Sidious, using his past to taunt him. He had told Palpatine the story of the Tuskens due to the lack of people he could turn to. He told him this because Palpatine understood. In fact, he even encouraged Anakin that it was okay. That what he did was right. But then Anakin turned to the darkness, and he became Vader. It was then that Sidious used the memories against him. His raw and honest memories. He would say, "Anakin, do you remember when you killed those Tuskens? I believe that was the moment you lost you the ability to be a good Jedi. I think that was the moment you became my slave."

Anakin's body felt like ice when his mind made him aware of Palpatine's current existence. He was probably being tracked down now. Obi Wan, _his friend_ , was now in danger. Because of him.

Anakin felt nauseous at the thought of any of these things. He sat down on a chair, wrapping his arms around his stomach. Obi Wan simply watched, not knowing what to do.

 _How do I help this man? How do I save him from his fear? How do I save him from the past?_

 _Keep trying_ , the force seemed to say.

Obi Wan looked back toward the man who was rocking back and forth in his seat, swollen eyes and a chalky face. He wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and sat down next to him, not touching him, but making sure his presence was noticed. He wanted Anakin to know he wasn't going anywhere.

When Anakin seemed to have calmed down, Obi Wan looked his way. "Anakin, I will never use your words against you. Please understand that."

Anakin stared at him for a moment with doubtful eyes, glassed over with his own inner walls. "I'd like to believe that," he whispered quietly.

"I know," Obi Wan whispered back. "It's okay. You don't have to believe me. Just understand me, for now."

Anakin nodded, swallowing. He looked at Obi Wan for a moment, as if deciding if he could be trusted. "I'm sorry that I'm so-"

"It's okay." Obi Wan interrupted, knowing that Anakin would probably proceed to explain himself with words of utter cruelty. "I told you we would take it slow. I mean that."

Anakin glanced at him, looking thankful. "Do you think it would be alright if I took a nap?" he asked weakly, glancing at the place he had slept the night before.

Obi Wan smiled softly, nodding. "Of course. Sleep well, Anakin."

Anakin turned toward his cot without another word.

 **Hello everyone, How are you all? I'm actually really excited about this story now. At first, I was a little unsure of how it would fit in with the rest of fan fiction but I'm glad you seem to like it.**

 **First, I want to apologize for any tears that I have caused. I know it's REALLY depressing at times but I find that the mood can't really be much different for Anakin's current situation. I've never been into reading or writing fluffy stories (mostly) but capturing real feelings that can sometimes be super dark. I'd love to say that Anakin's journey is going to progressively get better and better but...it's gonna be more of and down sort of thing. That's real life.**

 **I want to personally thank Lani. I'm glad that my writing style reminds you of C. S. Lewis. I love his style of writing myself and definitely have an underlying message in my story that he often puts in his as well. I love his message and I love subtly conveying it in fanfiction. Thank you for the review! I loved it. :D**

 **The lyrics at the top are from Again by Flyleaf.**

 **I don't own anything, sadly.**

 **I love you all so much. Have a good day,**

 **Jenna**


	16. Chapter 15

**Fifteen**

 _Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time_

 _I remember when you were holding me tight_

 _I would stay awake with you all night_

 _Anakin Skywalker stood on a dark platform. The ground was glass-like and felt as cold as ice. Anakin wasn't wearing shoes. Barefoot, he walked across the long plank toward its edge, which had a waterfall. Behind him were several pairs of other feet, belonging to different people. But Anakin couldn't see their faces, he could only see their bare feet._

 _The first one was a child he vaguely remembered seeing in the Jedi temple. The boy came closer to him, soon standing right in front of his face. He recognized the boy as the first child he slaughtered in the Jedi temple. The air seemed to be pushed out of him in one single breath._

 _"If killing me will relieve your pain, I will allow it." He said softly, placing his hand on Anakin's shoulder. Then he proceeded to walk to the edge, letting himself fall. Anakin raced to the ledge, looking down to see the dry ground, covered with the bodies of hundreds of children._

 _Next, an older Jedi Knight walked in front of him and said to him the same thing. "If killing me will relieve your pain, I will allow it." And then he fell back and Anakin watched him land on top the pile of bodies._

 _And then an angel walked out. Padme. She stood in front of him dressed in a white gown. Her hair was pulled back in a long braid. She smiled at him. "Dear, if killing me will relieve your pain, I will allow it."_

 _This time he acted, grabbing her hand before she could jump. "No!" he yelled, clinging to her arm as she dangled off the side. He carefully pulled her back onto the ledge. "This won't relieve my pain. It will only cause it. I love you, you can't die."_

 _Padme touched his cheek with one finger, caressing his shoulder with her other hand. "I love you," she whispered, yanking her hands away and jumping._

 _Anakin stood as still as a statue, his eyes filling with tears. "No!" he screamed again. **NOOOOOO.** He rushed to the edge in panic, looking down to see her body below. Instead, he found a pit of fire. There were no bodies at all. Just fire. _

_Anakin backed up, suddenly filled with fear. "Who's next?" he cried out loud._

 _Two children and Obi Wan walked up. Anakin knew he couldn't watch. He refused to meet their eyes and ran the opposite direction, across the ledge till he reached dry land. He sprinted through the forest, panting and screaming, not knowing what to do. When he reached the other end of the forest he arrived at a cemetery. He looked out only to see one lone figure. He walked closer._

 _When he arrived, he was horrified to find a masked Darth Vader kneeling at a stone. **Padme** , he immediately thought. He was shocked when he found his own name on the stone instead. **Anakin Skywalker.**_

 _It was as if he wasn't even there. Vader didn't even acknowledge that he was._

 _Vader touched the stone, brushing his finger across the top. "If killing me will relieve your pain, I will allow it." Vader then stood up and began removing his armor, piece by piece, until a grotesque man stood with only his body and his unremovable machinery. Then he lifted his voice. "I surrender to the light side of the force," He said. "Padme, Obi Wan, Luke, Leia…" he said. "If killing Vader will relieve your pain, I will allow it."_

 _Suddenly Vader was gone. Left behind was Anakin Skywalker, fully restored in body and mind. He almost had a glow to him. Then he stood up and walked straight through the stone and disappeared._

Then Anakin woke up.

Obi Wan stumbling through his house, trying to calm his friend. This had been probably the fifth panic attack he had that night and Obi Wan was fully exhausted. But he knew it was necessary. He knew it was his duty to follow through.

"Anakin, listen to me. Breathe. In. Out. It's okay. Try to tell me what happened."

The younger man panted, his fingers trembling as he tried to grip his blanket. "I don't know! I think...I think the force wanted me to die."

Obi Wan shook his head, lifting the blanket over Anakin's shaky form. "The force, the light side of the force, would never ask you to die."

"Why not?" Anakin demanded, a fiery look in his eyes. "The force said it would fix everything!"

"No, it didn't." Obi Wan tried to tell him. "The light side of the force would not try to get you to commit suicide. That is the darkness."

"You don't get it!" Anakin cried, pulling away and sitting in the corner of the room. "I don't need you. go away."

"Anakin, I just think if you explain to me what happened in your dream, maybe I could enlighten you of what it was trying to show you."

"No! I won't tell you anything!" he said, covering his face with his hands. "Go away!"

Obi Wan sighed in frustration, wondering if leaving him alone in this state of mind was wise. But he knew he had to comply to earn Anakin's trust and affection. Obi Wan did as asked and left the room. But that didn't mean he wasn't wide awake in the other room, listening intently.

 _Let him help you_ , the light whispered in Anakin's mind.

Anakin collapsed, rolling up in a ball on the floor. He shook his head defiantly.

 _Repeat after me_ , the light demanded.

 _Obi Wan is my friend._

Silence.

 _I am Obi Wan's friend._

Anakin shook his head, hating how much the light was pushing him. He just wanted to die. Why couldn't the light, and Obi Wan just let him be? At this point he felt as if he had permission to die. No one really wanted him here. He was stressing Obi Wan out and Padme in the vision clearly was saying that to make up for the people who died because of him, he would have to die also. It made perfect sense.

Anakin stood up slowly, walking into the largest room in Obi Wan's home. It was a combination of a kitchen and living room. It was also the entrance. He briefly remembered the first time he was in this room. He swallowed.

 _"You came here for a reason. Why?"_

 _"I don't know. Why did you invite me in?"_

 _Obi Wan sighed, "If killing me will relieve your pain, I will allow it."_

Anakin's eyes grew wide as he remembered Obi Wan words. His legs felt weak so he sat down in the nearest chair, trying not to throw up.

 _"I think it would. I know you don't really understand. But you're right, I have to do this."_

 _"If it will satisfy your heart, then so be it."_

His throat seemed to swell at the memory. He wanted to break it to bits. _Monster_ , his mind screamed. _MONSTER._

His words he had just screamed at Obi Wan raced through his head and he felt hollow. _What am I? A monster. A monster. I'm a monster. A killer. A murderer. MONSTER._

 _If it will satisfy your heart, then so be it._

 _I THINK IT WOULD._

This time his thoughts were too much and he couldn't hold it in.

Obi Wan watched from the hallway, sharing Anakin's sense of hollowness.

Anakin was deathly quiet the next day. He was silent through the entirety of breakfast. And silent as Obi Wan asked him how he slept. All Obi Wan received was a lopsided scowl.

"Never mind," he whispered under his breath. "What do you want to do?"

Anakin looked up, seeming to have already made up his mind. "I want you to take me to the person who healed my organs." He said as if he weren't human. "I want him to fix my skin."

Obi Wan didn't know what to say. He was utterly shocked by the turn of events. The coldness in Anakin's voice didn't seem to make him feel any better about this at all.

"I can't do that."

Anakin looked far too much like Vader for Obi Wan's liking with the look in his eyes. "Why not?!" he asked, sliding a fist onto the table.

"Because you'll scare him." Obi Wan said.

Anakin looked deeply hurt, and Vader evaporated. Now he sat back looking as if he was crushed. He breathed deeply, staring down at his feet.

Obi Wan found it crazy how calm he could be one second and how insane he could be the next. The Anakin that Obi Wan saw now might be okay to meet his healer. But the Anakin he saw a few seconds ago would never step a foot near anyone ever again. Obi Wan wanted to make sure of that.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said to Anakin, who wouldn't meet his eyes. "Anakin, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Look, this has nothing to do with your appearance."

Anakin didn't seem any less upset.

"I want to die," he said suddenly, firmly and honestly. He looked Obi Wan straight in the eye, his own eyes unmoving. "Today," he added softly.

"Anakin, no. You have so much to live for!"

"What? What do I have to live for?" he asked incredulously. "Unlike you, I can't just live to serve the force. The force means NOTHING TO ME!"

"Stop! Listen Anakin. You do have something to live for. You have to trust me!"

"Then tell me, Obi Wan! I'm tired of secrets," he demanded, looking like he wanted to run away and never come back.

Obi Wan let out a long sigh, knowing there was no getting out of this now.

"Obi Wan?" Anakin asked, quite viciously.

"Okay," he said softly. "No more secrets."

Anakin nodded, looking dead.

"I'll tell you everything tonight. If you hear me out and you still feel like you need to die…"

"You won't stop me." Anakin finished, looking satisfied. Slightly disappointed.

"I will. I will stop you. I will never stop stopping you."

Anakin stared at him for a moment, feeling as if his heart was in his throat. Obi Wan knew something big. Important. Anakin could feel it in his bones. His life would be different after he heard it. Whether that was a good or a bad thing, Anakin wasn't sure.

"Someday, Anakin, I will take you to the person who healed your body. But you have to be alive for me to do that."

Anakin stared at him, pain swarming in his pupils. Like a flood.

"The pain is too much Obi Wan!" he suddenly blurted out, his face trembling. "I knew this would happen if I let the light back into my life! It's too much! It hurts too much! I'm drowning here! Help me! You said you would! So, HELP!"

A compassionate look came over Obi Wan's face, he gave Anakin a gentle smile. "I promise. I will help."

Anakin nodded slowly, desperately clinging onto the air that was around him. He felt ill. He felt like he was dying.

"Tell me the truth, Obi Wan. Does the force really want me to kill myself?"

Obi Wan shook his head slowly. "No. But I think you want to kill yourself. You've been looking for an excuse. Your dream seemed like a sound one."

"I... Why do I want to die? Why would I want to live? What's wrong with me?"

"Anakin, listen carefully, alright?" Anakin nodded. "Your heart is shattered, Anakin. You lost everything. Most people wouldn't want to keep living in your circumstances. Maybe I wouldn't either. There's something wrong. There's always something wrong when a person doesn't want to live, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. None of this is your fault."

"I don't want to wrestle death every night, Obi Wan. How do I stop? How do I stop being tempted?"

"You need to find a reason to not die."

"What if I don't have one?"

"You will have a reason to live, alright? Trust me."

Anakin studied Obi Wan carefully, biting his lip with doubtful eyes. "I... I'll try."

Obi Wan sat beside Anakin at the table, putting an object in front of him. Anakin almost didn't recognize it at first, then his eyes went wide. "My journal?"

Obi Wan nodded, opening it up to a clean page. Anakin looked his way confused. "Are you kidding me?"

"No," he said, handing Anakin a pen.

"You aren't my master anymore. You can't make me write."

Obi Wan nodded. "I know, but you're living here. This is how you will pay rent."

Anakin looked at him in disbelief.

"Write at the top of the page, 'Reasons I Should Not Die." Anakin stared at Obi Wan for a moment before reluctantly printing the words at the top of the page.

"There."

"Okay," Obi Wan said, placing a piece of dark chocolate in the middle of the table. Anakin couldn't believe it. He hadn't had chocolate in such a long time...he almost cried.

"Here's how this is going to work." Obi Wan said, swatting away Anakin's hand which was reaching for chocolate. "We're each going to take turns writing down reasons that you should keep living. Whoever can list more gets the chocolate."

Anakin's face dropped. He pushed away the paper. "I only have one."

"Oh? And what is that reason?"

"Dark chocolate," he said, looking at it intently. "I'll keep living if you hand it over."

"Nope," Obi Wan said, putting it back in the cabinet. "If you want chocolate you have to list at least twenty."

"Ten?" he pleaded.

"Fifteen," Obi Wan confirmed.

Anakin sighed. "I'll try."

"I think we should go for a hundred."

Anakin shook his head violently.

Obi Wan nodded. "You start.

Anakin handed the pen to Obi Wan instead.

"Fine."

 _Because Anakin is my best friend._

Anakin wrote the most obvious reason first.

 ** _2._** ** _Because of Dark chocolate._**

 _3._ _Because Anakin is intelligent._

 ** _4._** ** _Because Obi Wan will be mad if I die._**

 _5._ _Because I will be SAD if Anakin dies._

 ** _6._** ** _Because someone should annoy Obi Wan._**

 _7._ _Because Anakin has a strong sense of compassion._

 ** _8._** ** _Because Obi Wan won't let me die._**

 _9._ _Because Anakin is my favorite person in the entire galaxy._

Anakin looked toward Obi Wan, trying not to feel touched. He couldn't afford this. He had to stay away. He couldn't open like this. Anakin's reasons weren't nearly as serious as Obi Wan's, but they felt far too serious for Anakin.

"I can't think of more."

"Try one about you and not about me." he suggested.

"I don't want to write about me. I have no ideas."

"Think of the simplest reason, Anakin. Anything."

 ** _10._** ** _Because there are planets that don't have sand._**

Obi Wan smiled. "Good."

 _11._ _Because Anakin is funny._

 ** _12._** ** _Because I think Obi Wan's secret will make me happy._**

Anakin was more surprised than Obi Wan when he wrote it. Where did those words even come from?

 _13._ _Because my secret WILL make Anakin happy._

Anakin smiled softly.

"I can't think of anymore again."

"Think of the people you love. What would they want for you." Anakin looked down.

 _14._ _Padme wouldn't want me to die._

 _15._ _My mother wouldn't want me to die._

 _16._ _Ahsoka wouldn't want me to die._

 _17._ _My children wouldn't want me to die._

"Anakin takes the lead," Obi Wan says with a grin. Unfortunately, Anakin didn't seem to be happy with his win. He seemed to be studying the words he had just written, over and over. He looked like he was being torn apart.

"But is it true?" Anakin asked quietly. "Are you sure they don't want me dead?"

"Anakin, how about we take a break?"

Anakin looked up, knitting his eyebrows together. "No," he said firmly, picking up his pen.

 _18._ _Because the Sith want me to die._

 _19._ _Because the Jedi want me to die._

 _20._ _Because I trust Obi Wan's word._

Anakin breathed in deeply, placing the pen down next to him. He didn't, however, let Obi Wan take it.

"I'm proud of you." Obi Wan told him softly.

Anakin glanced around the room, feeling uncomfortable. "Why?"

"Because that isn't an easy task."

"It is for you." Obi Wan looked down. If only that were true.

 **Lyrics: Dear X (You don't own me) -Disciple**

 **I don't know what to say about this chapter. I think it's weird but that's how I see it. I'd love to hear from you:)**


	17. Chapter 16

**Sixteen**

 _Won't you come to me_

 _As you are_

 _Dirty and broken,_

 _With all your scars_

 _From all the unspoken_

 _All the words_

 _That you wanted to say_

 _But you locked them away_

 _Inside_

* * *

Each day birthed a new pattern for both Anakin and Obi Wan. Just as Anakin's grief carried a pattern. Just as Obi Wan's soul would repeat his sorrow each day he opened his eyes. It was as if all feelings were rehearsed. Even if they had made progress in relieving their bodies from them, the habit lingered. Anakin woke up feeling scorched and Obi Wan woke up feeling guilty. Over and over. All progress lost its meaning. Nothing had changed.

"You never told me your secret last night. You said that you would but then you distracted me with dark chocolate. I think that was rather immature."

Obi Wan sighed, knowing Anakin actually wasn't as upset as his voice portrayed. He actually looked pleased with Obi Wan. Or maybe it was just the chocolate. Nevertheless, Anakin did have a point. Obi Wan had said he would tell Anakin the truth and now he had broken that promise.

"I guess I'll have to tell you today instead," Obi Wan commented carefully.

"No," Anakin said shaking his head bitterly. "Now. Right now."

Obi Wan eyes grew wide, feeling stupid for not expecting it. He supposed he couldn't buy time now. He nodded. "Alright, Anakin. Eat something first and then I'll tell you."

Anakin carefully unpeeled a fruit in front of him, keeping his eyes fixed directly on Obi Wan. "alright."

After Anakin ate his breakfast at light speed, he sat in front of Obi Wan with a determined look on his face. "Alright, so who is this guy? Or girl? Do you like her?"

Obi Wan looked at Anakin in shock. "No, it is not a girl and I do not like her!"

Anakin grinned, crossing his arms. "Okay, explain."

A large sigh escaped Obi Wan's lips as he looked at the younger man. _It would be okay_ , he decided. _It will be okay._

"There's a reason I have been so reluctant to tell you the truth. You see, I've been protecting someone. Hiding someone."

The younger man sat still, his only moment being a blink of his eyes. "From me?"

"Yes, but mainly the emperor. This person is exceptionally strong in the force, similar to you, and has been in a lot of danger. I didn't tell you right away because I needed to know where you stood. I needed to know that you wouldn't turn them over to Palpatine."

"Who are they?" Anakin asked, clutching a cup of milk in his hand.

"He's a child. His name is Luke. Luke Skywalker. Your son."

* * *

Bail Organa stood above his child, trying to release her from a steel-like trance. Unshakable. She clutched her sheets with white fingers and screamed relentlessly the word, "Daddy!" Bail, naturally, assumed she was calling for him.

"Leia, wake up! I'm here! It's fine! Everything is fine!"

Unfortunately, his words only seemed to upset the baby more. "No!" Leia screamed, her chocolate colored eyes staring aimlessly at the ceiling. The child trembled in her sheets as goosebumps formed on her arms and legs. When she finally caught the eye of Bail, she looked at him longingly, but not in a way that seemed hopeful. As if her longing could not be eased with any amount of its treasure. As if he wasn't even the treasure she was looking for.

"Daddy," she said softly, an intelligent one-year-old princess. The other parents were shocked by the child's maturity. The girl could speak clearly. Understand things. React. She wasn't afraid of much. She didn't refrain from using her gifts. This fact was terrifying to the Organa's.

Leia had always been able to read people, almost instantly. Bail knew the Jedi were mind readers, but he was aware the Leia had a gift beyond what he had seen in common Jedi. She could go places in her thoughts. Travel at the lightspeed. Maybe even see another person on the other side of the galaxy. Maybe not even someone living. As terrifying as it seemed, Bail continued to see demonstrations of this. And she kept growing stronger. Breha was right. He needed to talk to Obi Wan before the empire discovered her strength. He needed guidance.

Bail began packing his bags, watching Leia from the corner of his eye. She kept screaming from her crib. She kept on for many hours. By evening she had fallen back to sleep and Bail was boarding the ship with Leia hidden under his arms. It was a great danger to travel with the child. She hadn't been in space since she was brought to Alderaan. That was over a year ago. He was afraid the child would react horribly to it and end up grabbing the attention of Palpatine, or Vader, and they would all be doomed. But one thing was for sure. He couldn't control Leia's powers. He would raise her and love her, no doubt. But only a Jedi could show him what do with the force.

* * *

"I-I have a son? He's alive?" Anakin sat before Obi Wan, looking extremely doubtful. He studied Obi Wan, looking carefully for deception. A part of him wanted Obi Wan to be lying. So he could confirm that life was pointless and Obi Was wrong about him. This would be a marvelous excuse for death; because you can't trust people.

To his disappointment, he found no deception in Obi Wan. Only fear, worry, and a small amount of joy.

Anakin's eyes lifted, meeting Obi Wan's as he handed him a soft nod. "After Mustafar, I took Padme to Polis Massa. She lived long enough to give birth."

"And she died, because of Mustafar?"

Obi Wan shook his head. "No, not you, not Mustafar. I'm not sure I understand why she died. The med droids said she was healthy."

Anakin grew still, taking in Obi Wan's words like a hot sip of tea that just burnt his tongue. Now he sat in his chair, stick still, trying not to spill out the new waves of emotion that came clinging to his arms and legs. He felt sick again, but for once it wasn't in self-disgust.

"She was healthy?"

Obi Wan nodded. "Yes, what happened on Mustafar didn't affect her physical state much. She had a quick recovery from that. The reason she died is unknown. She gave birth to the twins and then she slowly died. It was as if someone was sucking the life out of her."

Me.

Or...

 _Him._

Anakin wanted to spit out the tea.

"Did you say twins?"

Obi Wan's face dropped. That was not supposed to happen. Obi Wan didn't have to answer. He face was enough confirmation for Anakin.

"Luke," Anakin said softly, a pained smile forming on his face. He looked up. "And Leia."

Obi Wan nodded, not bothering to ask how Anakin figured it out.

"I picked out her name, ya know." Anakin's smile grew a little bit. Yet it was tainted. "I always knew there was a girl, I just...twins."

The Jedi brushed his hand over his sandy beard, relieved that Anakin wasn't reacting in violence or explosive emotions. Of course, he wasn't unaware that those things would come. Anakin wasn't going to sleep tonight. That was a fact.

"Luke has an incredible gift. He's been given the force given gift of healing. He-"

"Healed me. He healed me. Oh. My son, he-"

"Yes. We tried to save Padme with his power, but he was just an infant. It wasn't enough. It is wonderful that he was able to restore your lungs and heart."

Anakin looked down at his feet. "Couldn't he fix the rest?"

Obi Wan nodded. "He could. But you were waking up. I couldn't risk it."

Anakin looked away, his eyes filling with regret. "That's what I felt, in the house." Anakin began. "Utter perfection, light...it's the reason I keep clinging onto...it's beautiful."

The Jedi watched Anakin, feeling so rewarded by Anakin's joy. It made him feel like he was doing okay with his friend. Like his friend was doing okay. He looked up now to see a broad smile appear on Anakin's face. He was happy. Actually happy.

"My son is alive. And Leia? Is she also?"

Obi Wan nodded.

Anakin's heart began to race at the thought of all the possible opportunities he could have now. All the possible futures. He felt sick and whole and for a moment he didn't want to die. Not at all. Not even a bit. He wanted to live. With them. Forever.

"Would you like to meet Luke, Anakin?"

But then Anakin felt pain arise in his chest, and he knew. Luke and Leia had new parents now. They were not his kids to have. Not anymore.

"Would Luke's parents allow that?"

"He lives with his aunt and uncle. Owen and Beru Lars. I know it will be okay with Beru."

Anakin looked down, feeling his body weigh down with each passing minute. Visits. That was all he was going to get with Luke. He wasn't even sure what he would get with Leia. Regardless, this was his one reason to live.

He picked up the journal that lay on the coffee table and he wrote down the next two.

 _ **21\. Luke.**_

 _ **22\. Leia.**_

"Yes," he whispered softly, in return to Obi Wan's earlier question.

"Yes, but I can't meet my son this way."

"What do you mean?" Obi Wan asked carefully.

"I need to be whole. I need to know how to control my emotions, and my actions, and my body. I need to learn to be calm. At peace."

Obi Wan smiled at Anakin, feeling majorly proud of his friend's maturity. "I'll help."

 **Hello, I feel so bad for not updating. It's truly pathetic since I've had the chapter ready to post this entire time, but I've simply forgotten. I'll send one on Wednesday to for your sakes.**

 **I think I'm also super insecure about these later chapters. I just wanna know it's realistic.**

 **Your comments are always appreciated.**

 **The lyrics are, again, from _Rest_ by Nevertheless. **

**See you Wednesday!**

 **Jenna**


	18. Chapter 17

**Seventeen**

 _Dear shame, I was safe in your arms_

 _You were there when it all fell apart_

 _I would get so lost in your beautiful lies_

* * *

"Where shall we begin?"

Obi Wan and Anakin sat across from each other, Anakin's face visible, Obi Wan's face hiding little emotion, and they were together, as one, sitting on a torn-up blanket. New weight circled in Anakin's midnight blue eyes, but now they held focus. A goal.

 _I need to be suitable. I need by acceptable._

Obi Wan's pride reaches to him and back.

Anakin's eyes caught the fire of the rising suns and he bit his lip. "At the beginning, I guess."

Obi Wan glanced at Anakin's open journal, sitting delicately next to a plate of berries. The page was worn out from back to front; wet, smudged, and covered in fingerprints. Anakin was found that very morning sleeping on his uncomfortable cot with a prosthetic arm laying across the inside of that very page. Anakin must have been reading it. Over and over. He needed a reason to live. He needed something to cling to.

The names Luke and Leia, numbers twenty-one and twenty-two, were now underlined in pencil. Those were the ones that caught Anakin's attention, no doubt. Obi Wan could spot almost microscopic writing on the edges, beneath their names. He was frustrated with his inability to read the fine print that Anakin used. Clearly, the man had used it on purpose.

Anakin sat in a meditative position, clearly trying to convince Obi Wan that he still had the ability to be one with the force, far away, off without his thoughts. But the truth was visible. Anakin fidgeted in his spot, breathing deeply, frustration visible on his eyelids, and his pulse raced as the sun came up. Obi Wan grinned softly, realizing that some things wouldn't change. As a Padawan or as a man, Anakin just wasn't built for typical Jedi meditation.

"Look at me, Anakin." Two eyes opened immediately, only proving that he hadn't left his physical realm, and he stared back in frustration.

"Okay."

"You've never been very good at meditation, have you?"

Anakin looked down shamefully. "I didn't see a goal. That's the thing about the Sith. When Sith meditate there's a focal point. That's the difference."

"But is the focal point dark?"

"Of course," Anakin said without thought, looking down at his feet. "But at least you know where you're going."

Obi Wan watched Anakin for a moment, wondering what he could possibly do. Anakin had two separate opinions on all things. His Sith opinion. And his Anakin opinion.

Not his Jedi opinion. Anakin didn't have a Jedi opinion.

"How about we try something new then?"

Anakin followed his eyes, nodding. "Okay, what then?"

"When a Sith uses his focal point, Anakin, why does he meditate? What does he accomplish?"

"He accomplishes the state of being in total darkness. He saturates himself in it. Breathes it. Is it."

"Why could a person not do that with the light?"

"The light is different. The light is judgmental. The light doesn't make you powerful."

Obi Wan looked disturbed. "What if you put a good emotion in place of the bad? What is something you feel strongly about that you know is right?"

Anakin leaned forward, looking down at his journal. His eyes studied the lines, the edges, the words...his face went blank, and pale. He looked toward Obi Wan, trying to find an answer for him. Then to the sky.

When he looked back at Obi Wan, his eyes had darkened. His face looked bleached. "I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"What is right? What is wrong? I don't know anymore!" he said abruptly, turning their soft-spoken conversation to something else. "Are you good? Am I good? Is Palpatine good? I don't know!"

Obi Wan looked at him with a soft gaze, trying to capture all his heartache and take it from him. _Don't be afraid. The light will show you._ Obi Wan believed that with every fiber of his being. "Anakin," he whispered with a gentle kindness, sending a soft breeze of light his friend's way. "Tell me something that you feel strongly about. Something you know you believe."

Anakin nodded, catching his breath. "Alright," he said, eating a fresh berry as if it was an antidote. "I guess I could use your help."

Obi Wan smiled.

"I believe that slavery is wrong and the people responsible should be destroyed." Anakin's eyes grew distant as he continued, but he forced the words out. "I believe that the empire is wrong, but I also believe democracy is wrong. I... know Palpatine is evil, but I know there are people much worse. I believe people can be a lot worse. I believe that you are good, but every time I look at you I can still feel my skin in a thousand flames, and I want to run. I know I should trust you, and most of me does trust you, but another is bracing myself to burn! I believe that I should never have been a Jedi. I believe that I killed my own mother. I believe that I killed my own wife! I believe that I would never have found out about Luke and Leia if I didn't come here. And I also believe they would be a lot better if I didn't know. Maybe I should just go back and let them live their lives. Things would be so much better."

"Anakin-"

"You know it's true! Thinking about it makes me sick! I still want to die!"

"Please listen to me-"

"I'm going to take a walk. I can't continue this."

Obi Wan's eyes softened. "Alright. Will you be back for lunch?"

Anakin shut his eyes tightly, standing up from his seat on the ground. "Maybe."

Anakin closed his eyes, trying not to break. His cloak was draped over him and his pupils sat in puddles. Grains of sand clung to his boots, making it difficult to walk since he kept sinking. A part of him wanted to return to his new home with Obi Wan, but another part wanted to run far away and never come back.

The same sand that clung to his feet seemed to scratch behind his eyes. His demons weren't far. They _never_ were. It's hard to be rid of them when one hand is reaching out to embrace them. Even now the darkness lingered. Even now the darkness covered his skin.

 _Maybe because you refuse to believe it can be gone._

Anakin shook his head sadly, knowing the light was right. _How do I believe that it can when I know it can't?_

 _Demand belief._

There was something inside of him that was building. Perhaps fear. Perhaps bravery. Perhaps...

 _Shame._

His body wanted him to scream out, both in insanity and his growing sanity. Both in his anger and undying goodness that felt like a knife to his very soul. His muscles begged for that great release. His heart pounded for it. Each piece of his brain, each part of his presence longed for it.

 _Release. Release. Just release._

It was inside of him, eating, running, yelling for this desperate scream. He had cried a lot. Yelled a lot. But he had been in himself, alone, cold, and guarded. Now he was still these things, except he was alone but not lonely. It was a relief to be alone. Oh, to have the freedom to just scream! Scream until his voice left him. Scream until his throat was empty of pain.

So, he gave into what his heart was birthing. Creating. Forming. Destroying.

He screamed. Loudly. Sharply. Painfully. It hurt. It hurt so bad. But it came. And there were no words. Just screaming as he fell into the sand. Into his soul. Into the light. He needed the darkness out.

The light smiled. _It's not about what comes out, it's about what you let in._ Slowly, as he sat crumpled in the sand, he felt his weakness age. It began to grow away from him. A new strength filled his freezing bones.

 _Okay._ He stood to his feet, shakily reaching out for something to support him. Nothing. Just the light with a tender touch.

 _Breathe._

Anakin obeyed its command, allowing a fresh fire to fill his lungs. His new and healed lungs. His eyes went wide in a strange happiness simply because he could breathe. Air! There was air! Everywhere! It filled his lungs and he felt it! It kept him alive. It kept him alive when he wanted to end it. He couldn't die. His own son had given him the wonder of air again. He couldn't waste the perfect gift of its existence.

 _I am with you now. Don't push me away._

Anakin nodded, relief settling into his eyes. As if he had wings.

Nothing could change his mind about life.

He looked up to find a man also in a cloak, holding a young child in his arms. Fear came across the man's face and Anakin choked once he recognized him.

"Bail Organa."

Nothing could change his mind.

Nothing.

 **Hello, I know this chapter is so so short, but it's one of my favorites. More than writing action or dialogue, I just love writing about emotions and what happens in the head. Inside, I guess. I just think it's so interesting and Anakin is such a great character to get to write emotion for. Anyway, I hope you guys liked it as much as I liked writing it. These kind of chapters are sometimes more fun to write than to read.**

 **Lyrics are from Dear X (You Don't Own Me) by Disciple.**

 **Your comments/favorite/follows are so appreciated. I love you!**

 **Jenna**


	19. Chapter 18

**Eighteen**

 _Right where I want you to be again_

 _See and believe_

* * *

The viceroy studied Darth Vader, looking perplexed.

The first thing he noticed was his appearance. Covered in awful scars like a man from a horror film. The man was hidden mostly by a dark cloak, appearing to be drowning in it, which was strange since Anakin was always such a large man. But now he looked strangely small. Even weak.

"Bail Organa." he had said in shock, immediately glancing at the child in Bail's hands.

Bail simply stood in fear, holding his daughter underneath his own cloak, hoping she wouldn't look up and see the monster before them. She was so distressed, she didn't need this nightmare in her pretty little brain.

Leia's reaction wasn't, however, the reaction that he feared. Only Vader's.

The Sith's eyes glanced over to the child, seeing only a part of the baby's eyes peeking out. He looked down as a strange feeling surfaced within him. "Are you here to see Obi Wan?" he rasped out.

Bail did nothing but nod, wrapping his arms around his body to hold the child closer.

The second thing Bail noticed about Vader was the fear. As if Vader was afraid of _him;_ A man holding a baby.

"Yes." he answered simply to the man's question.

He followed Vader reluctantly. It was a great danger, but Bail didn't feel as worried as he should have. And Leia seemed to be at peace which was strange. The child hadn't been at peace for months. But that didn't tame his own fear.

He was sure he was walking straight into his own grave. And Leia's.

Anakin's heart was being pulled in all different directions from within him. _That's her_ , he thought. _Is that her?_ He asked the force.

The force hugged him tightly. It almost laughed. He looked around, realizing how strongly the answer seemed to come from behind him. From Leia. _My beautiful light. She's so beautiful._

Anakin noted the fear in Bail and it disturbed him. He hated himself intensely for causing anyone that kind of fear. To think he would steal his child. Maybe even kill her.

 _Vader would have done that._

 _You aren't Vader. Never again._

Anakin's heart seemed to sob as he witnessed the stronghold of Bail's heart.

He loved Leia as if she was his own daughter. Even Anakin couldn't take that away.

Bail seemed to tremble for the sake of his daughter, and Anakin wanted him to stop. "I'm taking you to Obi Wan," he said as softly as possible. "I swear I will not hurt her."

Bail only relaxed slightly. Anakin couldn't really blame him.

A soft murmur escaped the child's lips as she looked in Anakin's direction. The child cooed, reaching out a chubby hand toward him. Bail immediately tried to pull the child back and keep her quiet. But she was persistent. "Dada!" she yelled triumphantly, pulling away from Bail's hands. "Dada!" she continued, reaching out toward the man in front of them.

Anakin turned for a moment, toward father and daughter, catching the eye of the little one. She only continued. Anakin sighed, walking faster, refusing to look back. _It will be too hard if I look back_ , he decided. _So, I won't._

Bail was humiliated. Leia had made it painfully obvious that she wasn't talking about him too. But that monster. _Why? Why!? Why him? Who cares about blood? That man would kill her!_

The child burst into tears due to the man's refusal to come to her. She shook violently in Bail's arms as she screamed. "Dada! Dada! Dada!"

Anakin turned toward them for a moment, clearly bothered by the child's crying, offering a soft smile to the baby. But she didn't hide her eyes like Bail thought she would. She just looked at him.

Anakin suddenly turned around, walking toward them. Bail flinched back, holding the child as tight as he could. To his surprise, Vader never attacked. Instead, he got down on his knees, reaching eye level with Leia. "That's your Dada," he told the child, pointing up at Bail. "He loves you and he takes good care of you. He's your Dada. Him."

And like that, Anakin walked ahead, leading the way to Obi Wan.

Bail was completely shocked.

But not as much as Anakin. The strength that the act had taken from him was a devastating loss. He walked ahead quickly, not allowing Bail to see the tears pouring from his eyes. Not wanting him to see the way his body shook in grief. _Tonight will be long_ , he decided. _I felt so much better until Bail showed up._

When Anakin arrived at Obi Wan's home, now _his_ home too, he knocked softly. Partially because he felt so heartbroken that he couldn't bear to use up any more energy or maybe he didn't want to frighten the child or her father.

Obi Wan opened the door almost immediately, seeing Anakin's face and knowing that his friend was in a lot of pain. "Anakin, what's wrong?"

Not wanting to speak, Anakin ignored his question, moving to the side to reveal Bail. Obi Wan almost choked on the tea he was drinking at the sight. He wasn't sure if he should be worried or not about how Anakin had responded when he found them. For a moment, he feared that they had been kidnapped by Anakin, but the theory didn't make any sense at all.

"Senator Organa, how nice of you to visit!" Obi Wan greeted, a shaky smile forming on his lips. "Come in."

Bail followed suit, sitting down at the kitchen table with Leia in his lap. Obi Wan looked to his side where Anakin sat, his back facing both, staring at the wall. Obi Wan knew he had to talk to Anakin, but it wasn't a good time.

"What brings you to Tatooine?"

"Her," he said, placing a hand on his one-year old's shoulder. "She's been unresponsive as if she's in a trance. It keeps getting worse."

Obi Wan nodded. "That's very common in force sensitive children." Bail looked nervous when the word 'force' was mentioned, glancing over at Anakin.

The Jedi came to his feet. "Excuse me a minute." He walked over to Anakin, sitting next to him. Anakin hadn't moved since Bail had entered the building.

"Are you alright?"

Anakin bit his lip, refusing to meet Obi Wan's eye. "Of course," his voice said, wavering.

"I can't talk right now," Anakin nodded. "But I wrote you something. In there," he said pointing to Anakin's leather journal. Anakin finally met Obi Wan's eyes, and the Jedi was shocked. Obviously, he looked heartbroken, but his eyes seemed so light. Lighter than they had been in years. He looked like a different person. Sad but pure. "We'll talk later, alright?"

"Alright," Anakin confirmed in a quiet voice, opening the journal to the newest page. He began to read.

 _Dear Anakin,_

 _I know your heart may be broken and torn apart. I know you feel like all the bad in the galaxy is your doing. I know you feel like you aren't worthy of anything. Of me. Of your children. Of even the light side. It breaks my heart to see you that way._

 _I'd like to answer a few of your questions if that's alright. I don't want to answer them out loud. They won't mean as much. I hope you'll understand me better if I write them out._

 _Yes, Anakin. Slavery is wrong. It's an evil and inhuman thing. The people probably do deserve death. But if you want to destroy them, please destroy them in the right mind._

 _Yes, the empire is wrong. OUR democracy was wrong too. But it wasn't democracy, Anakin. Democracy means free will. It means freedom of speech. Freedom to work together as one group of people. The problem with the democracy that we had was simply because it wasn't democracy at all. The leader of that democracy had a goal of an empire. He was destroying democracy from the inside._

 _Palpatine is evil. There may be people worse than him. That doesn't make him any less evil._

 _I am not anymore good than you are. We both betrayed each other. We are both at fault. Your fear makes sense, Anakin. I will not condemn you for your mistrust in me. I can honestly promise that I will never hurt you in that way again. I'd hate to think we'd ever have to experience anything like Mustafar again. I don't believe we will. You have made spectacular progress, Anakin. You are so much stronger and braver now._

 _If you had never become a Jedi you never would have met me. You wouldn't have married Padme. Luke and Leia wouldn't exist. Your mother still might have died. Maybe things would be better. There's nothing you can do about that now._

 _You did not kill your mother. I killed her more than you did. I didn't let you go. I am so sorry._

 _You did not kill Padme. Palpatine did._

 _You are the most loving person I know. Knowing about Luke and Leia and them knowing about you will be good. For all. Don't be afraid to love them. I am here. Your mother and wife's fate will not be theirs too._

 _I believe in you, Anakin. I believe you are so much stronger than you believe. I believe that you will destroy the Sith. Destroy Palpatine. Destroy the Empire. Bring balance to the Force. But that isn't important now._

 _Right now, I need you to know that I love you. Your life is not a mistake and it is not a mistake that you are here with me. So, keep living, friend. You are good and special and important. The light side is begging for your soul. I know you feel it. I feel it too. I am begging for your soul too. Don't hide it. The light will not judge you. The judgment you felt with the Jedi was false light. That wasn't what you needed and that isn't what you are going to get now. It is okay to feel lost in the darkness, Anakin. You are human. You bleed, you break, and you will die. But don't die today. Or tomorrow. Not until you need to die. Not until the galaxy lets you go. Don't feel pressured to be the chosen one. Or the hero with no fear. Don't feel pressured to be perfect. If your destiny is to destroy the Sith, which I do believe you will, then you will know. You. Not me. You. Let the light free you, Anakin. Let it fix your broken wings. Fly._

 _I'm writing you this so you have something to hold on to. If you don't want anything from me, know this: Before Padme died, she claimed that there was good in you. When Luke healed you, he was devastated when we made him leave. And when I brought Luke to Ruwee, she told me that if his father ever wants him, and I think he is fit for the job, she will hand him back. because even she believes in you._

 _Know that Padme believes in you. Luke loves you. And I will walk with you if you let me._

 _Don't worry about right and wrong. The galaxy is not made of black and white. Take life slowly. Think before you act. Don't be afraid to ask. I am here. The force is listening to you. Don't be afraid. I love you. May the force be with you. Forget the word "may." The force IS with you. The light IS with you. I AM with you. Believe. Be free. Let go. You are loved._

 _Your brother,_

 _Obi Wan Kenobi_

 **Hey, everyone! I'm so excited that we're almost halfway done with the story. I promise there will be lots and lots of angsty stuff to come, but I promise some good stuff will happen too. I'm really, really excited now. I took the time yesterday to read through this entire story from chapter 1 to like 47 (There will be 50) and It's safe to say that I'm going to make you all cry. I'm really not a terrible person but it really is a lot of fun for me.**

 **Anyway, the next chapter is gonna be intense. Lots of cliffhangers in part two of the story as well. I am really hyped about this now.**

 **I'll stop rambling.**

 **Hope to hear from you,**

 **Jenna**


	20. Chapter 19

**Nineteen**

 _Dear hate, I know you're not far_

 _You would wait at the door of my heart_

 _I was amazed by the passion in your cries_

* * *

"Is he ...is Leia, are we safe?"

Obi Wan glanced over at his brother who sat stretched out on his cot, hiding his face in a flat pillow. He appeared to be harmless. And maybe he was harmless. However, Obi Wan couldn't take any chances and he needed to be sure.

"I'll make sure of it."

"Why is he here, Kenobi?" Bail asked in a whisper, almost bitterly. "I thought I could come here safely and not have to interfere with any Imperials. Especially not Vader."

"He's not an imperial and he's not Vader. All is well, my friend. I promise."

Bail didn't look too convinced.

"After what happened to Padme...how could you let him in your house? Doesn't he endanger your life too now? Let's say he did leave the empire, which I highly doubt. Aren't you worried he's deceiving you? Aren't you worried the Empire will search for him until they find you both?"

Obi Wan sighed, glancing at Anakin again. Clearly, there was no convincing Bail of Anakin's goodness as of now. That would have to wait. "I let him in my house because he is a friend of mine. No, he is not deceiving me. And if the Empire comes looking, we will find a better hiding spot. You don't see my point of view on this matter and that's okay, but please keep your opinions to yourself. I assure you that no harm will come to you or Leia. You can relax, Viceroy."

Bail sighed deeply, looking down at his daughter. "She's drawn to him," he whispered to Obi Wan. "She's _always_ been drawn to him. I think the abnormalities in her all have to do with him."

"Oh."

"She knows I'm not her father. She also knows that..." he glanced at a sleeping Anakin's form. "That he is."

Obi Wan stood up, clearing his and Bail's plates off the table. "I guess that should have been expected. Yoda and I should have prepared you better."

"There was no time."

"I know."

"Are you positive that he won't hurt her?"

"I think he is more worried about hurting her than you are. I promise. You mustn't worry." Obi Wan glanced at her, seeing the resemblance between Leia and her biological father. "I trust him."

"The force is such an enigma to me." Bail said finally, following Obi Wan to the place he was going to sleep. "In that respect, I think it would be good if Anakin raised Leia."

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing to reexamine. Only words."

Obi Wan nodded, catching the eye of Anakin from the other room. He was awake.

"You must have had a tiresome journey, Bail. Let me watch over Leia while you sleep." Bail reluctantly let go of Leia's small hand and laid down on the bed.

"Alright."

Obi Wan entered with the child clinging onto his arm, greeting Anakin who was digging through the fridge for something to eat.

"Hungry?" Obi Wan asked him, seeing as he pulled out the entire pack of dark chocolate.

Anakin nodded, keeping his eyes away from Leia.

"What did I tell you about the chocolate, Anakin? It has to be earned."

Anakin ignored him, pouring the remains of the box into a small bowl.

Obi Wan gave him a look of concern. "Well then."

"Please?" Anakin asked, giving Obi Wan a look of utter pain.

"Alright. Fine."

Anakin began to throw them into his mouth, piece by piece.

The room was silent for what felt like ages when Obi Wan finally spoke up. "Leia's here."

"I know," Anakin said, keeping his eyes on his bowl.

"She wants to play, don't you Leia?"

The child squirmed around, smiling innocently at Anakin. "Yeah!" she said finally.

Leia walked toward him, pulling on his boot. Anakin shot a look at Obi Wan which seemed to be laced with hatred. He shook his head, clearly upset. "Why would you bring her?" he whispered softly.

"She's your daughter."

"You completely ignored my question."

"Hi!" the child said, looking up at Anakin in confusion. "Play?"

"No," Anakin said, pulling away from the little girl, making the child look upset.

"Dada!" she yelled, wobbling toward him. "Play!"

"No!" Anakin shot back, looking at the child with hurt eyes. "Play with someone else, alright? I can't play with you. Not ever."

Leia mirrored the same look as Anakin, looking as if she was breaking into a thousand pieces. "Dada," she whispered to herself, sinking to the floor.

Obi Wan glanced back and forth from father to daughter, wondering what he could possibly do to make the situation any better. He truly was pushing this too much. Anakin wouldn't get to raise Leia. Anakin may not even want to. The hard truth remained that Anakin couldn't raise her. Not now. And clearly, he knew that too. He didn't want to get attached so he covered up by being cruel. But Anakin didn't realize how much this was hurting his daughter. To a normal child, it would be nothing. But Leia knew this was her father. Without a doubt. Scars left now could last forever.

"Anakin," Obi Wan said, reaching him. "I'm sorry. I should have asked."

"Your right. You should have."

Obi Wan glanced at Leia, seeing that child was watching them.

"I know you're trying to help," Anakin whispered. "But she isn't mine. I can't let myself think that she is. I need distance. Time. I can't be with her."

Obi Wan placed his hands on Anakin's shoulders, giving him a look of gratitude. "I'll ask next time. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

Obi Wan was mildly surprised by the way Anakin spoke. Clearly, some progress was made.

"Thank you," Anakin said, speaking again. "For your letter."

Obi Wan smiled. "I meant every word."

"Beru is actually willing to give up Luke?"

"If I say so, yes."

"And what do you say?"

Obi Wan released his hands from Anakin's shoulders. "Soon."

* * *

 _It's been quite some time since I've written. Over a year. I don't see my purpose in it. I did it before and it didn't save me. I guess it did help Obi Wan understand. Maybe that's the only reason I'm doing it. So Obi Wan can understand._

 _Yes, things have changed. I'm going to freely show Obi Wan what I'm feeling and thinking. That way he can better help me. My physical health is excellent inwardly, but my mental health is critical. It has been. For years. But I'm hoping that ends soon._

 _I needed to write because I do need a release. From this anger, I have in me. From my jealousy. Oh, my jealousy. It hurts so bad to see such an angel in the hands of another man. Especially because she is mine and was mine first. And who's fault is that? Only a hideous man who can't look at a little girl in fear of breaking down. It's all good. Really._

 _Somewhere in that mess, I fell asleep last night. Tears pouring down my pillow in both anger and gratitude. For Obi Wan._

 _Obi Wan: the reason I chose to wake up today._

 _Right now, I'm sitting at the table eating breakfast. Alone. But that's okay. I need to be alone right now anyway._

 _The entire morning has been painful. For the first couple minutes, I was forced to eat breakfast with Bail Organa, who didn't hide his detest for me in the slightest. His sideways glances seemed to be a mix of fear and hatred. Clearly, he wanted to get Leia as far away as he possibly could. A part of me hates him for that, but what good is hatred anyway? In this instance, it's false hatred too. It's false hatred because I understand fully why he would see me this way._

 _Soon after that, I was ditched by all three of them so they could work with Leia. I guess Obi Wan is going to figure out what is wrong with her. In my opinion, nothing is wrong with her. She's simply a force sensitive. My mother could tell quite a few stories that used to freak out some of the other mothers. She assumed I was perfectly normal. (Besides the lack of a father) But otherwise, normal. Leia may have had two parents but at least this time we are aware of why she does the things she does. I am afraid for the child. The force is so dangerous. I see it now._

 _Being alone has gotten my thoughts soaring all over the place. Mainly, it's Leia. But the other half of my brain is drawn to Palpatine. Even his name makes me feel sick. Now it does, anyway. I am terrified of what the future holds. He isn't just going to forget about me. I completely disregarded his order and left the fleet without an explanation of any kind. I hope he thinks I'm dead._

 _Of course, he's not that stupid._

 _The thought of Palpatine coming after us, after Obi Wan, hurts more than it should. I know Obi Wan isn't incapable of defending himself. He's an excellent warrior. He always was. He also has the bonus of negotiations. I for one have neither in my current state. I haven't picked up my saber since I've returned to Obi Wan's home. I don't even want to. The blade reminds me of the flames._

 _Lately, I've been lying awake at night, seeing images flow through my head. Some disturb me. Some comfort me. It really depends on where I put my focus. If I think about that kind and patient voice in my head that's always talking to me, pointing out my errors in a non-condemning way, covering my weakness with a blanket of forever…If I think about that voice. Or the words in Obi Wan's letter. Or the words my mother used to say to me when I was little._

 _"_ _Don't ever believe you're a slave. Don't ever believe you're a number. Don't ever believe you aren't human. Ani, don't believe the lies of the galaxy. They will tell you that a name doesn't matter, but it does. Always hold onto your name. Your name is Anakin Skywalker. It means 'warrior' and 'of the stars.' Don't ever forget. Don't ever change it. You aren't a slave, number, or object. You are a person and your name is Anakin."_

Then I'm alright.

 _But if I think about Palpatine or Mustafar or Padme...I simply can't sleep. I should hope that what Obi Wan says is true. I should hope that what the light says is true. I must hope. It shouldn't be this hard, but it feels like my bones are collapsing each time I try._

 _Just before running into Bail, I allowed myself to release all my pain. And I let the light in. I know it's there. I feel different. I'm not okay, really. I'm just...lighter I guess. I feel lighter. It probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. But I feel it. That weight that always sits on my chest in the night has lessened. I feel like I can sort of breathe._

 _If I write any more I might die. The more I write, the more I rip holes in my chest. This must be slow. This is all I can say right now._

* * *

 ** _Hello,_**

 ** _You're all gonna hate me after the update this coming Wednesday. I hate myself a bit for it too, but 'it' needed to happen once. I do love you all though, so don't abandon me._**

 ** _Lyrics: Dear X (You don't own me) -Disciple_**

 ** _May the force be with you,_**

 ** _Jenna_**


	21. Chapter 20

**Twenty**

 _Almost thought we made it home_

 _But we don't know this place at all_

* * *

Obi Wan Kenobi and Bail Organa returned by noon, deciding it was time for lunch. They arrived to find Anakin in the corner of the room, clutching a leather journal to his chest and looking like he was in a distant land. Maybe a part of him was.

"Will you join us for lunch?" Obi Wan asked him.

Anakin stood up to his feet, glancing at Bail and Leia. "No," he said briefly, before swinging the front door open and vacating the room.

Bail gave Obi Wan an alarmed look.

The Jedi rose from his seat, filling a bowl with stew. "Excuse me," he told Bail, leaving the room as well and following Anakin.

"Hey," Obi Wan said, placing the bowl in front of Anakin.

"Hey," he echoed back, not meeting the older man's eyes.

Anakin stared intently at a passing speeder, seemingly aiming toward the city. But that's where his eyes met. Not his mind.

"I can't, Obi Wan." He said, not looking his friend's way.

The man's sandy hair blew gently in the hot wind. "I know. That's alright."

"How long are they staying?"

Obi Wan wasn't sure how to take the question. It sounded anxious but not necessarily hopeful that answer would be soon. Regardless of how much it hurt, Anakin truly didn't want Leia to go back to Alderaan. He longed to love the child and watching her from afar was better than nothing.

"I don't know yet." Obi Wan told him, meeting a pair of icy eyes. "Anakin, I know this is hard, but would you at least listen to my advice?"

Anakin brought a spoon to his lips, tasting a sweet broth. He nodded slowly.

"Leia's only going to be here for a little while. Bail doesn't want to stay." he began. "But Leia doesn't want to leave. She loves you. Surely you can see that."

Anakin stared down at the sand that covered his boots.

"What memory do you want her to have of you? You pushing her away? Do you want her to have a bad memory of you?"

The younger man met his eyes, looking defeated. "No," he said softly, covering his face with his hands. "I don't know what to do."

"Your tone, Anakin. When you speak to her, don't talk so harsh. Maybe even give in and play with her. I know it will be hard on you, but you have to understand that this isn't all about you."

Anakin almost shot back at Obi Wan's comment, feeling attacked. But when he thought about it, he heard Obi Wan's gentle tone in his mind and he knew. Obi Wan was right.

He looked at the Jedi with a defeated look. "I'll try."

"That's all I ask. You'll regret it if you don't."

Anakin nodded, looking tired. "Can I still eat alone?" he asked carefully.

"Of course," Obi Wan said, handing Anakin a bottle of water. "Don't hide forever though."

Obi Wan returned to Bail, sitting across from him and next to his daughter.

"Is he alright?" Bail asked, seeming slightly concerned.

The Jedi glanced at the door, nodding slowly. "He is. Alright, that is."

Bail glanced at his daughter looking thoughtful. Then he looked at Obi Wan with a similar look. "What happened to him?" Bail whispered. "Why did he betray the Jedi?"

Obi Wan studied his soup, stirring it slowly. He thought for a moment, trying to find the best way to explain the situation without being too personal on Anakin's behalf. Of course, the situation would run a lot smoother if Bail had all the details. He appeared to be warming up to the idea of Anakin being a part of Leia's life in a slight amount and that gave Obi Wan hope.

"He was promised a way to cheat death."

"He was dying?"

Obi Wan shook his head. "Padme."

Bail frowned, sipping his tea. "So then why did he try to murder her?"

The Jedi shut his eyes sadly. "Anakin didn't realize that his power came with a price. It was a poison to his mind. He couldn't control it. It was all completely senseless."

Bail shook his head. "That doesn't make it right."

"I never said it did."

The two men sat in silence for a moment, watching as the toddler ate. The child had soup dripping down her face and a broad smile upon her lips. They hadn't realized why she was smiling until they followed her gaze. Out the window.

There sat Anakin with his back against a rock, silently sipping bits of his soup. He looked at peace in that instant and it brought a small smile to Obi Wan's face.

"What are you looking at, Leia?"

Leia grinned, pointing at the window.

Both men nodded.

"It's time for your nap, Leia." Bail said finally, picking her up and swinging her over his shoulder. The child pouted at his words but let him carry her regardless.

Obi Wan caught Anakin's gaze watching them from outside. His heart broke for his friend in many places. All he wanted was his happiness.

The Jedi motioned him inside.

Anakin nodded slowly, picking up his belongings and disappearing around the corner. Moments later he walked into the house looking tired and sweaty.

"Hot day?"

Anakin nodded.

"Sit down," Obi Wan said kindly. "I think you and Bail need to discuss some things."

The younger man's face twisted in a look of hurt, due to Obi Wan's clear betrayal. Obi Wan had allowed himself to push Anakin again and he worried he was going too far with it. He just feared what would happen if Anakin took all matters into his own hands.

"Are my pushing you too much?" he asked quietly, meeting Anakin's eyes.

His younger brother swallowed, turning away. "No."

"Obi Wan, I-" Bail froze, seeing the unmasked Vader now sitting at the table. He had been in a similar situation that very morning and still couldn't swallow it well. The man didn't seem to be vicious or sinister in any way, but his face was unnerving. Bail wished Anakin would cover his face with something so he wouldn't have to look at his scars each time they saw each other. The marks on his face were not appealing, in fact, they were enough to take away one's appetite.

 _How does he not scare Leia?_

"Anakin," Bail said in the kindest voice he could muster. However, it was difficult to do so. Padme had been a dear friend of his, and to think this man tried to kill her sent chills all the way down his spine.

"Enough with introductions," Anakin whispered in a shaky voice. "We both know why we have to talk to each other. We both need to know where the other person stands."

Bail nodded. "I think it's fairly obvious. Leia is my daughter and you lost the right to her when you tried to kill her."

Obi Wan winced, knowing how much that had to sting in Anakin's soul. _It's okay_ , he said through the force. _I love you. Leia loves you. The light loves you._

"You're right," Anakin said, nearly choking on his words. "I would never ask you to hand her over to me."

Bail nodded, seeing his daughter sleeping in the other room, for the door was still open. "So, what are you asking?"

"What are you willing to give?"

Bail shook his head, biting the inside of his cheek. "You tried to kill her, Anakin. Why should you get anything?"

Obi Wan sighed aloud, letting his head fall. Bail clearly noticed and gave Obi Wan an annoyed look.

"Fair enough," Anakin said simply, rising from his seat and heading out the room. He grabbed something off the counter to take with him.

Once Anakin was out of sight, Obi Wan turned to Bail. "Why would you say that?"

Bail shook his head at Obi Wan. "There was nothing wrong with what I said."

"Can't you be a bit nicer about this?"

"No! I don't think I can." Bail said, standing up. "He doesn't deserve Leia and he's never going to lay a finger on her either. The man deserves death!"

Anakin swallowed slowly as he stood in the back room, pacing back and forth to calm himself. The movement was useless, however, because all he did was think.

But not with real thoughts. Real thoughts would solve the problem inside of him and help him see reason. Right now, all his thoughts seemed to wash out the common sense of the light and replace it with the darkness that gently infatuated him.

The first thought was simple. It didn't hurt anyone. It was simply saying the truth.

 _You should leave everyone alone, especially your kids._

The second thought was one that Anakin had enough strength to push back.

 _You should take Leia as your own. It's not like Bail would stand a chance._

Anakin's body tensed at the thought.

And then.

 _You should just die. You won't have to worry about anything ever again. You won't be in pain. You won't have to deal with your past. It will just be over._

Anakin glanced at the lightsaber of Darth Vader. He had taken it off the counter on his way in. He wasn't even thinking when he did but now he knew why. A sign.

This time Anakin said "yes."

 _The man deserves death._

 _The man deserves death._

 _The man deserves death._

 _Death._

 _Death._

It echoed in his mind as if the force was trying to warn him. Anxiety reached Obi Wan's chest and he shot from his seat.

 _The light side of the force would not try to get you to commit suicide._

 _And sick because...well I don't know. Maybe because I want to be sick. Maybe because I want to die._

 _I should be dead! Good people like Padme are dead and I am alive! It's not fair! Nothing is fair! Obi Wan, I can't live! I can't do this!_

"Anakin!" Obi Wan yelled approaching the room where Anakin was sitting on the floor wrapped up in a blanket. His eyes didn't meet Obi Wan's when he yelled. All he could see was the scarlet bladed lightsaber that he could activate at any moment. He held it to his chest, letting his fingers dance around the switch.

Obi Wan came up to him, trying to rip the weapon away. "Anakin! Give it to me! Give it up!"

Anakin shook his head viciously, holding the weapon tighter. "No! Get out! Stop it!"

"Anakin," he said softer this time, holding out his hand. "Hand me the weapon. Can we talk about this?"

Anakin shook his head again, falling into a heap on his hands and knees. He held the lightsaber under his body. "It's mine! I can do what I want!"

"Anakin, please think about this. Let us talk about this!"

His fingers trembled as he gripped it, becoming dangerously close to pulling it. "STAND BACK, OBI WAN!" He screamed, panting.

The younger man stood shakily to his feet, backing up the corner of the room. His entire body shook more and more violently with each painful step. He chest felt as cold as ice. He leaned against the wall, letting the numbness take over. _It's okay. It will all be over soon._

Anakin held the weapon firmly upon his chest, counting down the seconds until he would pull it.

"Please Anakin...listen to me-"

"I can't! Go away! I just want peace!"

"You aren't going to get it this way."

"What do YOU know?"

Obi Wan walked closer, keeping an open hand outstretched to his friend. "You aren't thinking right now. Don't you remember that list we made? What about Luke and Leia? What about all your friends who would want you to live? What about me?"

Anakin shook his head, staring at Obi Wan bitterly. "It doesn't matter," he whispered. "I can't believe your selfishness!"

Obi Wan's eyes filled with tears at the sight. Anakin was dead serious. "Listen carefully Anakin." he pleaded. "Please think about this first. What about Luke? You can still have Luke!"

"He's better off," Anakin said, squeezing the handle of his saber tighter. "Everyone is."

In a moment, everything seemed to go painfully slow. A horrified shriek erupted from Tatooine's surface as a red blade split through.

* * *

 **Hi.**

 **Lyrics: _Fire Fire_ by Flyleaf. **

**I'll probably update tomorrow night.**

 **Love** ya **,**

 **Jenna**


	22. Chapter 21

**Twenty-one**

 _We can't die because we're young_

 _At least that's what we heard in a song_

* * *

Obi Wan's eyes filled with tears at the sight. Anakin was dead serious. "Listen carefully Anakin." he pleaded. "Please think about this first. What about Luke? You can still have Luke!"

"He's better off," Anakin said, squeezing the handle of his saber tighter. "Everyone is."

In a moment, everything seemed to go painfully slow. A horrified shriek erupted from Tatooine's surface as a red blade split through.

* * *

A cold breath escaped Obi Wan's chapped lips, latching onto the humidity of his Tatooine homestead. His heart raced inside of him, pounding so loud that he couldn't hear Bail Organa's words. He couldn't hear anything. Only his panic. The moment was long gone but it wouldn't stop spinning in motion.

 _He's dead_ , the back of his mind whispered. _How could you believe his heart would ever come alive again?_

Obi Wan caught the words 'Leia' and 'Anakin' coming from Bail, but they sounded like strangers. Maybe because it was like that now. Strange. _Progress. We made progress. But not enough progress. I started to let go. I started to believe he was okay and he didn't need me._

"You didn't do anything wrong," Bail told him gently, standing in the doorway. "You saved him."

The Jedi's eyes glanced around the room, processing the image of a blurry lightsaber laying on the ground. He spotted Anakin's cloak hanging in the closet. He could see a familiar leather journal placed beside him.

And lastly, he could see Anakin resting on the far right. Breathing. In and out. His chest would rise and then fall. But Obi Wan still felt hollow.

Everything was gone. All the progress Anakin had made. All the strength that he had gained. Gone. Just as before, when Vader killed Anakin.

His heart still beat but he wasn't living. He still didn't want to be living. He was only alive because he had fallen asleep in exhaustion.

Obi Wan took the cloak from the closet and placed it over Anakin who appeared to be ice cold. But not dead.

But not alive.

* * *

 _Why am I alive?_

 _The answer is simple. Obi Wan just barely took my wrists with his grip, guiding the blade toward a different direction. My shoulder. I guess he believes I'm better off alive, alone, and with an injured shoulder. I don't remember what happening last night after my shoulder was brushed by that scarlet blade, but I know that Obi Wan is wrong to think I should still be alive after everything._

 _I woke up about an hour ago. Obi Wan hasn't noticed yet. All I know is the door is locked, my lightsaber is gone and all he left was my journal and the dullest pencil I've ever seen in my life. Clearly, he doesn't want to leave me with anything capable of murder._

 _That's a lie. If I let myself go I could probably allow my body to take control and then my heart would probably explode in shock. There's so much that I've always been good at holding back. It covers my lungs with ink._

 _This is probably the sixth time I tried to kill myself. The funny thing is, two of them were before the death of my mother. See, I've always been messed up. Maybe it's the slavery. Maybe it's the Jedi. I don't know. All I know is that I'm getting used to wanting to die. Is that okay? Are my okay?_

 _What kind of stupid question is that?_

 _Yesterday was extremely difficult. A part of me had never felt better. Another part felt like all the wind was knocked out of my stomach and nobody loved me even in the slightest. I was caught up in a violent wave of jealousy. Jealousy of Bail for Leia's attention and Obi Wan's._

 _The truth is that Obi Wan gave me more attention than any typical person would need. Every time he wasn't speaking to me I felt like disappearing._

 _I know that's not healthy. I had the same problem with Padme._

 _It wasn't that I didn't love her. I loved my wife above everything. My life. My heart. My mind. And maybe that was the problem. My feelings weren't healthy. My problem wasn't the absence of love but the unhealthy obsession that came with it. Clinging onto one person to fill the gap of an entire heart is putting all your eggs in one basket. When they break there is nothing left that's strong._

 _Now with Obi Wan, I have the same problem. He is my reason to live in every moment. I have the list but the list is Obi Wan. I am such a mess. I need help. I need someone. I need to be healthy. I need to think healthily. I need to breathe in fresh air. What is wrong with me? Why is everything wrong with me?_

"You're awake?"

Anakin glanced up, his eyes swimming in a dead fog. Obi Wan didn't look any better. It was like someone he cared about had died. All Anakin could see was Obi Wan condemning him. Him being the cause of Obi Wan's sadness. Him causing Obi Wan this. All he could see was that he needed to get out of Obi Wan's way and die.

Anakin nodded, answering Obi Wan's question.

Obi Wan sat down beside him, studying him. "Can we talk?"

Anakin hugged his knees to his chest, breathing deeply. He nodded. "Yes."

"Do you feel anything different today?"

Anakin shook his head quickly, pulling himself farther back from Obi Wan. "I feel the same. I just don't have a weapon."

The Jedi sighed softly, reaching out for Anakin.

His hand was quickly pushed away as Anakin shrunk back even farther.

Obi Wan was filled with sorrow when he realized that Anakin was back to where he used to be. Back to when he wouldn't let Obi Wan touch him.

The Jedi took a deep breath. "I know you don't believe me but I will always repeat these words to you, Anakin." The boy looked away. "You are good. You are my friend. I love you. I trust you. You are special. You are brave. You are worthy of my friendship. You have people who love you. You have a heart that keeps beating every time you try to die. The light always prevents it."

Anakin still wouldn't look at Obi Wan.

"Read that journal entry I wrote you. Read that list we began to make. Make more. I love you, Anakin. You are too important to die."

Silence.

"Just let me know if you want to talk," he said softly, hoping Anakin would give in eventually. Anakin nodded, laying back down on the floor without a sound.

 _I am with you. Don't push me away. Why would you ever push me away?_

The only thing heard in the room was Anakin's breathing. His life.

But the light heard more. It heard his heartbeat and it heard the melody of his soul. It could hear the pieces of his mind snapping together and falling apart. It could hear the venomous screams of a broken little boy and the desperate cry for a hope that wanted to be set free that came from a man.

 _I was with you and you took me in, but the second you felt like you were being attacked, you just let yourself be attacked. I am here for you and the second anything but the light seemed to get under your skin you just gave up. I asked you not to let go. Why won't you trust me? You've let yourself dictate everything. Don't you see that you need the light to guide you?_

Silence wrapped around the room.

 _Don't you hear the heartbeat in your chest? That's me. That's your life in one single sound. You are alive for a reason, Anakin. You can be free and you can be happy. Trust me. Give into life and it will give back to you._

Anakin let out a quiet cry, covering up his eyes. _I'm sorry._

The light applauded him, edging closer. _All you must say is 'yes.'_

He looked away, making a pained face. "Why do I want to die, light?"

The light didn't hesitate to answer. _You want to die because you locked yourself away from everything that has meaning in your life. You're so scared of hurting that you keep yourself from the joy that your heart needs._

 _Well, how do I stop? How can dissolve the fear of being hurt? Of hurting?_

 _By facing it. By opening your heart and witnessing that a person can love without being hurt._

 _That's so hard._

Anakin wrapped himself in the blanket, pushing himself up against the wall. He had laid all day without motivation to move. It took a lot of strength to move from that position.

 _Be an optimist._

Anakin rolled his eyes.

 _I'm not that kind of person._

 _You can be._

 _No. I can't._

 _Open your heart. Let in what comes to you._

Anakin shook his head tiredly, staring down at the floor.

When he looked up he could tell that the light had stepped back a bit. It hadn't left him, of course, but it had stepped back and made room for his heart to grow. The site before Anakin told him what that would be.

The child's dark chocolate eyes stared up at him as if they were reading the pages of his soul. She wore a mischievous grin, clearly not being allowed to enter the room in the first place.

Anakin sighed, knowing that she hadn't come in the room for no reason.

"Hello, Leia," he said, bothered by how raspy his voice sounded.

The girl smiled softly, walking a little closer. "Play, Dada?"

A loud drum seemed to be hit in his chest at her words and all he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and never let her go. Anakin silently shook his head.

The girl shook her head back, sitting down in front of him. She wore a lacey white dress and had her hair in two short braids. Anakin decided that this was Leia thinking that no to playing meant yes to talking. Anakin half wanted to kiss her face and half wanted to scream for Bail and Obi Wan to get her out. But his heart couldn't take the child's tears again.

 _What memory do you want her to have of you? You pushing her away? Do you want her to have a bad memory of you?_

 _I know it will be hard on you, but you must understand that this isn't all about you._

"Alright," Anakin said quietly, sitting across from the girl. "You can stay."

The child flashed him a triumphant grin, coming a few inches closer.

"Why do you keep calling me Dada?" Anakin asked her.

The child smiled, suggesting that it was obvious. "Dada," she whispered softly, placing her hand on his boot.

"Aren't I scary?"

"No."

"Leia?"

She smiled.

"Why not?"

"Dada," she said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Because I'm Dada?" he asked carefully.

She nodded.

"Oh."

The child stood up suddenly, coming closer to him. In an instant, he found the girl sitting in his lap, looking rather comfortable.

 _Force! What do I do?_

 _Be an optimist._

 _Shut up! What do I really do?_

The child smiled up at him, pressing a finger to his chin and smiling.

 _It's going to hurt,_ he told the force.

 _Trust, Anakin._

Leia took one of his large hands and pushed her small head into it. She then proceeded to curl up into a ball and close her eyes.

 _Please don't let her fall asleep._

Within seconds Leia's breathing steadied, and she fell asleep.

Anakin sighed. _Thanks a lot._

 **Hello, everyone:)**

 **Lyrics: _Fire Fire_ by Flyleaf**

 **I'm posting early since I'm going to in D.C. all weekend, I hope you enjoyed it. There should be another chapter next Friday (not tomorrow, the 6th.) I love love your reviews and love love you. Have a wonderful weekend and wonderful week.**

 **Jenna**


	23. Chapter 22

**_Twenty-two_**

 _All I ever needed was a reason to believe_

 _You help me hold on_

 _You ignite the fire in me_

* * *

"I feel responsible for what happened." Bail whispered to Obi Wan, sitting across from him. "What I said was cruel and I should have found a better way to put it."

"You spoke the truth," Obi Wan said in return. "It was cruel, but regardless of that, it was true."

Bail nodded. "Yes, I know. But clearly, I pushed him over the ledge."

Obi Wan stirred his cup of tea, throwing the viceroy and sympathetic smile. "He was already over the edge, your words just caused him to let go. You didn't make him suicidal, Bail."

Organa nodded, looking toward the room, he knew Anakin was in. Obi Wan had explained briefly what had happened and Bail still wasn't sure what to think. On one hand, he was worried for Leia. The child had grown easily attached to him, even though he kept pushing her away, and Bail worried what would happen to the girl if something were to really happen to the man. Even when he reached the edge of death, Leia knew. The girl erupted in terrified screams, so loud that they almost made the room shake, all because she knew. If Anakin were to die Bail was afraid of what it would do to her.

On the other hand, Bail was worried about Anakin too. He had found it difficult to accept Anakin since he arrived on Tatooine, but now he was having second thoughts. Based on what Obi Wan had told him, Anakin wasn't the selfish monster that he was made out to be in Polis Massa. In fact, Obi Wan seemed to speak of him fondly as if he had forgiven him for all the lives he had taken and all the things he did to the galaxy.

Bail turned to the side, reaching out to Leia to make sure she was alright. But when he turned, he found that she wasn't there. He immediately panicked, looking up at Obi Wan in alarm.

Obi Wan seemed perfectly calm. "What is it?" he asked.

"Leia's gone," Bail said, standing to his feet.

Obi Wan followed him, carrying a perfectly calm demeanor. "I'm sure she isn't far."

The viceroy turned to the Jedi, raising his eyebrows. "You know where she is, don't you?"

The Jedi sighed, turning toward the back of the home, standing in front of the room where Anakin apparently was sleeping. For a moment Bail was afraid, but the calm look in Obi Wan's disposition calmed him down.

"She's with him?" Bail asked wearily.

Obi Wan nodded, cracking the door.

Sure enough, there lay Leia in the crook of Anakin's elbow, breathing in a steady breath of sleep. Anakin had also given into his fatigue and lay back against a pillow, his hand resting in Leia's hair, and his other arms holding her to his chest defensively. Even in sleep, Bail was surprised to see how gently Anakin held onto the child, as if he would fight the entire galaxy to keep her safe.

A part of him believed he would.

"She's alright," Obi Wan told him, stepping back so he could have a closer look. Anakin's mechanical hands gripped her with a softness, showing ownership and affection. This image filled Bail with dread. "I promise," finished Obi Wan.

To his displeasure, Bail knew that Obi Wan was right.

* * *

Anakin woke up to an orange sunset filling up the room through the window. His eyes were met by an orange glow on a child's cheek and a rosy smile on her delicate little lips. His heart fluttered at the sight and his soul shrank back in a delighted fear.

The girl's eyes fluttered open, looking at her father with a soft gaze. "Dada," she whispered so faintly that Anakin could barely hear it, but he knew what she was saying.

"You shouldn't be in here," he whispered, stroking her dark strands of hair gently. "Your father must be worried."

Leia didn't respond much more than placing her head on Anakin's elbow. She sighed, refusing to move. Anakin, however, felt an overwhelming need to rip away.

"I'm serious, Leia," he said quietly, lifting her from her spot and placing her beside him. "You need to go."

The child was unbothered by his comment or action and smiled at him, looking giddy.

Suddenly, Anakin's heart seemed to shatter inside of him at the look in her eyes. They looked so much like the angel he had once loved and he couldn't take it. Even though he wanted to pull away he knew he couldn't. This is what he must let in. This child. No Matter how much it would hurt when she would be ripped away.

"Leia, I love you so much," he whispered, a crystal tear sliding down his face. The child came forth to touch his heart and she kissed his cheek where the tear had been. Anakin couldn't breathe. "Oh child, don't ever let go," he whispered, pulling her tightly into his arms and listening to her strong heartbeat. His heart burned to love this little girl and all he could do was just that. Love her.

Leia giggled softly, poking her finger to Anakin's neck. Anakin flinched back, looking at her in shock.

She grinned.

"That tickled," he whispered to her.

She nodded, coming toward him again and tickling him some more. Anakin hated every minute of it and immediately lifted her above his head, far away from any place she could reach. She giggled madly above him, flailing her arms and legs all over the place. Anakin gave her a soft grin.

"Fly!" she said loudly, causing Anakin to laugh.

"Alright," he told her, lifting her up and spinning her around in a circle.

Though Anakin wasn't fond of tickling, he was found of this. "What are you that you can fly?" Anakin asked her, giving her a cheeky smile.

She shrugged.

"How about a starfighter?"

"Starflyer!" she replied, incorrectly pronouncing it. Anakin loved it.

"Alright, here comes Princess Leia the Starflyer!"

She laughed, letting her hair fly forward to cover her face. She had never looked so happy in her entire life.

At least that's what Bail Organa thought as he stood in the doorway watching. He looked down, knowing he had already lost his daughter. He had lost her the moment she was born. The force had linked her and her father together. There was no doubt of that. Bail just didn't know if he could accept it.

He sat down next to Obi Wan who was also witnessing Anakin and Leia. "Obi Wan, are my wrong to rip her away from him?"

Obi Wan glanced at Anakin, who was smiling more than he had seen in years. He sighed, wanting to cry. "I'm not the person to ask, Bail. I'm a bit biased."

The viceroy nodded, biting down hard on his lip. "She's never been this happy. Never. I've played with her like that and she never even seemed that happy about it."

Obi Wan gave Bail a small thrown. "I don't know what to say."

From the other room, Anakin still held onto Leia, looking at her skeptically. "Aren't you tired of this?"

Leia shook her head.

"No? You aren't dizzy?"

Leia giggled, putting a small hand on each of his cheeks. "Dada," she said, kissing him lightly on the nose. "Love you."

Anakin looked down and tears flowed freely. "Love you too," he said softly, smiling through his tears, feeling alive for once in a long time.

* * *

Bail sighed, turning away from them. "I'm going to contact Breha," he said sadly.

Obi Wan nodded, watching as Bail left the front door.

Dinner flew by quickly. Anakin sat with the group this time, keeping his eyes on Leia nonstop. Leia happily returned the favor.

Obi Wan could see how much this bothered Bail. He could also see the packed-up suitcases Bail had sitting by the door and this made his heart sink. No. Not now. Not when everything is so good.

For Anakin. Not for Bail.

Once everyone was finished Bail stood up from his seat, directing his gaze at Obi Wan. "I thank you for having us, Obi Wan. You have helped me understand a lot about Leia. I think things will be able to go back to normal now."

He didn't dare to meet Anakin's gaze.

"It's time to go, Leia," Bail said, picking her up from her chair. She immediately began to sob, trying to push his adopted father away.

"No! No! No!"

Bail sighed, flashing the child a hurt look. Leia seemed to ignore it. "I'm sorry, Leia. It's time to go. Don't you miss Mommy?"

Leia responded by crying harder. Bail held her to his chest, picking up their bags and swinging them over his shoulder. He then turned to wave at Obi Wan, only meeting Anakin's gaze for a moment. "Thanks again for having us," he said, and in an instant, the door had slammed closed.

Now Obi Wan and Anakin sat silently at the table, each staring at the door in shock. _That was quick_ , Obi Wan observed. Bail clearly wasn't going to give anything to Anakin.

Against his better judgment, Obi Wan glanced at Anakin. The happy tears of earlier hours had dissipated and were now replaced with bitter, angry tears. Anakin looked like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

When Anakin noticed Obi Wan, his eyes grew heavier and he whimpered quietly, wiping away tears with his eyes.

"Anakin," he said quietly, reaching out his hand to him. This time Anakin didn't pull away, but Obi Wan could tell he didn't like it, so he pulled it back.

The younger man heaved in his throat, closing his eyes as tightly as he could. "I told you," he began, but he couldn't continue. Placing his hands over his heart, he slipped from the chair and landed on his knees. Then he began weeping hysterically, ignoring any words that Obi Wan could offer him.

Obi Wan kneeled down next to him, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him. At first, Anakin seemed upset by the action, but with time he sank into it, letting his emotions pour out on Obi Wan.

Progress.

Anakin gripped Obi Wan robe, wiping his eyes on it. "I don't know what I'm going to do…" Anakin began, blinking back another flood. "I can't...I just…" he sighed. "Can I see Luke?" he asked, meeting Obi Wan's eyes.

Obi Wan put a hand on Anakin's shoulder, nodding.

"Tomorrow."

* * *

 **Hello,**

 **Sorry for the wait. I promise I'll have another chapter Wednesday. This chapter was a bit fluffy but after all the pain I thought some fluff was necessary. But ya know, I kept it nice and bitter-sweet. In a few weeks, we'll finally reach part two and I'm so excited.**

 **The lyrics are from _I Want to Live_ by Skillet.**

 **I appreciate all your reviews, especially the critical ones.**

 **Have a wonderful day,**

 **Jenna**


	24. Chapter 23

**Twenty-Three**

 _What you confuse for glorious fire_

 _Is fire from the tongues of liars_

* * *

"You have to understand Bail's side of this. He has raised Leia since she was an infant. You have no idea how attached a father can get to his child, especially after that long."

Anakin shook his head, ignoring Obi Wan's words. Obi Wan didn't know the first thing about having a child.

"Dark chocolate?"

Anakin nodded. "Are you sure about Beru?" he asked finally, putting a handful of chocolate in his mouth.

Obi Wan nodded. "According to her, it's all up to me."

"What about Owen?"

The Jedi grew silent.

"Whatever, Obi Wan. If it's up to you then what happens today?"

"Well Luke can heal your remaining injuries and you can spend the day with him. I'm sorry, but we aren't bringing him back with us."

Anakin nodded, glancing at Obi Wan with an understanding gaze.

"You know it's not fair to them either?"

"Owen and Beru?"

Anakin's gaze grew icy. "Well, yes," he said. "But I'm talking about Luke and Leia. They should at least grow up with each other."

"We kept them separate to keep them safe from you and your master. Once the Empire is defeated everything will change."

"Once?"

"The rebellion is growing stronger, Anakin. And eventually, I was hoping you'd consider joining them."

Anakin swallowed, shivering. "That's rather ironic though."

Obi Wan nodded, sitting across from Anakin. "It is, I know. But you would be such an asset to the rebellion. If anyone can destroy this empire, you can."

Anakin shut his eyes, feeling the tension build up behind his eyes. "Obi Wan, I don't think so. I don't want to fight. I don't want to get anywhere near the empire."

The Jedi nodded. "I know, Anakin. But don't you think it's the least you could do? Just help?"

Anakin grew silent. "I don't want to fight," he said finally.

"You don't have to." Obi Wan told him. "You don't," he said again reassuringly.

For a moment Anakin sat still, listening to the stillness of the quiet room. He hadn't had a chance to collect his thoughts before throwing himself at Leia. Rather when she threw herself at him. This time he knew where he was going. He had his steps calculated.

Yet he had no idea what he would say, or do, or if he should even do anything.

He bit hard on his lip, pushing his plate away from him and sighing deeply. An overwhelming weight of being so near to death came over his eyes and he had to wince back a scream. It was like his screams in the hills were all choked back by the sands and nothing had changed. The weight was back now in heavier amounts and he wasn't even trying to fight it.

Maybe the light was right. He had failed the goodness by pushing it back when the light seemed to vanish. But the light hadn't run away. Only he ran away. He was so good at it now. He had grown good at least at that one thing.

Running. From the Jedi to a place where he felt safe. To the Sith because he needed to rescue that safety. To himself because the safety was gone and he couldn't allow himself to believe there could be another safety. That was all there was to it. He was constantly running away from what was good and running to things that weren't. Even his relationship with Padme had its cracks because his obsession nearly killed him. All his doing. She was perfect and good and kind. And he decided now that he should have been running the other way. She was made of glass and he decided to throw her to the ground.

The light had a relentless plead sent out in the Tatooine air. It hit Anakin in his throat and made him feel like he was trapped in a tight place. But that was an illusion, of course. The light wouldn't hurt. The light wasn't going to trap. He had the free will to walk away at any time but that didn't mean the light didn't want him. The light was a safety but he wanted to run away.

"Teach me to hold back and not push you so much," Obi Wan said finally, clearly still focused on the rebellion. Once he said it he realized that Anakin wasn't even thinking of that anymore and was off in another realm of fear and freedom. His choice.

Anakin glanced up, diverting his eyes to the wall. "It's fine."

Obi Wan shook his head. "No, it isn't. Remember what happened last time I pushed too hard?"

"That wasn't you!"

"Regardless."

"Of what?"

"I don't want to push you over the edge."

The younger man breathed. "Because of my fragility?"

Obi Wan looked at him steadily, not sure what answer Anakin wanted. So, he told the truth. "Yes."

Anakin's eyes fell to the glass in front of him and he tried not to imagine Padme's shattering heart in his mind. The shards of glass too keenly touched his face. He blinked back the sharp edges.

Fragility.

"Don't think I don't see your strength. You keep going. After all of this. You have seen reason and now you want a life, are my right?"

"A life." Anakin echoed back.

Having a life alone was worth nothing. A good life was worth much. A hard life was worth some. A tragic like was worth little. A happy life was worth something. Something that Anakin had never known.

"Are you afraid?"

Anakin swallowed, pushing his eyes away from his friend. When their eyes met Anakin felt sick. What kind of question did the man think he was asking anyway?

 _No, I'm not scared. What could possibly go wrong? Everything else has gone so right._

"Yes."

Below his expression, he wore a shivering child, terrified of nothing but himself. _I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I don't want to believe beautiful lies._

"Of what?" Obi Wan asked, with a tone that indicated that he didn't need a real answer.

Anakin gave him one, nevertheless. "What if Beru breaks her promise? What if her husband makes her?"

Obi Wan gave Anakin a small smile. "She won't. He won't."

"What if I don't believe that? How can one side be so reluctant and another be so willing?"

"What?"

"Bail versus Beru."

"Oh," Obi Wan said softly. "I don't know. Perhaps because Owen and Beru are your family. Even if you would take Luke from them, they would still have him as a nephew."

"I hadn't even thought of that."

"The only reason they are reluctant is because they are fearful."

"Of me?"

"Of the Sith."

Anakin's eyes fell shut as if he was falling asleep, but instead, he was resting so he could carefully refuel his much-needed strength. Regardless of Obi Wan's protests, Anakin didn't feel very optimistic.

 _Be an optimist._

 _No._

"Can we go now?" Anakin asked, standing up.

Obi Wan nodded. "Right now."

* * *

"Coming here?"

"Owen, we talked about this. I made a promise and you didn't stop me."

Her husband scoffed. "How could I? You didn't let me interrupt you."

Beru looked down at her nephew who wore a small smile. He had been quietly playing under the kitchen table with a model x-wing for the last hour.

"How many times have you let Kenobi deceive you?"

"He has never deceived me!" Beru shot back, anger rising. "I'm in control of my decisions and choices and I know right from wrong. Anakin is family and if he is decent enough to raise his own child I don't think we should stop that. I trust the Jedi's judgment."

"Well, I don't."

"Of course not. Just think about what's best for Luke. Don't you think he deserves to be raised by his own father?"

Luke looked up at the mention of his name, smiling at his uncle.

Owen sighed, looking sorry. "Beru…"

"It's fine, Owen. I get it. Consider Luke, please."

Her husband nodded, looking angered still. "Why would you trust his judgment over mine?"

"Because he knows Anakin a lot better than you do."

By now Luke had fallen asleep underneath the table just as a knock was heard at the front door.

"I'll get it," said Owen, looking calmer now.

"Okay," she said, placing Luke on the couch.

* * *

 **Hi! I don't have anything interesting to say. Have a good day!**

 **Lyrics: _Fire Fire_ by Flyleaf. **

**Jenna**


	25. Chapter 24

**Twenty-Four**

 _Trying to be something new,_

 _You'll feel that you had something to prove_

* * *

Owen Lars looked upon Anakin Skywalker, feeling twisted up and sorrowful at the sight. He hardly knew the man but the sight gave him chills as his mind drifted to the image of a younger Anakin with tear-filled eyes kneeling by his mother's grave. Now his handsome face was ripped to shreds, peeled away, and twisted almost. It made Owen wonder if Luke could handle it.

But then he remembered that Luke had done so several weeks before.

"Anakin," he said carefully, motioning for him and Kenobi to enter, though he wasn't exactly pleased.

He thought he heard a quiet "thank you" come from the man, but otherwise, his voice blended with the wind and was unheard.

"You're here to take Luke," Owen stated.

"I'm here to see him," a faint voice responded, lacking the deepness that Owen remembered back when Anakin was nineteen.

"Luke's asleep," Beru's voice broke in, looking at Anakin with a kind gaze. She was always such a compassionate being. Owen needed a girl like that when he had such a tendency to be cold and stubborn.

Anakin nodded.

Obi Wan stood behind him in silence, seemingly allowing Anakin to take the lead. He wore a calm and kind disposition that made Owen feel a sense of reassurance.

Catching Owen off guard, Anakin began making his way toward the living room and Luke. For a moment he almost stopped him, grabbing him and pushing him to the ground. Of course, he knew Beru wouldn't be happy, and he also knew that Anakin had an advantage even with his injuries.

Obi Wan glanced at Owen, nodding carefully. "Go ahead, Anakin. We'll wait here."

First impressions can define that undying joy or unending sorrow of an entire relationship. One can lead to an interaction of fear and coldness and another can bring something true and abound in overflowing victory. One impression can follow with an answer and another can follow with a question.

With Leia, Anakin hadn't had a chance to prepare himself. Their first interaction was filled with a bitter jealousy and a cold-like reluctance. He had marched ahead of her, trying with great amounts to avoid her.

Luke would be different.

In this instance, he had several advantages. One was the permission of the guardians. Another was preparation.

This time he felt secure in everything. He didn't fear the child's reaction to his appearance. He didn't fear that he would be in trouble for interacting with him. And he didn't fear that Luke would hate him. Not completely, anyway.

But he wasn't without fear.

Anakin nearly wobbled as he made his way into the living room, feeling his face heat up and his eyes burn with readiness. He could already feel the child's presence. It was the same one he had felt before, back when he had absentmindedly forgot about killing Kenobi. Back when he felt a small degree of peace. The presence hadn't changed in the slightest. It carried peace, acceptance, and excitement.

He could already hear Luke's soft breathing and feel his heartbeat flow through his mind. It seemed to connect with his own and he felt the pace lessen but in a calming way. His body felt like it was drifting. Drifting into the light itself.

When he saw Luke, he couldn't help but smile at the sight. The small child lay on the couch on his side, looking straight at him with eyes filled with blazing love and affection. It was as if he had been waiting for him since the day he was born.

 _Because he was_ , the light whispered.

Anakin shivered.

"Hello, Luke," he said quietly, feeling slightly awkward.

The child didn't mind. He sat up and smiled at him, dauntlessly easing toward him.

"Hello," he said back, waving a small hand.

Anakin wanted to hug him to death.

Apparently so did Luke, as he began approaching his father without stopping, sloppily wrapping arms around prosthetic legs.

This was Luke. His healer. His small salvation. His son that came from him. Him, the monster. But his son was a perfect being. Perfect for his smile and his eyes. His heart and his mind. His presence and his laugh. The dimple on his chin and the sloppy way he walked.

 _Nothing like his father._

 _Everything like his father._

The boy placed a small hand on his father's leg, smiling at him broadly. "Hi," he said energetically, smiling even bigger.

Anakin breathed, shrinking down till he was eye to eye with the boy. "Hi, little one. Do you have any idea how special you are?"

The child looked at his father without a response more than reaching out to touch his father's face. "Better," he whispered, poking Anakin's cheek.

"I heard you can do that. Make people better."

The child nodded, looking determined.

"You don't have to do that, ya know," Anakin said, letting Luke fall into his lap. "I have a feeling you can do a lot more in here," he pointed to his own chest, "than you can out here." He placed his hand on his own cheek, feeling weak.

Luke kissed his cheek.

"Kay," Luke finally said, apparently agreeing to just be with him. "Daddy?" he then asked, to confirm that Anakin was who he believed he was.

The man nodded. "Yes. However, I can't see how. You're so perfect and I'm so…" Luke narrowed his eyes. "Me."

The child bit his lip, not preparing Anakin for what he would do next. Suddenly, he was launching himself at him, not staying quiet in the process. At first, Anakin thought he was going to hit him but he was relieved to find Luke wrapped around him in an embrace.

Anakin looked up to see Obi Wan, Owen, and Beru all standing in the doorway with very different reactions. They must have heard Luke yell.

"Everything alright in here?" Beru asked.

"Good, Auntie," Luke mumbled, not moving. Her and Obi Wan let the topic drop. Owen didn't.

"Luke?" he asked again.

Luke nodded, momentarily turning away from Anakin. "Good," he said sternly.

Owen glanced at Anakin again trying to reassure himself that the young man was trustworthy. But, how could he? This man had spent the last two years of his life tormenting the galaxy, killing children, and enslaving people! How could he just accept that?

Owen met that very man's eyes, seeing a focused expression form on his face. He looked like he wanted to run. Fly. Escape. Owen didn't doubt that such a thing would involve Luke too. Why was this so difficult?

Anakin met his gaze with a quiet glance. It seemed to hold a loneliness that only a child could fill. Owen wished that he didn't care.

"Can we talk for a moment?" a voice whispered behind him. He turned to see Kenobi.

"Alright," he replied, following Obi Wan outside.

Owen stepped out of the house and into the outer light. It was still before noon and the planet felt quiet. All Owen saw was a passing ship from far away and two suns looking down at him like eyes.

"I hope you understand that he's not here to take Luke. He just wants to see him." Obi Wan's voice said kindly, breaking through the sun's glare.

The man looked at the Jedi, feeling trapped. "But we both know that's what he really wants."

"Of course, that's what he wants. But Anakin isn't ready for him yet. He knows that too." Suddenly the Jedi's eyes reflecting the eyes of the sky and Owen wanted to run with Luke. Kenobi would take him in the end even if he said "no." Kenobi would take him.

"I just don't want him to hurt Luke." He finally told the Jedi.

"I know. He won't. I promise."

Owen scoffed, not believing his words. He never would trust a Jedi Knight. He never would. Each Jedi had a self-indulgent tendency and pretended to be humble only to receive what they desired. They could and would take what they believed was theirs and would shrink down to even mess with a man's mind to do so.

"I hope you're right for Luke's sake." Owen spat, crossing his arms.

"Anakin won't hurt him," Obi Wan promised. "That I can guarantee."

Time seemed to pass on forever and all at once as Anakin sat with the child. Each part of the boy was a new excitement that would flash behind his father's soft eyes. Each piece that made Luke an individual, even at 2 years old, was something Anakin couldn't piece together in himself. The child was like looking at purity itself. That same purity was willing to wrap its arms around a human disaster, failing and falling with each breath. The purity smiles at him regardless of his sins and lusts and pain and instead extends a hand with purity and truth.

Truth after truth. Purity after purity.

Anakin loved the way Luke laughed and spoke. His words were few, for he was only 2 years of age, but they counted as a million words in Anakin's soul. They felt like a cozy blanket being wrapped around a wet and shivering man. They touched the center of his heart and bandaged things that Anakin was completely unaware of.

"Better?" Luke asked, putting a warm hand on his father's chest.

Anakin felt the warm fingerprints against his skin and he felt like ice. But when he looked inside himself he could see that each touch and word was creating a chain. It was reaching farther to the place that his heart had fallen into and soon it could be pulled back into place.

Soon.

"Better," Anakin confirmed, feeling the shadows disappear. His words didn't lie. He was growing better with each second. "But not all better," he said a little softer. "Daddy hurt himself really badly."

Luke snuggled closer, closing his eyes to show that he felt safe. Anakin couldn't understand how he could be trusted.

Suddenly the boy looked up and raised his eyebrows as if to say, "why?"

"I don't know," Anakin whispered, leaning against the wall. "I guess I took something that I thought would take away the pain but it only made it worse."

Strangely, Luke didn't look confused.

"Candy." the toddler mumbled.

"Yes, like candy."

Anakin could hear the footsteps of Luke's family members in the hallway. He could sense their displeasure and their hatred. He could tell that Beru was scared despite her words and he could tell that Owen was a lot more against him being here that he appeared, which was saying a lot. He could tell Obi Wan didn't know how to fix it.

 _Should I leave?_ He asked Obi Wan through their connection.

Luke leaned closer, blinking his long eyelashes closed.

 _Is that what you want?_

Anakin glanced at the little one he held.

 _No._

"I think you've been here long enough," came Owen's voice as he entered the room, only to see Luke about to fall asleep in Anakin's lap. "I think it's time you head home for dinner."

Anakin's knee-jerk reaction was to snap at him, look him straight in the eye and say a firm "no." He could lash out and have a tantrum, but where would that get him? Not with Luke, that's for sure.

Instead, Anakin stood up and brushed the dirt off his pants, feeling slightly hurt by his stepbrother's coldness. He had easily forgotten that he had a stepbrother over the years. Being back on Tatooine was the only opportunity he had to know the man.

But that is hard to do when you're not liked.

"Alright, thank you for allowing this," he said in a sincere but rehearsed sounding voice. A part of him truly wanted to grab Luke and run.

Owen simply nodded, carrying Luke away. That simple action made Anakin's chest fall as if in a last breath. He felt dead inside and he wanted to die.

But then Luke looked back at him with a broad smile and detached his hand from Owen's and came running toward Anakin instead. "Better?" the boy asked.

"Yeah," Anakin replied.

The boy shook his head and put his finger on Anakin's face, indicating to the damaged skin. Anakin sighed, not wanting Luke to give more of himself than he had to. This was far too much a burden for a little boy to bare.

"Please," he said.

Owen looked extremely annoyed.

Anakin glanced at his stepbrother as if to ask for permission.

Owen stepped back feeling like he was being betrayed by his nephew. "Fine."

Luke came closer to Anakin, pressing both of his hands to his father's cheeks. Then it began.

* * *

 **Lyrics: Fire Fire by Flyleaf**

 **I feel really bad for not updating sooner. I always promise myself I won't be one of those writers that forget to update because I know it sucks on the other end. It sucks on both ends. I promise, though, that it will not be a reoccurring thing. You will have another chapter next Friday like you're supposed to.**

 **Also, everyone is asking about Ahsoka and when/if she'll show up in the story. First of all, yes, she absolutely will show up in the story. I can't say it will be very soon but it will happen. I have her first scene written so I can state as a fact that she is in the story. I made a point to put her name down as a main character. It will, however, be a long road until that time comes so I hope you guys will stick to it till then.**

 **Love you all,**

 **Jenna**


	26. Chapter 25

**Twenty-Five**

 _Sorrow lasts through the night._

 _JOY WILL COME!_

* * *

To be one with light is a virtue of generous cleansing, only ever acquired by the few immersed in their own heart's beating. The shaking of an unsteady human can temporarily feel frozen in a world of shooting stars and passing ships. The deep emptiness that comes with knowledge is filled with a view of future and sunlight and rest. All that matters can be inhaled as the lights wind touches its lover's lips. Nothing is held back and nothing is held in. Wings erupt from their cozy hiding places and halos of gold shoot out from beneath the dark cloaks that hide shiny blue eyes.

One. Two. Three. Even the numbers feel lighter as they mount on top. As the seconds pass through the thin hourglass of the human throat. _Breathe, love. Let the healing touch you._

The hands that touch his face are soft and delicate, like rose petals. They caress him like he's worth knowing, worth loving, and the very scent feels foreign. Small fingers dance across battered skin and the older one's closed eyes feel as light as closed windows and for a moment he breathes in the tickle of laughter that desperately climbs inside of him for a place to exist.

The strings of gold he once discovered seem to touch his skin like the wind. His soul breathes from within and the gold is before his eyes and he touches the sensation of falling free. The ribbons cling around his wrists as he suspends over a glassy sea and an image of a young and strong man looks back at him reflecting. The man smiles, touching two children on the top of the head and then looks down at the gold in his hand and then he throws it away. He breathes out. The falling stops. The sea disappears.

Anakin watches teardrops drip down his own eyes and it feels like romance.

His skin feels like fire that burns like golden suns and invincibility seems to surround his focus. The fire doesn't provoke him with pain or torture but rather as an aid to a weak bloodstream and pumping heart. The blood climbs through him feeling like light and his chest collapses into himself. It felt good. Better than good.

 _I am the fire_ , he soon sees, and his pulse quickens and he smiles. His eyes fall open and he sees blue.

"Better?" he hears but he can't speak. He can't move. A weight replaces his wings and he nearly screamed. But the light hadn't left. He was awake now. He had forever to see the rest.

 _Better_ , he breathes back.

 _I will help you. I will be with you. I will not let you fall into the weight of darkness once more. I will not let your soul die._

Anakin looked up at his son, understanding for once that his son was not an ordinary child. His words were not truly his own, but the lights. He was only a bit under three years-old but his heart sang with knowledge.

 _Am I living?_ He asked, putting his gloved hands in front of him. He was terrified to remove them but he knew he wouldn't rest until he did.

 _More,_ Luke answered.

Flesh hands came alive before Anakin and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Clear, clean, true, real, alive, breathing, flawless...flesh. Oh, and it was reality.

He felt the need to laugh, but he bit down and removed his boots. His discovery made him fill up with ice beginning to melt. Freedom.

He looks forward to see Luke, holding a small mirror in his hand. He hands it to his father. His father stares at it in shock.

 _Why such shock?_

 _I'm real._

 _You were always real, you only lost yourself._

"I can't believe it."

Obi Wan steps into the room, feeling delighted to see his friend. Healed.

"Anakin, you look well."

In a fog, Anakin nodded. "I do."

 _Do I really?_

The light laughed harmonically

"I'm afraid it's time to go."

Anakin bit down on his lip understanding fully.

He stood up, glancing at Luke who stayed silent. "Luke," he whispered, loving the way his name sounded when he said it. Loving the way he didn't feel weak with his words.

The child smiled, hugging his father's real and living ankles.

"I love you," Anakin whispered, touching the boy's cheek.

Luke nodded, placing his hand on Anakin's shoulder. "Love you too."

* * *

Anakin spent his time at home sprawled out in bed, taking in the simplicity of rest. His new body was strong and capable of much but he was emotionally drained from the thousands of feelings that beat down on him to the rhythm of his heart. He simply sank into the cot that Obi Wan had set up for him, letting the sound of the wind sing him to sleep.

When he woke up the next day, he found that nothing had been a dream. He was whole and flesh. He sat up in understanding, knowing that there was a change inwardly too. He wasn't filled with joy. He wasn't wired with energy. He wasn't unable to stop smiling. In fact, he had to push the smile forth. But what could anyone expect? He still needed to heal. He still needed to work at it. He still needed to overcome many things.

One of which was the Empire that hung over top of him that he had a hand in creating. But he couldn't handle that right now. Obi Wan wasn't telling him to destroy that mess. He encouraged it but he agreed that Anakin needed to grow in strength first. Anakin wasn't sure he could resist Palpatine. Neither was Obi Wan.

It would be okay if they took it slow. They weren't oblivious to the Empire's evil. Both agreed that it couldn't continue. But what really could they do? The thought of stepping anywhere near it nearly split Anakin in two.

"Take a deep breath."

Anakin had never been fond of meditation. It made him feel isolated and cold. The Jedi had always judged a student who couldn't focus and Anakin was exactly that student. He felt the constant need to walk around and stretch out. Sitting completely still and focus on...whatever a Jedi is supposed to focus on was completely foreign to Anakin, even though he was ahead of his class in everything else.

"Okay."

Now Obi Wan was going about a different approach. The suggestive approach. There were no rules. No requirements. It was more relaxing then meditating. Obi Wan would suggest some instructions to Anakin, and so Anakin would listen. Then he would try his best, pace a bit, lay down in the sand, think about everything and nothing, eat, interrupt Obi Wan with random topics and speak with the light. Speaking with the light was the closest he was going to get. Perhaps it was better.

"A Jedi is not prideful, but you have to speak life into yourself."

"So, I simply have to be positive."

"Yes. Our emotions come from our thoughts, Anakin. Not just what we say out loud. You don't have to glorify yourself but you can't consider yourself to be nothing either."

"So, you're saying that I don't have to say that I'm amazing, but I have to at least believe that I'm not awful."

"I suppose that's good logic. It is a good start anyway."

Anakin let his eyes fall shut, doing his best to focus on the light. He constantly felt like he was being ripped in half from within. He constantly felt the need to pull it apart against the possibility of infinite pain.

"I'm not a good person, Obi Wan," he said, determining that he was going to be stubborn. "I don't even know if I can say that I'm not awful. Sometimes I think I am awful."

"Well I don't think you're awful."

"You're nice, Obi Wan. But how can I be a father to Luke or Leia if I don't even think I'm worthy to be near them?"

"Why don't you think you're worthy? They love and accept you, Anakin."

"I tried to kill them, remember?"

Obi Wan sighed. "I know. Anakin, you're going to have to live with that fact for the rest of your life. You can't forget about it. That isn't possible."

Anakin squinted, placing his hand over his face to block the suns. "I want to go inside," he said, ignoring Obi Wan.

"Alright."

Things had changed, but that didn't mean things were ideal. Anakin was still insecure. He was still afraid. He was still sick inside his head. But progress was being made. Day and after day and after day. Night after night after night.

Hidden amongst all the insanity of himself, he breathed heavily as they entered the room. It felt marvelous to breathe in real air and touch with his real hands and be able to look in the mirror without feeling sick. At least not when it came to his physical needs. At least now he was a human being.

But what of the depression? What of the deep seeded remorse? What of the fever of the dark side that waits for him to open his heart for even a second?

"I'm so scared sometimes," he said out loud, swallowing. "I know I'm getting better but I feel like I'll never be the same."

Obi Wan sat across from him at the table, folding his hands. "You probably won't, Anakin. We were never aiming for perfection."

"But…" Anakin's hands were like claws on the table. Everything felt wrong. "I'm supposed to feel better, right? My injuries are cured. I'm beginning to trust again. I've renounced the darkness but...sometimes those things aren't true. Not really. I mean, sometimes I'm filled with anxiety because I wonder if I shouldn't trust you. I wonder if you'll just turn on me in the end. And the good part of me knows that's far from the truth, but this dark part of me says that you have evil intent and that I haven't renounced the darkness fully. A part of me wants to lash out in anger and I still feel it, Obi Wan. I'm filled with the light yet I still feel the urge to kill. I still feel this urge to burn something to the ground and I'm petrified. Even now, I'm terrified that you'll judge me for all of this. Another part of me wants to grab that knife of the counter and stab you before you hurt me first. But then my reason kicks in and I know that you won't hurt me. That you do care. I'm so lost, Obi Wan. How can I have so much light but still feel this way? I'm not resisting? Am I? If I am, help me stop!"

Before Anakin could say another word, Obi Wan reached out to him, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. At first Anakin flinched, positive Obi Wan was about to hurt him. But slowly, he released the fear and fell onto his knees, still holding onto Obi Wan.

"How many times must I do this?" Anakin asked, as tears fell from his eyes. "I feel like such a wreck...why do I cry so much?"

"It's okay," Obi Wan told him.

"I'm serious. Something's wrong with me."

"Shh…" Obi Wan chided, holding his brother closer.

"There is nothing wrong with you. Not at all."

* * *

 **Lyrics are from Sorrow by Flyleaf.**

 **If I had a real explanation as to why I haven't updated, I would give it, but I honestly don't. The most I have is that I've improved a lot as a writer since writing this over a year ago and I find this story to be cringy and VERY wordy. However, I will post it anyway since I know what it's like when I'm reading a story and it just ENDS. I won't do that to you. I will complete this. I'm going to try to update every few days so I can just get it posted. I only need to write two more chapters in addition to what I have, so it shouldn't be too hard.**

 **In other news, I have a Sherlock story in the process taking place after The Final Problem and an Avengers story taking place after Infinity War which focuses specifically on the Soul Stone. Please look for them!**

 **As always, I appreciate your reviews.**

 **Jenna**


	27. Chapter 26

**Twenty-six**

 _I won't be satisfied with okay_

 _And I can't be okay with alright_

 _So point me to the edge of life_

 _I'll stand up on my toes_

 _Stretch my fingers out to there and bring it back here_

* * *

 _A menacing cackle met his ear, and everything fell silent. The serpent, which was all Palpatine was, came closer, slithering toward his weapon with a demanding need to warp it back to its previous shape._

 _"_ _Lord Vader, you have failed me greatly. I wanted a mighty warrior to give this galaxy justice," he said with distaste. "Not this broken down machine."_

 _"_ _I apologize, my master."_

 _"_ _There is no need for that, my apprentice. I simply want you, your soul, back. With it in my grasp, the galaxy remains in my fist."_

 _Vader swallowed. "As well as myself," he muttered bellow is breath._

 _"_ _Anakin Skywalker's offspring will make a wonderful asset to our glorious creation. Someday one of them may even take your place." His voice mocked, without fear directed at his servant, because the machine couldn't overpower the flesh._

 _Vader's chest erupted in a silent gasp, feeling his blood turn cold. "You won't get near them."_

 _Palpatine laughed. "I already have them."_

 _"_ _That is a lie," he said darkly, furiously considering where he knew Luke and Leia must be, despite their overwhelming presence behind the palace doors. And if he had them, whatever that meant, he wondered what it conveyed. Did he have their physical bodies? Did you also have their souls? What threat was this statement to a warped up machine that knew nothing but hate for his master, all while being nothing more than a servant?_

 _"_ _It is far too late for that, I am afraid," Palpatine said, voice like machinery despite flesh lips._

 _The thing that propelled Vader forward was the sound beneath his feet, as he felt beneath him the screams of his children, son, and daughter, begging for mercy despite their lack of vocabulary. And they, despite Palpatine's words of a new era of Sith, were being killed._

 _Being murdered._

 _If not murdered in physical form, then in the heart._

As he awoke from his dream, all he could think was the typical chant that played over and over in his head.

 _Oh, the joy of being Anakin Skywalker._

 _Without a doubt, I want Luke and Leia in my life. I wish to raise them and love them and be nothing more elaborate than their father. But as of now, there are too many things in my way. So many things preventing me from that simple joy. Without dimension and without number._

 _For one, it's me. All of me. I don't know how to be a father. In my time in Palpatine's grip, I lost the ability to have a relationship. I lost my ability to take care of another person. I lost my ability to take care of myself._

 _If I can't function properly, how can I have a functional family?_

 _Myself is the problem, first of all, being nothing more than me. I am scared to death. I am weak and pathetic. I am anxious. I am covered in waves of depression and grief. And mostly, I don't feel that I deserve them to any degree._

 _If for some reason I found a way to overcome all those things, my problem still wouldn't be solved. My second problem is the Empire._

 _Palpatine will find me. I'd like to believe that he doesn't care that I just disappeared. I'd like to believe that he's replaced me and all is alright in the galaxy. But I know he's coming. I know I'll have to face him. And soon too. I'm not prepared for that but I need to be. I need to be because I don't want to raise my children during the age of the Empire. I want them to be free. I don't want them to be in danger because Palpatine is searching for me._

 _And after all of that, I have their guardians. Of course, I want them in my life. But I can't have them. I lost the right to them. I'm not meant to be with them. That's what I believe anyway._

 _Obi Wan keeps telling me to not lose faith. I'm failing to listen to his advice._

 _On one side of all of this, I know I will have some sort of relationship with Luke. He may not be handed over to me to be my own but at least I'll see him on occasion. Luke is my healer and an angel sent from my beloved. He belongs somewhere grand. Not with me. Not with anyone. No one is worthy of that precious child._

 _And certainly not me._

* * *

Anakin shut his journal, glancing up at his friend. "What's on the agenda for today?" he asked him.

"I thought we could continue that list of yours," he said, pointing to Anakin journal.

 _Ah yes, the list of reasons to live._

"I'm running out of things to say."

"I'm not," Obi Wan retorted. "Open it up."

"No."

"No?"

Anakin huffed. "I'm tired. I have a headache. Can we just relax?"

"You were the one who asked what was on the agenda."

A distraction was what he had hoped for, other than one concerning himself. He wanted to simply do something. Anything. Anything mind consuming and light-hearted. But Obi Wan watched like hawk-like sensitivity as if to make up for all the times he hadn't. He knew what Anakin wanted, no doubt. But the need for a distraction only made Anakin's state of mind all the more important. So, Obi Wan waited.

Anakin sighed, wanting to push Obi Wan away from him. "I have a bad feeling."

"What do you mean?"

Dreams from the last night's sleep floated through Anakin's mind and the more he saw them the more he wanted to change to subject. They swirled around and he felt dizzy. How often would his emotions affect him on such a physical level?

"I've been having visions," he whispered quietly, glancing at the door, paranoid.

"Indeed," Obi Wan commented, growing concerned. "About whom, or must I ask?"

Anakin pushed out a hollow breath. "The Emperor."

"He's been searching for you."

"Of course, he has."

It was visible the amount of fear the Emperor could awake in Anakin, simply by the way his arms would tighten inward as if to wrap himself up or the way he would clasp his hands in front of him as if to stop himself from using them.

"It's not even that I couldn't fight him. It's just, well, I don't know."

"You're afraid he'll convince you that you're wrong. That the dark side is good."

Anakin nodded, trying not to question things like that. There was always this irrational fear, that even questioning what Obi Wan said, about the dark and light, could be dangerous. That even thinking about the possibility that the dark side was no all bad would be enough to sweep him up. How much more could someone like Palpatine make him question?

"I'll be there with you."

"What if something happens to you?" he asked, angered that his immediate response was laced in fear. Anakin stood to his feet, trembling "Obi Wan, I can't face him. I'm afraid I'll lose everything I just gained."

"That won't happen, Anakin. You know the consequences of the dark side, and even more, you know the light. You have the advantage, Anakin, because you are choosing to change. Palpatine is lost."

"You don't understand. I need to be okay by then, but I don't know if I will be. How will I ever get better?"

"I think that the Emperor is a big part of that. If you destroy the Emperor, if you destroy the Empire, I think you'll feel better. You're in so much distress because the Empire still exists and you had a hand in creating it. Everything's rooted there, surely you see that."

"My fears, my guilt…"

"The Emperor took so much from you."

Anakin looked to the ground, binding the compressed galaxies that stood still inside of him.

"But...how do I stay pure in my motives? I mean, revenge is not the way of the Jedi, Obi Wan. How do I stay away from destroying these things in revenge? How do I keep the darkness from hurting me?"

"It won't be easy, Anakin. You'll have to continuously check where your heart is at. You must focus on why the Empire needs to be destroyed, not why you personally need to destroy the Empire. Of course, they should be brought to their knees because of what they did to you. But you must focus on how the Empire is affecting other. Like protecting your children and saving the oppressed. Selflessness. That is the key."

"That's a lot easier said than done," Anakin remarked. "How can I ever live if I'm constantly having to check to make sure I'm not falling into a trap? That's terrifying!"

"Follow me," Obi Wan commanded, getting up from his seat and walking toward the front door.

After watching him for a moment, Anakin obeyed, looking rather confused.

Obi Wan proceeded to lead Anakin toward the Dune Sea, carefully walking to the top of a dune and sitting still.

Anakin followed, looking annoyed.

"What is the meaning of this?" he grumbled.

Obi Wan chuckled softly, urging Anakin to join him.

"What do you see?"

"Sand," Anakin said blandly, sitting cross-legged next to Obi Wan.

"What else?"

Anakin's expression didn't change. "More sand."

"Anakin."

"What?"

Obi Wan rolled his eyes. "Come on, Anakin. Look."

"Couldn't we have brought a blanket to sit on?"

"Anakin!"

Anakin's eyes traveled around his surroundings, reluctantly searching through the view. "People, houses...sand."

"Tell me about the people."

"I know nothing about them."

"Look closer. What do you sense?"

Anakin watched as a microscopic family walked through the sand hurriedly, holding onto the hands of their children relentlessly. Another person walked quickly through with their hood lifted, arms folded, and constantly looking back. Another person walked slowly, trying to hide in the shadows.

"Fear."

Anakin's eyes fell on a group of troopers, standing not far away.

"Lots of fear."

"Why do think they're afraid?"

Anakin swallowed. "They're afraid that their family will be taken from them. They're afraid they'll die. They're afraid because they feel helpless because the galaxy is so messed up."

"Because they can't do anything about it?"

"Yeah, a lot of them probably have children. A lot may not know how to fight. A lot of them are simple farmers."

"They don't have the power to destroy the Empire. They can't. So, who will? Who has the ability to do so?"

"I know what you're trying to say, Obi Wan. I know. I must fight for them. I know I should fight for Luke and Leia. But I'm not the one."

"You have the power to destroy the Empire."

"I'm nothing."

"You're a liar."

Anakin turned away, squinting.

"I'm trying so hard. I want to help those people. I want to take away the fear. How do I do that when there's so much fear in me?"

"What are you afraid of, Anakin?"

"I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of hurting the ones I love."

"Then you've already achieved selflessness, Anakin. You did that years ago." Obi Wan told him. "But selflessness doesn't mean being against yourself. It's okay to bring justice to Palpatine but you have to let go of your hatred."

"How can I do that? I hate him."

"Of course, you do. You'll hate everyone as long as you still hate yourself. You need to forgive yourself."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Why not?"

Obi Wan sighed, afraid he was pushing Anakin too hard again.

"I slaughtered children, Obi Wan. I killed Padme. I can't forgive myself. This wasn't some little argument where some feelings were hurt. I destroyed the entire galaxy. Millions of lives. I killed people's hearts and souls and minds and you expect me to be okay with that."

"That's not what I meant, Anakin."

"I can never stop hating myself, Obi Wan. It keeps me sane. That pride destroyed me."

"What pride?"

"All of it. I was so filled with it!"

"Anakin-"

"No, please don't tell me what I should do. Suggestive meditation, remember? You suggest things to me!"

"I never demanded you to do anything."

"I-"

"Please, Anakin. Please listen."

"To what?"

Obi Wan sighed. "To me."

Anakin's head dropped to his hands in exhaustion, surrender to Obi Wan's request.

"Alright."

* * *

 **Okay, everyone, this chapter ends weird so I'll probably update the next chapter tomorrow night. Lyrics are from _Okay_ by Flyleaf. I didn't realize how much I loved Flyleaf when I wrote this story until now. Almost every chapter had Flyleaf lyrics. **


	28. Chapter 27

**Twenty-seven**

 _What you confuse for glorious fire_

 _Is fire from the tongues of liars._

* * *

 _Forgiveness is a strange concept to me. It exists as something neither Jedi nor Sith found the importance to teach. The Jedi expected it to come naturally. There was no need to worry about it because a Jedi would forgive immediately after the deed was done. The Sith taught the opposite of forgiveness. When a Sith is wronged by another the only proper way to find relief is by that person's death, or at least, pain._

 _For me, I hold grudges close as if they are my very air. I hold them close because I'm scared of not having them. I'm scared of freely granting mercy and ending up being trampled on. I've done this before. I've felt that before._

 _And holding them against another is easy. It may not kill the person holding it. Hatred can affect a person and drag them through the dirt. Hatred isn't nice but it hasn't killed me yet. That is until I decided to hate myself too._

 _Hating myself is a marvelous security. It gives me control. It gives me focus. My goal in life is to push myself forward, despising everything I do until there's something good to look at. I must keep working through the mess, erasing myself one day at a time until Anakin Skywalker, until Darth Vader, until my very soul passes away and I exist as something new._

 _But that's all I'll ever do, right? Exist. Exist as me. Exist in my cage. In my mask. In my walls. I was so close to escaping but my fear always latches the door to who I used to be. To who I was born to be._

 _I've barely thought about my name: Anakin Skywalker. It feels like a stranger now. It used to be as close as my skin but now it feels like the name of someone I read about in an article or maybe wrote an essay about in the order. It feels like nostalgia and memory. Love and life. But not mine. Anakin's. Anakin's love. Anakin's life. Not mine. I don't know what is mine._

 _I've decided that I'm simply going to call myself 'Sky.' Maybe not outside of this world I'm in. Maybe 'Anakin' can be my legal name. Maybe my friends can call me that. But when I speak of myself in this book, I am Sky._

 _Sky._

 _The color of my eyes. The place I wish to soar. The connection I have to my mother._

 _Sky._

 _The color of my blood. The beating of my heart. The taste of reality._

 _Me._

 _I dance with the sky. I live with the sky. I love the sky._

 _I am the sky._

 _Perhaps this is too much soul exploration for now. I had originally planned on writing out my thoughts of the concept of forgiveness. The thoughts that will never reach my hands. I can't do such a thing._

 _Maybe I can be Sky. Maybe I can love Sky. But I can't love Anakin. And I can't love Vader._

 _I've always felt so detached from myself yet too close. My emotions couldn't stay inside. They just had to cover me up like a blanket and choke me to death. They had to._

 _On Mustafar, I was detached from myself. When I killed those Tuskens I was detached from myself. Many nights when I would lay in bed and fight off demons, I was detached from myself. When I tried to kill myself, I was too._

 _But when I was married or when I found out Padme was pregnant, I wasn't. When I used to play as a child and when I played games with Ahsoka I was surely not detached. When I stood before the council, even raging, seeing no justice in their decisions, I truly was not detached. I was completely and utterly me._

 _It's so hard to know where I am sometimes. It's hard to know if the person talking is me. Sometimes I believe it isn't._

* * *

"Sky?" Obi Wan asked, raising his eyebrows. He looked back down at the page that Anakin had written, unsure if he should be worried or not.

Anakin merely nodded.

"What's wrong with Anakin?" Obi Wan asked him, feeling lost.

"I thought I made that rather clear. I hate Anakin."

The Jedi looked at the words again, growing more and more uneasy with each sentence. This was not what Obi Wan meant by forgiveness.

"I hate Anakin and I hate Vader, but I don't hate Sky. At least, not yet anyway."

"This isn't healthy," Obi Wan told him gently, "not even a bit."

"What are you saying, Obi Wan? I'm trying to solve the problem," Anakin said slowly. "Isn't this what you want?"

"No," Obi Wan said without trying. "This is not what I want."

Frustrated, Anakin bit drown on his lip, counting down to ten to calm down.

 _1, 2, 3…_

 _How could he possibly think that?_

 _4, 5, 6…_

 _I thought he cared…_

 _7, 8…_

 _He's right. I'm still Anakin._

 _9, 10…_

 _No, I'm not. Never again._

"You can't stop this, Obi Wan. Anakin is dead."

Obi Wan was disturbed by everything he was hearing. When he and Anakin were reunited, he had told him that it would be alright to call him 'Anakin.' Suddenly, Anakin was some terrible person that 'Sky' believed to be dead.

"You were named 'Anakin' by your mother who loved you," Obi Wan said finally. "Padme married you as Anakin and Anakin is the father to Luke and Leia. Look, you can call yourself 'Sky' if you want to, but I will not call you that. Regardless of what you think, I know who you are. You are Anakin."

"Well, thanks for the support."

"Anakin, I do support you, I just don't think changing your name will solve your problems."

"I made this all very clear in my entry. I'm not changing my name, you're reading between the lines, Obi Wan."

"Anakin, I get what you're saying, I really do,but you can't run away from who you are. You're considering your old self dead."

"But my old self is dead."

Obi Wan's mind trailed back to when Anakin was a Padawan, when Obi Wan let the words slip of Anakin being difficult to deal with. Anakin, though not showing, was heartbroken. He was so sure his master hadn't wanted him. Hadn't thought he was worth it.

The way Anakin spoke now reminded Obi Wan so much of the younger man he was then. This made Obi Wan feel devastated at the fact that nothing had changed. Anakin had always been so insecure and so unbelieving that he was good. Though some would disagree, Anakin never expected anything to be given to him. He hated gifts and he was uncomfortable with attention. He was far from the arrogant young boy that most Jedi labeled him as. If anything, it was blazing insecurity, that still existed now.

Sky was no different than Anakin.

"If your name is Sky, who do you act so much like Anakin?"

That was enough to make Anakin go wild.

"Why are you so against this? I don't understand why it matters so much."

"It's not the name Anakin, it's the self-hatred. When will you ever learn to love yourself?"

Anakin looked bewildered. "Love myself?" he was incredulous. "Oh, Obi Wan," Anakin said, tiredly rubbing his eyes. "I really don't think that's the Jedi way."

Obi Wan nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "Screw the Jedi way."

Anakin still looked shocked.

"You heard me right," he said. "Screw the code. Screw the ancient texts. Screw their patronizing ways. Look where it brought the galaxy. Look what their unnegotiable rules accomplished."

"They're all dead."

"Exactly, so blinded by tradition that they couldn't see the future. The Jedi became a dead religion, far less about the Force than it was about order. How different is that mindset than that of the Sith?"

Anakin sat up, very alert now. "You're scaring me."

"And you're scaring me," Obi Wan said, clearly not done talking. It sounded as if he had been keeping his thoughts to himself for far too long. "The Jedi have wrung you out so much that you are completely incapable of showing yourself mercy. And no, this was not just the doing of the Sith. The Jedi put this in you. The Jedi forced you to become detached from yourself. They took your identity. They told you that you couldn't be proud of who you are, and because of that, you will always feel guilty when you take pride in anything you do."

"I was an arrogant mess."

"I think you wanted affirmation."

"I..."

How could he deny what Obi Wan was saying? Anakin calling himself out for being arrogant was only proving Obi Wan's point. He could not show himself mercy. He could not call his pride and need for affirmation. That would be selfish. That would be wrong. That would be something the Jedi would despise him for.

"There is nothing wrong with wanting affirmation. You are a human being, and despite what the Jedi may have believed about themselves at times, they were not gods. They were no superior to anyone. That in itself was pride. How could they ever blame you when they were too self-righteous to offer you some sort of feedback."

Anakin felt the force around him more strongly than he had ever felt in the order. Stronger than he ever felt after he turned to the dark side. It only proved Obi Wan right. "Have you gone mad, master?"

"Perhaps so."

Anakin smiled.

"But at least, not wrong," Obi Wan confessed, watching his friend who seemed to lighten up the more Obi Wan talked.

"Perhaps not," Anakin said.


End file.
